Honoring Black History Month, Professor Pledges to Continue Using Blackboard This Semester

ROCKEFELLER HALL—In an effort to show solidarity with his Black students during Black History Month, Anthropology Professor Bradley Haynes announced that he will refuse to switch from Blackboard to Canvas this semester.

While many professors are not opting to switch platforms until Spring 2020, Professor Haynes said his choice will show students that he is “truly down for the cause.”

“After binge-watching The Wire and viewing several rap videos I truly understand what it means to be Black in America”, Haynes said while struggling to figure out how to add a ‘Grades’ section to the class Blackboard. “I think my students will finally understand how much I care about their culture and preventing erasure in course platform names.”

While continuing to use an objectively worse course management system is a small move, Haynes emphasized that he does not want his Black students to think poorly of him or think he is out of touch with anything but technology.

“I’m also planning on giving every student with proof of having more than one Black friend an extra 5% on their final grade,” said Haynes, adding that they’d have to submit proof on paper because he can’t figure out how to set submission up through Blackboard’s interface.

Black students in the class noted that while the professor means well, they don’t expect him to modify the readings for the semester to include a single study of a non-white society.

Well-Intentioned Professor Writes “Happy 4th Day of Chankgukah” On Board

MCGRAW HALL—Attempting to spread the holiday spirit, Professor Robert Jones wrote a greeting on the board before lecture this Wednesday that completely butchered the spelling of Chanukah.

“I think Professor Jones remembered only the first and last letters and just filled in the rest by using, like, a random-letter generator or something,” said Jonah Goldfarb ’20.

While the holiday has numerous acceptable spellings in English, students agreed that the professor’s version did not remotely resemble any of them. said Rebecca Roseman ’19. “It’s a nice gesture and all,” said Rebecca Roseman ’19, “but I would’ve expected the former Rhodes Scholar to have at least typed the name into Google beforehand.”

Seemingly unaware of his error, the sociology professor then began his lecture by wishing all his Jewish students a happy and healthy celebration for each one of the holiday’s 40 days and 40 nights.

Professor to Start Posting Links on Blackboard

MCGRAW HALL – After recommendations from his students and the administration, Professor Desmond Wallace, anthropology, has decided to start posting his articles on Blackboard.

“I suppose you can say I’ve emerged from the Stone Age, per se,” said Wallace, as he proudly wrote out the hyperlinks to the online reading in chalk on the board. “Now that I think about it, it’s amazing we tolerated such an inefficient distribution system for decades of teaching.”

Wallace has described his new teaching system as a broader part of his efforts towards creating the ultimate “21st century classroom,” which he says will enhance the teaching experience and make anthropological texts more accessible.

“Whenever students would like to access the articles, they can use their notebooks and the provided glue sticks to copy and paste the links,” boasted Wallace, pointing out how his new classroom will revolutionize teaching in the humanities for decades to come.