TEMPLE OF ZEUS—’Twas a day most ordinary in the most extravagant food shoppe in Ithaca: Doth Great Temple of Zeus. For Junior Owen Sowerberry ’25, the price to feed a troublesome caffeine addiction was damn near impossible. Upon the realization that he had spent his last pittance to wash his ragged work clothes, Sowerberry realized he had no choice but to beg the patrons of Zeus to spare a little kindness for a struggling young boy of just 20 years. A pathetic orphan with only two parents.
“It was really fucking weird dude,” revealed Daniel Claypole, the first student approached by Sowerberry. “He came up to me all pathetic with his head down and said ‘please sir can you spare sevenpence-halfpenny so that I can afford to feed myself sir.’ So naturally I responded ‘how dare you speak to me with such intonation yer idle young ruffian. I’ll whop yer if yer asketh me again.’ After that he got the hint and fucked off. What a freak.”
Hardened by the sting of rejection and by the sharp pain of starvation, Sowerberry reached a new resolve. “I musth do what I said I would ne-er do when I first became a dirty street beggar nearly six minutes ago. But six minutes ago I didn’t suffer from a minor caffeine headache. I must picketh a pocket.”
With heavy hearts and scornful stares, passersby watched as Sowerberry trudged to a nearby student and plucked a five dollar bill from his wallet, nearly half the price of Sowerberry’s beverage of choice. They continued watching as CUPD leapt into action, chasing Sowerberry around with clubs drawn. “THIEF! DRAG HIM TO THE STOCKS,” they shouted in unison “HANG HIM BY HIS THUMBS.”
Tragic is the tale of poor little Orphan Owen, cast out by his parents with nothing but the clothes on his back, the ones in his suitcase, a full meal plan, an apartment in Student Agencies, some gas money, and a little spending money because his parents aren’t fucking monsters and Owen got like a 3.6 GPA last year which is SO much harder than you think it is. If only society took pity on its most vulnerable.
