Tag Archives: campus life

Saké Bombing Latest Attack in Turf War Between Collegetown Japanese Restaurants

53b5b0ea00c02927d71b92a4acd9c30e

EDDY STREET – In what is the most recent episode in a longstanding battle for Collegetown supremacy, several saké bombs were set off between popular Japanese eateries Plum Tree and Miyake. The bombing, which occurred in the late hours of Friday evening, claimed the sobrieties of dozens of unsuspecting frat Read More

OP-ED: Thanks To Mixed-Gender Housing Rules, I Can Finally Become Friends With Girls

11

The University just announced a sweeping change that allows male and female students to room together on West Campus, which means I will finally be able to make female friends. The change comes after years of maintaining an archaic policy built upon the misguided preconception that boys and girls can Read More

Cornell to Receive Large Johnson Endowment

Johnson

DAY HALL — According to multiple reports, Cornell University will receive a gigantic Johnson endowment later this upcoming year. In a press conference earlier today, President Hunter Rawlings III stated he hopes this “generous gift will enhance Cornell’s performance for years to come” and wishes to see “what the endowment Read More

Asshole Professor Assigns Reading When All the Other Shit Is Due

5936889141_35804f4e0f_b

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL – In what is sure to be received as a total dick move by his Earth Science students, asshole Professor Robert Simpson assigned a ninety-page reading for Monday when all everyone’s other shit is due. “This guy’s a total shithead,” said Peter Clegg ‘17, turning two pages Read More

International Students Confused About Where Everyone Went

campus-bld-lake

HOLLAND INTERNATIONAL LIVING CENTER – Huddled together in a common room of HILC, the twelve international students left all alone on campus are deeply confused about where everyone went. “Hey, why’d everybody leave?” said bamboozled student Avi Khan after emerging to a cold, desolate wasteland. “Where would everyone need to Read More

Atlas Angry at Classmates for Piggybacking on World-Lifting Group Project

128795-004-60912abb

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — As the semester comes to an end and classes across the campus dive into their final group projects, the Greek Titan Atlas is becoming frequently frustrated with his classmates for not holding up their end of the assignment. “It feels like I’m holding the entire world Read More

Students Too Sad to Masturbate Until Tomorrow or Friday Probably

7d7d4f1744b8710875b33876e24c4050

CORNELL CAMPUS – Following the results of the 2016 presidential election, much to the chagrin and disappointment of a large portion of the overly liberal Cornell campus, reports indicate that many students are far too sad to masturbate and will likely stay that way until tomorrow or Friday at the Read More

Report: Guy From Your Hometown Knows That Guy You Know

istock_000005055345medium

DUFFIELD HALL — Addressing a wholly unbelievable occurrence surely more than sheer coincidence, a study from the Cornell Department of Sociology has found that a guy from your hometown knows that guy you also know. “Studies across campus indicate that this guy has known that guy you’ve known since summer Read More

Crazy Motherfucker Regularly Wakes Up at 5:00AM

140731-stock

COLLEGETOWN – Regularly hopping out of bed early, crazy motherfucker Damien Shultz ‘19 wakes up at the unfathomable hour of 5:00am every single day. “I can’t even comprehend how this maniac willingly chooses to wake up and even get dressed before 9:00am,” says roommate Paul Andrews ‘19, running on 5 Read More