Pollack Won’t Commit to Peaceful Transition to Online Learning if Cuomo Declares Shutdown

DAY HALL—In a press conference this Tuesday, University President Martha Pollack refused to guarantee a peaceful shutdown of in-person learning if Governor Andrew Cuomo says COVID cases exceed the maximum limit. 

“Well, we’ll have to see what happens,” said a defiant Pollack. “You know, I always say there’s a problem with how they count cases. You have in-person testing. And then you have mail-in testing. It’s just totally illegal. A huge disaster.” 

When asked about what a sudden transition to online classes would look like, the President opted to deny the possibility of any shutdown whatsoever. 

“Look, I want a smooth, beautiful transition, but when the case numbers and the system are rigged?” said Pollack, standing maskless in front of a podium as key advisors Ryan Lombardi and Michael Kotlikoff looked on. “We do want a very friendly transition. It’ll be a tremendous transition, probably the best transition in history. But we don’t want to be cheated, especially not by Sleepy Andy.”

President Pollack’s team later clarified that she was “just joking” and added that interested students could learn more about her online learning plans during her daily phone-in with Fox & Friends. 

OP-ED: How Can Cornell Provide Tampons for People Who Menstruate Without Providing Skateparks for People Who Shred Gnar?

Cornell has always been a trailblazer, and I must start by commending the university, which  began admitting women in 1872, only seven years after its founding. Since its inception, Cornell has been at the forefront of the struggle for the equality of people who mensturate, and can finally say it provides free access to period products in campus restrooms.

Despite this notable breakthrough, inequity still persists. Just as the menstruators of Cornell require period products for their natural menstrual needs, I require access to an on-campus skatepark—preferably one with a dope half-pipe and a massive snake run.

The move towards equality for menstruators has always been based upon the ideal that no person should be denied opportunity solely on the basis of their biological processes. If menstruators no longer pay a de facto tax on their period, I should not be forced to take the TCAT all the way down to the lame-ass Ithaca skatepark, which is far too small and out of my way. This is the kind of firm moral principle Cornell must uphold. 

I understand this venture, similar to the free tampons and pads, can be construed as unnecessary and overly expensive. I realize the taboo natures of menstruation and epic sk8r culture can cause the pain of their disaffected groups to go unnoticed. But we will no longer be denied! The truly radical 360 chasing ollie poppers will rise up and get the high quality skating palace we truly deserve!

However, in the interest of civility and patience, I would even be satisfied with any kind of verbal commitment to my new initiative. Even if the new skatepark was constructed on the same expedited time frame as the period products, originally slated for implementation in 2017, I would be happy. Though I’d never get to grind rails with the boys, I’d at least know Cornell took our concerns seriously. 

Pollack Sends Draft of Campus-Wide Email to Admin Groupchat to Check “If It Looks Okay”

DAY HALL—Cornell University President and former linguistics major Martha Pollack hit up the groupchat composed of Cornell’s most high-profile administrators to check her spelling on the latest solemn missive to the campus community and “make sure the vibes aren’t off.”

“It was like 1am, and all of a sudden I get this notification. It’s a snippet of her draft email in Outlook 365. And it’s like, dude, you were supposed to have sent this out this afternoon! But I did her a solid and responded with a heart reaction and pointed out she used “Cornellians” three times in one paragraph,” said Joel Malina, Vice President for University Relations.

“I just dropped a compliment when I woke up and saw the message in the morning,” said Madelyn Wessel, who occupies the role of both University Counsel and Pollack’s #1 hype woman. “Thirty thousand plus people are going to receive the email, and at least a thousand of them are going to actually read it; mostly the nerds. That’s a lot of pressure. One misplaced word will be the subject of Guest Room articles and Letters to the Editor for the next month.”  

“It came in all weird and pixelated on my phone,” explained Ryan Lombardi, Vice President for Student and Campus Life. “Maybe it’s because I have an Android? I said ‘looks good,’ but honestly, I didn’t read it. I have my own campus-wide email to work on!”

When asked for comment, the Office of the University President clarified that President Pollack receiving proofreading help from her colleagues is in no way a violation of the academic integrity policy, “unlike the obvious outfit copying that Madelyn has been engaging in.”

 

Students Eager to Return to Newly Financially-Stable ‘Cornell University, A Pepsi Company’

DAY HALL—Following a surprise press conference Thursday morning, university stakeholders are reportedly responding positively to President Martha Pollack’s announcement that PepsiCo has officially acquired Cornell University in a deal that has rebalanced the university’s finances amid a period of great economic uncertainty. 

University stakeholders have been weighing in from all sides with overwhelmingly favorable responses to the acquisition by the global beverage and snack food conglomerate. 

“Do I think this will change things around here? Sure. But honestly, changes will mostly be on the administrative side. I doubt students will even notice,” said Dr. Peter Thompson, the Mountain Dew Kickstart Professor of Romance Languages and member of the Quaker Oats Faculty Senate. 

The acquisition, occurring for an undisclosed amount, is expected to greatly ease previously anticipated financial hardship for the university while also providing new financial aid programs for students. 

“I think this deal will create great new opportunities for students once we get back to campus,” offered Kimberly Rojas, a freshman CS major and recipient of the inaugural Stacy’s Pita Chips Prize for Women of Color in STEM.

“We saw a great deal of alignment between Cornell and our portfolio of other products that, if not consumed in careful moderation, pose extreme health risks to our consumers,” said Bruce Jasper, Senior Brand Director at PepsiCo and newly-appointed member of the Naked [Juice] Board of Trustees. “With the looming financial troubles being faced by the University and our desire to diversify our product mix, this was really a win-win deal.” 

As of press time, PepsiCo shareholders, concerned about the acquisition’s impact on quarterly earnings, successfully petitioned the Board of Trustees to immediately end all humanities programs.

Cornell Dining Offers Refund in Form of Single Day 100,000 Calorie Buffet

BETHE DINING HALL—Following weeks of anticipation over what form the university’s meal plan rebate would take, Cornell Dining unveiled a grotesque 24-hour all-you-can-eat marathon food bonanza. 

“We are offering enough food to cover half a semester’s meal plan: buckets of sun-dried tomato pasta, seasoned black beans in a tub, and roasted peppers,” said a sweating Rose Dining Hall Chef Michael Burgess, emptying a wheelbarrow of Frank’s Hot Sauce into a 10-gallon dipping bucket. “We hope getting a 38th, 39th, and 40th serving of tomato soup makes up for the meal swipes lost.” 

To ensure students can get the full value of their refund, the university is encouraging students to unbuckle their belts and remove their cuff-links as they sweatily guzzle their way through the refund. “I’m just making sure Cornell doesn’t steal any more money from me,” said a slobbering Martin Grimes ’21, ogling a masala dosa in the Indian section before locking eyes with Thai fried rice. 

At press time, dining hall staff members were informing diners they’d still be limited to one piece of chicken per person.

‘Sometimes, Even the Best Things Must Come to an End’ Murmurs Martha Pollack on What Could be Her Final Nude Strolls Across Deserted Campus

CORNELL BOTANIC GARDENS—During what could be her last naked jaunt through the largely abandoned Ithaca campus, Cornell President Martha Pollack was heard ruminating to herself, “well, we all knew it couldn’t be like this forever.”  

Amid the rush of eager students returning to move out of off-campus housing, and a significant contingent of the Class of 2020 desperate to attain some semblance of a senior week, the campus has slowly begun to fill out with more members of the Cornell community. Delivering an address from the middle of the Botanic Gardens during an unclothed trek across the grounds, President Pollack gave some thoughts on the changes to campus and college.

“No one can ever predict the future, especially not in the middle of a pandemic, but it is always important to look on the bright side and find the little things to keep you going in the face of adversity.” Pollack said, her luscious body glistening in the afternoon light. “I know how positive these walks have been for me, but it is a testament to the Cornell spirit that we are able to adapt to whatever life throws at us,” the president continued, before letting out a long sigh and then reaching around to remove a leaf that had stuck itself to her bodacious behind.  

While the influx of students may pose a logistical challenge to the president’s walks, she has expressed her resourcefulness in adjusting her schedule for the future. “I look forward to seeing how I can continue to take my walks at night, with the cloak of nightfall the only cover my supple, bare flesh shall receive.”

University Pre-Planning Fall 2020 Donlon Hall Outbreak Mitigation Efforts

ITHACA—Following weeks of preparing contingency plans for a potential on-campus Fall 2020 Semester, University administrators have developed a viral containment and public relations strategy to deal with the inevitable outbreak that will occur in Mary Donlon Hall. 

Seen as a breeding ground for highly transmissible diseases given the perpetually close-knit nature of its residients and their penchant for being total fuck machines, the first year dormitory packs kids into Donlon like sardines in a big U-shaped can. “Cutting down on the number of bathrooms during construction seemed like a great way to save money for the school at the time. Apparently now it’s a ‘serious health liability,’” explained Residence Hall Director Lammi Ada. 

The university has planned for everything, ranging from a single student testing positive to a massive dorm-wide outbreak. In recent weeks, administrators have been browsing Amazon for deals on “large metal deadbolts” and making preliminary calls to helicopter companies about airdropping supplies.

“We already have several different emails in our drafts that begin with ‘Dear Ithaca Campus Community, We regret to inform you of an ongoing public health situation regarding Mary Donlon Hall,’” said Vice President for Student and Campus Life, Ryan Lombardi. “So you could say we are prepared for anything.”

Cornell Suspends SAT/ACT Requirements for Students Who Want to Apply Without Getting In

410 THURSTON AVENUE—Citing cancellations resulting from the coronavirus pandemic, the Cornell Undergraduate Admissions Office assured applicants to the class of 2025 that they need not worry about standardized testing requirements, so long as they don’t mind getting rejected.

“We understand that, because of Covid-19, future rejected applicants are unable to take or retake the SAT or ACT, so we’ve suspended the testing requirements,” said Shawn Felton, Director of Undergraduate Admissions. “We don’t want students to fret over this unavoidable situation. As long as you don’t care about being accepted, feel free to apply without any test scores!”

“A significant number of school districts administer free school-wide standardized testing that can no longer take place,” said Sarah Ash, regional Admissions Counselor for Midwest applicants. “Though Cornell has little need for students from families too poor to spend hundreds of dollars on private exams, we encourage them to apply anyway.”

Ash emphasized to potential applicants that “a lack of SAT/ACT scores should not bar any student from applying,” noting, however, that any student who didn’t begin preparing and taking tests a full year before beginning the application process “probably didn’t deserve to be accepted into our Ivy League university.”

“Remember, Ezra Cornell created Cornell to be a place where any student could pursue any study, assuming that person scored at least a 32 on the ACT and cleared a 720 on all their SAT subject tests,” Felton added. “We believe that US News and World Report will find it important that we stick to this core tenet.”

Though Felton characterized the admissions chances of applicants who choose to take this option as “slim to none,” he still sees a path to acceptance for students with “truly exceptional trust funds and intergenerational wealth. At the end of the day,” he concluded, “Cornell needs bright young students who are excited to reinvigorate our campus with new sports stadiums and well-furnished residence halls, and we are committed to making that vision a reality.”

OP-ED: Instead of Abolishing Median Grades Let’s Switch to Using Lower Quartile Grades But Not Tell Anyone

Following Cornell’s decision not to compile median grades for the 2020 Spring Semester, critics have been emboldened in their vocal opposition to the practice, which is designed to curb grade inflation and compare students’ performance to that of their peers. 

Personally, I never understood why they put median grades on our transcripts in the first place. It doesn’t really seem fair that you can bust your hump for four years of high school to get into Cornell, only to be discriminated against in the grad school application process because of all the other big fish nerds in the academic pond. I don’t want anyone to know how easy Oceanography was—if we didn’t have median grades it could plausibly sound like a difficult science class. 

So, while I applaud the motives of the anti-median grades crowd, I think their idea could be much improved. We should simply replace the “median” grade value, which represents the midpoint of the grades, with the “lower quartile” value, which represents the 25th percentile of the data. The only caveat to this ingenious idea is that the switch would have to be made on the down-low, because obviously, if word got out, that would totally defeat the purpose. 

Everyone would benefit from this fantastic idea because the change would make students’ grades look better and all of those foolish grad schools and employers would be none the wiser. Cornell would love it too because all of its alumni would become more successful. It’s a win-win! 

The best part is that even if you end up in the bottom quarter of the grade distribution, you can still rest easy with the knowledge that anyone who views your transcript will view you as a studious individual who did their best in what was clearly a difficult class, instead of just a run-of-the-mill Epsilon-Minus Semi-Moron. Beat the actual median? Now you look like a modern day Albert Einstein! 

So there you have it folks. Now that I’ve outlined my bold new vision I have only one question: Did I just fix grade inflation, end the coronavirus, and save your entire future in one fell swoop? I think so. Sound off in the facebook comments, make a change.org petition, and make sure to send this to your various club GroupMes so that I can further my own pursuit of clout.

In Latest Heartfelt Email, Lombardi Begs Students to ‘Keep It in Their Pants’ During Zoom Classes

DAY HALL—In a desperate attempt to maintain a calm and professional learning environment, Vice President for Student and Campus Life Ryan Lombardi pleaded for students to stay fully clothed during virtual classes. 

“We are calling upon your strength as Cornellians to care for each other in the upcoming weeks,” Lombardi wrote in his most recent email. “But hanging brain in your Crime and Punishment seminar is not caring, even if it is technically an ‘expression of free speech’ or even an act of service because ‘this dong is so nice I write its presentation off in my taxes as a charitable donation.’” 

Many students expressed outrage with Lombardi’s oppressive sentiments. 

“He’s basically slut-shaming at this point.” James Compton ‘22 wrote back. “Look, if people can expose the 3 inches of their neck that fit into the camera’s frame, then I can streak back and forth in front of my computer during my psychology lecture.”

Lombardi intended to attach screenshot images demonstrating how to properly cover up but accidentally sent beautifully composed nudes instead because, well, he’s still learning how to use Zoom.