Tag Archives: campus life

International Students Confused About Where Everyone Went

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HOLLAND INTERNATIONAL LIVING CENTER – Huddled together in a common room of HILC, the twelve international students left all alone on campus are deeply confused about where everyone went. “Hey, why’d everybody leave?” said bamboozled student Avi Khan after emerging to a cold, desolate wasteland. “Where would everyone need to Read More

Atlas Angry at Classmates for Piggybacking on World-Lifting Group Project

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GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — As the semester comes to an end and classes across the campus dive into their final group projects, the Greek Titan Atlas is becoming frequently frustrated with his classmates for not holding up their end of the assignment. “It feels like I’m holding the entire world Read More

Students Too Sad to Masturbate Until Tomorrow or Friday Probably

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CORNELL CAMPUS – Following the results of the 2016 presidential election, much to the chagrin and disappointment of a large portion of the overly liberal Cornell campus, reports indicate that many students are far too sad to masturbate and will likely stay that way until tomorrow or Friday at the Read More

Report: Guy From Your Hometown Knows That Guy You Know

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DUFFIELD HALL — Addressing a wholly unbelievable occurrence surely more than sheer coincidence, a study from the Cornell Department of Sociology has found that a guy from your hometown knows that guy you also know. “Studies across campus indicate that this guy has known that guy you’ve known since summer Read More

Crazy Motherfucker Regularly Wakes Up at 5:00AM

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COLLEGETOWN – Regularly hopping out of bed early, crazy motherfucker Damien Shultz ‘19 wakes up at the unfathomable hour of 5:00am every single day. “I can’t even comprehend how this maniac willingly chooses to wake up and even get dressed before 9:00am,” says roommate Paul Andrews ‘19, running on 5 Read More

Freshman Ready for Adult Responsibilities Just Months After Asking Permission to Use Bathroom

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MEWS HALL – After arriving on campus and bidding tear-filled goodbyes to her parents, incoming Cornell freshman Danielle Fischer ‘20 allegedly considered herself ready to take on major responsibilities, just a few months after needing to ask her high school Spanish teacher for permission to use the bathroom. “Now that Read More