Tag Archives: Administration

Administration Releases Evidence that Qatar Workers Are “Yeah – What? Oh No Yeah They’re Fine.”

DAY HALL — After being pressed on investigations of poor working conditions of personnel at Weill Cornell Medicine in Qatar, the administration revealed that workers at the Doha facility are “Yeah – what? Oh no yeah they’re fine.” Student activist groups’ continued call for an external infrastructure to prevent the Read More

Money-Making Programs Unite to Make Money-Making University More Money

STATLER HALL – The three money-making programs at Cornell , the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management, and the Johnson Graduate School of Management, will officially combine to make the money-making university even more money. President Garrett, who already makes a lot of money Read More

Garrett Commissions New College of Business for Engineering Students to Transfer Into

DAY HALL — President Elizabeth Garrett announced this past weekend the creation of the new Cornell College of Business, an amalgamation of the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics & Management and the Samuel Curtis Johnson Graduate School of Management. This new college will serve as Read More

Cornell Presidential Inauguration Dwarfed by Newfangled Feminist Ideology

ARTS QUAD — Completely overshadowing the rhetoric and emotion of today’s ceremony, the feminist overtones of President Elizabeth Garrett’s administration stole the stage at the historic inauguration ceremony Friday morning. “I worked on my speech for days, but I think what people were most enamored by was that I’m the Read More

Injured Gannett Construction Workers to Receive Treatment by Summer 2017

GANNETT HEALTH CENTER – Following the news that multiple construction workers had sustained injuries on the site of the new health center, Cornell University Health Services announced today that they estimate the injured workers will be able to receive full treatment at Gannett by the summer of 2017. “I got Read More

Students Can’t Wait To Learn What Fee University Imposes This Year

DAY HALL – Helplessly buzzing with anticipation over their next tuition supplement, returning students are on the edge of their seats to find out what fee Cornell will charge them this year. “Personally, my bet’s with something clothing related, like a Hat Fee,” speculated Senior Gavin Treyhoust, who went on Read More

Class of 2019 Admissions Statistics

After months of anticipation, the University finally announced decisions for the undergraduate Class of 2019. Here are the official admissions statistics of those lucky 15% that were accepted: 1st – 21st generation college student: 100% Admissions Department Favorite Student: Jared Middle 50% of admitted students scored between 90 and 95 Read More