NEWBURGH, NY — Earlier today, a chance encounter at the local supermarket yielded staggering results, as it was determined that Dan, that one kid you knew from high school English class, is still alive today. “Dude, I haven’t seen you in forever!” exclaimed Dan, in a state of undeniable existence that up until now you…
NORTHERN HEMISPHERE — Thousands of Cornell students came to the conclusion today that, holy shit, summer is more than halfway done. Damn. “It’s almost August already?! When the hell did that happen?!” exclaimed Cecilia Verona ’18 after realizing that after two months, she no longer has time to accomplish everything she wanted to this summer….
DAY HALL – It was announced earlier today that outgoing President David Skorton will be traveling around Europe following his time at Cornell. As he starts his job as Secretary of the Smithsonian, this trip will mark the last real summer for Skorton before entering the workforce. When asked about his choice, Skorton said his…
EARTH — Mother Earth, goddess and protector of our fair planet, is reportedly irate due to the fact that you didn’t to call her for Earth Day. This marks the third year in a row you forgot about the holiday celebrating the environment, and at this point it just seems like you don’t care at…
DAY HALL- Thanks to the actions of investigative journalists at Project Veritas, the Cornell community was shocked and appalled to learn Wednesday that the University strongly supports the actions of ISIS, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. “Yeah, that would be okay,” said Assistant Dean of Students Joe Scaffido, probably in response to a…
COLLEGETOWN- Bubble tea specialty drink chain Kung Fu Tea recently opened a franchise at 143 Dryden Road in Collegetown in hopes of cashing in on the hoards of bubble tea fans on the south side of Dryden between College Avenue and Eddy Street. “I can’t count the number of times I’ve been craving bubble tea…
ARTS QUAD — A new study shows that Californian students are already tired of students from colder regions telling them how much colder it’s going to get. “I get it. I’m from California. I’m already wearing the warmest jacket I own. It’s going to get colder, I get it. I know how the seasons work,”…
COLLEGETOWN– According to sources, senior Colin Atkins urinated himself after a night of excessive drinking late Saturday night, and would be considered a fully-grown adult with the corresponding responsibilities in many cultures. The inebriated student reportedly “shotgunned like eight or ten beers with his bros” and, if he lived in many second or third world…
URIS HALL — Over 24 confused alumni rallied together Sunday night for an anti-war demonstration in light of the U.S. government’s involvement in Vietnam. “Our classmates did not die face down in the mud just for us to give up the protest,” retorted dissident Brendan Arendt ‘74 while burning his draft card. “We can’t give…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD- In an attempt to raise interest in a football program that has struggled in recent years, the Cornell football team announced today that it would begin a new rivalry with the concept of winning, starting this season. “We really just needed to get some of these Cornellians energized and excited to watch our…
