Tag Archives: campus life

Absolute Freak Keeps Calling CS “Computer Science”

GATES HALL—In a bizarre showing, one freshman barbarian insists on calling CS “Computer Science,” whatever that is. “I’m getting absolutely blasted in my introductory computer science classes” lamented Mitchell Fawkes ‘23 to his bewildered friends. “I just do not understand how Matrix Laboratory works, and none of the other computer Read More

Lone Homework-Related Tab Sad Reminder of Productive Time Long Past

OLIN LIBRARY—As Sarah Liang ’22 watched the tenth consecutive Instagram story from an acquaintance she hadn’t talked to since high school, she noticed the one tab at the far left of her browser related to her homework, bringing back memories of the work she set out to do two hours Read More

Erudite Freshman Begins Answer With “When I Was Doing the Reading”

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Before answering a question proposed by his professor, freshman John Higgins ‘23 boldly implied to everyone in the room that he had actually done the required readings for class that day and that he was completely ready to deliver an adequate response. “I really just wanted to clarify Read More

OP-ED: So-Called “Perfect Match” Won’t Even Let Me Touch Her Feet

With all the buzz surrounding Valentine’s Day and everyone’s excitement about receiving their Perfect Match results, I just wanted to put this out there: last year, the girl who was supposed to be my “perfect match” wouldn’t let me anywhere near her feet.  While there was a lot of big Read More

Cornell Suggests Using Reef Polling App To DNC

DAY HALL—Following the bungled use of a tabulation app at the Iowa Caucuses, Cornell has officially offered to train the DNC on how to use the university-adopted iClicker Reef polling app.  “We here at Cornell know that there is no better way to quickly calculate poll results than by using Read More

Underground Fraternity’s Entire Pledge Class Discovered in Sub-Campus Cave Complex

SUBTERRANEAN CAVES–In the wake of reports of a mysterious “scuttling noise” and muffled whispers in the walls of the Uris-Olin tunnel, the most recent pledge class of Alpha Delta Chi has reportedly been discovered living a subsistence-based lifestyle deep beneath the Cornell University campus. Having lived underneath campus since the Read More

“And the Americans, they like this ‘Football’? Then we shall like it too,” Exclaims Entire International Student Body

OFFICE OF STUDENT AFFAIRS – Committed to making the most of this weekend’s Super Bowl, the entire international student body released a statement earlier this morning proclaiming their enjoyment of American Football.  “Even though it makes no sense and is played nowhere else on the planet, we get such a Read More

Cornell Human Development Study Confirms Bitches Really Do Be Like That

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL — Whether it comes to common choices in clothing, similar affectations, or extreme emotional reactions, bitches really do be like that, a pioneering new study has confirmed. Looking at behaviors such as daily horoscope checking, writing notes in five different colors, and making 5-11 Instagram story Read More

Owner of New Onion Onion Restaurant Looking to Profit Off Mango Mango’s Success

DRYDEN ROAD—Fresh off the widely-anticipated opening of Mango Mango in Collegetown, restaurateur Bernard Shepards is hoping to capitalize on the fervor with his new dessert venture, Onion Onion. “We know we may not be students’ first choice dessert spot,” admitted Shepards as he prepared his personal-favorite Onion Mochi. “But if Read More

Plum Tree Workers Stockpile Saké Bombs in Anticipation of Formal Season

PLUM TREE —Though it’s quiet in the empty restaurant this morning, Jamie Takahashi, Plum Tree owner, knows it’s the calm before the storm.  “We are a restaurant haunted by its past and preparing for its future. Formal season is about to begin and unless we’re ready, we’ll be obliterated.” “Every Read More