Cornell Announces All Log Ins Will Require a Signed Permission Form From Mommy

DAY HALL—In a surprise announcement by the administration this Tuesday, Cornell will  replace Duo Mobile with a permission form to take home to Mommy in its newest efforts in the war on cybercrime.

“I think this new system is just lovely,” remarked Kaitlyn McCullough, mother of Xander McCullough ‘23, as she cut up a PB&J sandwich diagonally and put it in a sandwich baggie. “My little Xandy’s never visited me so often. I’m excited to hear about this ‘pre-enroll’ thing he’s doing, although I still don’t understand why his Info Sci major requires him to enroll in Beers, Wines, and Ciders.”

While this new security measure has been received warmly by helicopter parents and Mama’s boys across campus, many students have taken a different view. After the announcement, students across campus have reportedly remained logged out of every possible web service.

“These permission forms are ruining my life,” complained McCullough. “My stupid mom just wants to talk about how much she loves me, or whatever, and she takes forever to sign. I was two hours late to pre-enroll because she wouldn’t stop droning on and on about my kindergarten classmate’s sister’s engagement.”

“Egads, I’ve Been Foiled Again!” Cries Would-Be Hacker Stymied by Canvas Two-Factor Authentication

UNKNOWN—After attempting for months to break into the Cornell Canvas mainframe, a nefarious hacker who is known as “The Marauder” on online message boards looked on in horror as the website informed him that he could not proceed without a second authentication factor.

“Blast! Those conniving Cornelians foiled my Machiavellian plans yet again!” Mr. Marauder exclaimed. “I thought such high-level cybersecurity was far beyond their feeble capacities, but I have clearly underestimated their technical prowess. Well played, Madam Pollack. Well played.”

Working deep into the night for the better part of the year in order to access the invaluable data contained within the company’s servers, Mr. Marauder appeared thoroughly disheartened. “Over the years, I’ve cracked some of the world’s most secure firewalls,” the mysterious pirate continued, “but I never considered that I might confront the archnemesis of cybercriminals everywhere: Duo Mobile.”

Despite this setback, Mr. Marauder remained determined in his quest. “Can you imagine the wealth of data contained in those accounts?” he said. “A nearly endless array of syllabi, due dates, and discussions. And the modules! Modules as far as the eye can see… yes, I must continue. You may have won this round, Cornell, but I will never surrender!”

At press time, the hacker promptly bypassed the two-factor requirement and gained entry to the site by logging in on his phone and sending a push to the same device.