WEILL COLLEGE OF MEDICINE — A steaming report by the university’s Office of Research Integrity and Assurance found that the Jill Roberts Center for Inflammatory Bowel Disease has been spewing crap for years. “We knew something stank in that institute,” said Juliet McCaughlin, Cornell’s ethics investigator. “As it turns out, those guys are neck deep…
BLOOMINGTON, IN– After reading a Cornell Daily Sun article that he did not agree with, 45-year-old alum David Waller ‘96 dauntlessly decided to express his discontent in the publication’s comment section. Turning on the caps button on his keyboard, Waller lamented his alma mater’s fall from grace when it comes to political discourse around campus….
HIGH RISE 5—Despite the limited number of West Campus housing spots, total dumbass David Iyer ‘21 actually believed he had a shot at becoming one of the few upperclassmen to live on West Campus next year in the 2019-2020 housing lottery. “I mean, I know Cornell’s a really big school,” said Iyer, a complete fuckwit….
TOWER ROAD—Now available for sluggishly pedalling uphill with six cars following behind, Cornell Big Red Bikes offers students a new opportunity to screw up traffic. “Cornell is huge, so it’s a relief to finally be able to bike across campus with no regard for drivers or pedestrians,” said campus bicyclist Troy Laputa as he weaved…
