BAKER LAB–When Elliot Sandleford ‘26 finally settled on his spring semester lineup, he expected his course-related troubles to be over. “I spent weeks rearranging my Scheduler,” said Sandleford. “I had to get it exactly right, where I would have 8:00 AM labs every morning but also somehow no time to eat lunch.” Although the Arts…
COLLEGETOWN- This Monday, not yet yawning Naomi Morningstar ‘23 logged into Student Center to enroll in her senior year classes at the wee hours of the morning. “We thought that this was the best call for the situation,” Cornell’s Dean of Academic Enrollment Tobias Nightingale explained. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen…
BAKER HALL—Students in CHEM 3090: Inorganic Compounds were left cowering in fear this Tuesday as their instructor achieved apotheosis at the close of Cornell’s drop period. According to witnesses, the class started as normal but quickly went off the rails when Dr. Frederica Jackson locked eyes with Samuel Weiss ‘22, who was attending his first…
In a move as predictable as the changing of the seasons or frats violating COVID protocols, Cornell’s switch to in-person instruction has been celebrated by students who will once again be complaining about the class format in 48 hours, tops. “I can’t wait to be back on campus and moving around instead of sitting in…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Just 15 hours before the first lesson of the semester, one Arts and Sciences professor is giddy in anticipation of finding out the subject, content, and themes of the course he is about to start teaching. “It’s such an exciting time–students are coming back, finalizing their schedules, and some classes still don’t even…
CORNELL HEALTH—In a surprising display of thoughtfulness from Cornell’s mental health services, CAPS has begun to suggest that overwhelmed students take a year off in between every lecture. “We see so many kids needlessly stressing out about their grades, and the pandemic, and literally everything else,” says counselor Matthew Greene. “It’s a good idea for…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—The College of Human Ecology is offering a new course in the Fall of 2020 for those who want to understand the psychology of parenthood, but can’t be bothered with the inconvenience of copulation. HD3800, The Art of Baby Snatching, is a welcome addition to the college’s courseroll. Human Development majors had…
ATLANTA, GA—During his weekly Monday night office hours, area CS 4780 TA Jeffrey Green has reportedly been providing exceptional help, clarifying difficult course concepts, and almost successfully drowning out his off-camera parents’ raucous arguments about who should be doing the dishes. Like most Mondays, during this week’s session, students sat in the Zoom waiting room,…
PRINCETON, NJ—Midway through her ECON 1110 lecture, Samantha Keys ‘22 once again found herself in a breakout room filled with the biggest weirdos the class had to offer. “I’m not trying to be a bitch, but these people are serious buzzkills,” Keys complained. “Like, one of them spent the entire time sucking on a Slim…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Monday’s already droll introduction to anthropology lecture grinded to a halt yet again due to another one of Kevin’s pedantic questions. To the annoyance of the entire class, the question launched the formerly on-topic professor into a complete and thorough examination of the various hypothetical scenarios and well thought out concerns raised by…
