Seniors Excited to Move out of Shitty Collegetown Apartments, Be Exploited by Richer Landlords in Bigger Cities

COLLEGETOWNAs finals wrap up and seniors prepare to move out of their apartments, many have begun to rejoice at the prospect of leaving behind the inflation, underregulation, and rigidity of Ithaca’s housing market in favor of the monopolization, artificial scarcity, and frenetic pace of the markets in new, cooler cities.

“I can’t wait to get out of this Collegetown shithole!” said Anna Grace ’21. “I’ve been increasingly frustrated by my landlord’s unresponsiveness to a host of glaring maintenance and safety issues. But once I move to New York City, my building will have a superintendent to ignore me instead! The landlords there own simply too many properties to deal with neglecting all their tenants at once—they’ve got subcontractors that ghost us for them.”

“You know, when I was overpaying to live like Swiss Family Robinson at 201 College in what amounts to a concrete cell with an ENO hammock, I at least knew that I had the coolest digs,” explained Diego Ramirez ’21, “Now? I’m paying even more to live in an even smaller “urban industrial” cement block built by contractors too lazy and cheap to install real ceilings. I knew I shoulda moved to Austin.”

Several major Ithaca and NYC landlords declined to comment, but were overheard cackling among themselves soon after that “those fools think they have any choice in the matter.”

Student Unsure How to Politely Tell Roommate There is “No Chance in Hell” They’ll Live Together Next Year

COLLEGETOWN— Worried student Samatha Check ‘23 is struggling to decide how to inform her current roommate that there’s not a goddamn chance the pair will be living together for the coming 2021-2022 academic year. 

“She’s a sweet girl,” Check said of her roommate since freshman year, “But she’s always so critical of me. I would literally rather eat nails than spend another waking moment with her in my household.” 

“I’ve been thinking of a lot of ways to be polite about it. Every time she asks me how my day was I tell her that I’ve just come back from an amazing studio apartment tour. When I see her napping on the couch, I start whispering ‘don’t live with me” to her over and over again. I’ve even started putting some of my stuff in moving boxes to emphasize how I plan to move out. It’s really inconvenient when I’m trying to pick out my outfit for the day, but I’m doing it like this because this is much kinder than telling it to her face.”

When asked whether her roommate had taken the hint, Check explained her multi-step plan to simulate the experience of not living together. “I’ve been avoiding making eye contact and cutting off all communication with her,” said the considerate sophomore. “Even if she doesn’t get the hint I hope I can gently ease her into the lifestyle of living apart.”

“I just don’t think that I can live with someone who can’t respect the way I live,” Check concluded, leaning back on her kitchen countertop and jostling a pile of rotting fruit. Several cockroaches emerged and scuttled over to a mountain of unwashed dishes in the sink. Of the moment, Check commented, “Oh, don’t worry about the mess. It’s my stuff, I’ll clean it eventually.”

Jewish Student Uses Yom Kippur to Reflect on How He Doesn’t Have Food in House Anyway

COLLEGETOWN — In recognition of Yom Kippur, the annual Jewish holiday of atonement during which followers often fast for a full 24 hours, Cornell student Isaac Rosen ’18 has decided to refrain from eating and reflect on the fact that he doesn’t really have any food in his house anyway.

“I’m so proud to continue this incredible tradition of acknowledging my past wrongdoings and suffering for the entire day by not eating, though honestly I probably wouldn’t have been able to scrounge enough food in my house to make a full meal anyway,” said the somber and relatively hungry junior, continually searching through his cabinets for a spare granola bar or a half-eaten bag of chips to munch on once sundown arrived.

“I certainly made mistakes last year, mistakes that I’m now acutely aware of due to my rumbling stomach. Those mistakes include not buying more DiGiorno’s frozen pizza when given the chance, and not saving the other half of the burrito I had for lunch yesterday. What a truly special holiday.”

Rosen apparently had finished atoning for his sins at 4:45, when in a hunger-induced panic he realized that he could just grab some leftover food from his frat house.