Cornell Clubs Strike Down Eviction Moratorium for Alumni Lingering in Group Chats

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—With the inception of the Fall 2021 semester, Cornell clubs have lifted their controversial policy allowing recent alumni to remain in group chats despite no longer qualifying as official members.

 

“While there is no question that the Covid-19 pandemic has made it difficult for new graduates to explore new opportunities, that does not mean we can simply override club rules at the drop of a hat,” said George Adrian ‘22, vice president of the hip-hop tribute group 2Pacapella. “Any such policy would have to be put in place by the SAFC itself.”

 

The moratorium, which has extended all the way back to March 2020, grew increasingly divisive throughout the summer of 2021 as two fully graduated classes lingered in undergrad-specific clubs. Hailed as a crucial protection by advocates and derided as an unjustified handout by critics, the unofficial but near-universal policy faced renewed backlash as past members began to take space away from 2025 first-years. Still, its removal has been met with mixed emotions, with the harshest criticism coming from the affected classes.

 

“I did so much for that club, and this is how they repay me?” cried Cam Elliott ‘20. “My whole life was back there in 2Pacapella. Where am I supposed to go now? People tell me to just find another singing group devoted to the life and works of Tupac Shakur, but they don’t know it’s not that simple. Cast out alone, I may be forced to join some group exalting a much less influential artist… god, I can’t even imagine what that would mean for me.”

 

At press time, clubs announced that executive board chats would be exempt from the ruling “in case we don’t know how some of the stuff works.”

Presumptuous Host Ends Meeting For All

WILMINGTON, DE—Following a rallying end-of-semester speech from Salsa Club’s president, G-Body members were left staring at a Zoom dialogue box after meeting host VP Doug Bowens ’21 brazenly chose the “End Meeting for All” function. 

“This was my last club meeting as a Cornell student,” reminisced woeful President Devon Andes ’20, awkwardly closing the dialogue box before the 5-second timer hit zero. “I had a lineup of thank-you’s to give out to this year’s E-Board, so I guess I’ll just text them.”

Hundreds of miles away, a leather jacket clad Bowens put on Ray Bans, leaned back in his chair, and lit up a cigarette. “Sorry kids but this Zoom meeting ends when I say so. You want forgiveness? Go to church.” 

At press time, a power-tripping Bowens forced members to wait to be admitted and demanded a “please and thank you” before enabling screen share capabilities to all participants. 

Stephanie Beatriz Asked to Solve the Mystery of Why You’re Single During Valentine’s Day CUPB Show

This article was sponsored by CUPB: Stephanie Beatriz is coming to Cornell on February 14th at Bailey Hall. Join CUPB, MCFAB, and Haven for a moderated Q&A to get a behind-the-scenes look at the hit show and her career. Beatriz is not only known for her hit show Brooklyn Nine-Nine but also for her outspoken advocacy for LGBTQ+ rights and queer representation. Tickets are available at CornellTickets.com

BAILEY HALL—As she takes the stage this Valentine’s Day at 7:00, Stephanie Beatriz, beloved for her role as Detective Rosa Diaz on the hit show “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”, will be facing a pressing conundrum: why your sorry ass is all alone.

“It’s going to be amazing,” noted desperate romantic Victor Romero ‘22. “I mean, I had to bail on my girlfriend to come spend Valentine’s Day listening to another woman speak, but I’m honestly so excited to watch her piece together a real life mystery!”

Romero isn’t the only Cornell student eager to see the actress solve the puzzle of romantic snafus during her dinnertime show on the evening internationally regarded as the most romantic day of the year.

“Of course I could have had Valentine’s plans,” said Joanna McMahon ‘21. “I must have said no to five, maybe six group dates, dinners, date nights and mixers. It was way more important to me to learn why I’m somehow still single, and come to this Friday night show all alone.” 

At press time, the Cornell University Programming Board suggested maybe, possibly, kind of ditching your Valentine and spending the evening getting sassed by Detective Rosa Diaz. You probably spend plenty of time watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine alone anyway, what’s one more night?

Mock Trial Team Excited by Prospect of Real Lawsuit

DAY HALL — Following recent hazing allegations, members of Cornell Mock Trial are eagerly anticipating the potential for legal action.

“We practice our courtroom skills for competitions all year, but we never get to do any real lawyer stuff,” said club President Michael Saks ‘20. “If we get the chance to face an actual lawsuit, we can finally put all those hours of memorizing scripted, over-dramatized courtroom nonsense to work. Those ‘professionally certified’ lawyers won’t know what him ‘em”

In preparation for a potential showdown, members of the team have been getting their stories straight, writing official statements, and taking turns cross-examining each other. “We’re not like those other, non pre-law, idiots who use controversial new member initiation practices; we actually know our legal rights,” said team Treasurer Anelie Won ‘21.

In response to the original allegations of misconduct, the team has reportedly decided to re-evaluate its hazardous initiation policies. The dangerous substance-fueled “Gauntlet” and anxiety-inducing 1000 piece puzzle will soon be replaced with more acceptable new member activities, such as hours of lengthy case-study presentations and a bombardment of mandatory coffee chats.

Professional Frats Politely Ask University to Focus Hazing Investigations on IFC

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following weeks of heightened university emphasis on the perils of hazing, The Professional Fraternity Council is imploring Cornell to only investigate the social fraternities on campus, and to leave the professional frats well enough alone.

“It’s really hard for us to indoctrinate our new members correctly when the administration is breathing down everyone’s necks about ‘forced drinking,’ ‘involuntary undressing,’ and ‘moderate kidnappings,’” commented PFC President Jonathan Ramirez ‘20. “It would be so much cooler if they could just really hammer down on the social frats and leave us to our own devices.”

Cornell students planning on joining these pre-professional organizations are also really hoping that the school redoubles its anti-hazing efforts… against social fraternities. 

“I totally get it, hazing is dangerous and stupid and unnecessary,” said Joanna Mason ‘22. “But the administration needs to back off; I’m trying to get into a business frat for my own professional development and I really don’t care if that means getting sprayed with condiments and being verbally abused.” 

At press time, new members of Lambda Omega Lambda, Cornell’s Pre-Entertainment Fraternity, gave heartfelt speeches about how the organization would propel their careers through jaws that had been wired shut, with broken arms in slings.

Equestrian Club Treasurer Wakes Up With Horse Head in Bed After Requesting $3,000 from SAFC

EDDYGATE APARTMENTS—After putting nearly three thousand dollars worth of line items in the Equestrian Club SAFC budget request, club treasurer Case Gadsby ‘21 awoke to find the severed head of the club’s most prized horse next to him in bed.

“I know I should just withdraw the budget, but we’re planning on going to a few different competitions this year and I can’t let everyone down,” said Gadsby, who went on to say he thinks SAFC is coming around to his perspective. “They actually left a gift for our horses in front of my door this morning, though I don’t think they realize horses don’t eat fish and it’s weird that they left it in the same purse my Mom us—oh my god.”

Citing Gasby’s possession of the severed horse head as embezzlement of club property, SAFC rejected the club’s budget in full.

Club Member’s Earnest Pitch No Match for Sound of Yamatai Drums

This article is sponsored by Yamatai: tryouts are Monday 9/16 and Tuesday 9/17 at 9:30 PM in Lincoln Hall B20. Go to https://www.facebook.com/events/353736792179613/ for more information

BARTON HALL—As Cornell Backgammon Club Vice President Jonas Zhao ‘21 gave a sincere pitch to a freshman last Sunday at Clubfest, he realized that he was simply no match for the fierce booming of the Yamatai Drumming Team.

“I don’t think the freshman could hear a word I said, but she seemed at least sort of interested in the quarter card,” said Zhao. “I hope my pantomiming of our club’s mission statement got the message across.”

As Zhao continued with his spiel, Yamatai, who routinely sell out Bailey Hall at their annual PULSE show, continued to prove both their skills on the drums and at making any pitch quieter than a blood-curdling scream virtually impossible.

“I was just watching Yamatai’s performance when I noticed that someone was midway through pitching their club to me,” said Pooja Verma ‘23. “I’m still not even sure what the club was, all I could focus on was the thunderous rhythm from the stage.”

After Yamatai’s performance, Clubfest activities returned to a normal volume for three minutes until Cornell Bhangra’s performance.

OP-ED: There’s No Chance I’m Buying a Ticket to Your A Cappella Show Until You Come to My Show

This post is sponsored by the Skits Sketch Comedy Troupe, the oldest sketch comedy group at Cornell. Their fall show is this Friday at 9 PM in Barnes Hall, and you can buy $5 tickets at the door or by messaging their Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/CornellSkits/.

As always, there’s no chance in hell that I will walk all the way to Call Auditorium for your a cappella concert unless I see you in the audience at my comedy show this Friday at 9pm.

Oh, you hate fun and don’t want to sit through an hour of comedy? Then good luck getting me to venmo you the $5 for a ticket, cause we both know your mediocre collective screechings are a far cry from my group’s carefully planned, cutting-edge comedic talent.

It’s fine that you text me for the first time all year advertising your stupid show. I have no need for your friendship. I’ll even be doing the same, but for an awesome show. But if you’re inviting me to a juvenile Facebook event whose cover photo doesn’t even fit Facebook’s dimensions, you’d better make damn sure you’ve already clicked “going” to my thoughtfully-crafted event that I sent you last week.

You know, Miranda tried to convince me last semester that she came to the first part of my show, even throwing in a reference to one of our many hilarious jokes from the night. But Miranda seemed to not realize I always check tickets, so I knew she only saw a clip of the show from my Instagram story. So guess whose dance troupe performance had one fewer audience member? That’s right, Miranda’s. And I heard like no one else went, anyway.

I don’t want that sad, shameful event to happen to you. If you think of my show as a wasted hour, know that a full year of my life will be sucked away from listening to you bellow a song from some overplayed pop album. But hey, I’m a woman of my word: Come to my show Friday at 9pm in Barnes Hall and I’ll return the favor.

OP-ED: I Hate Freshmen, Except If They Want to Join My Club

I want to make one thing very clear—I cannot stand freshmen for a literal second. They’re brand new here, but as soon as those colored light strips go up in Jameson, they just strut around acting like they deserve the world.

Freshmen stop in the middle of the sidewalk because they have no idea what they’re doing, yet somehow have the balls to talk the most if they manage to get into one of my classes. I can’t wait for them to get their first D. How can they jump up and down at the discovery of free Willard Straight popcorn, but be so bafflingly oblivious when they’re handing out resumes at career fair? Get out of line, jackass, you don’t belong yet!

That is, unless you want to join my club.

Our president’s been hounding me to get the word out, so, to all freshmen: the Cornell Quantitative Biomedical Finance Society is holding our first info session this Thursday at 8PM! In case you’re literally dumb and live under a rock, CQBFS is the ABSOLUTE BEST and MOST EXCLUSIVE health finance club on campus. We are the ONLY club that can prepare you for a career in the quantitative biomedical finance industry.

I had an INTERNSHIP (you freshmen are probably unfamiliar with the concept) for a few weeks over winter break with ARLENE SIMMONS, the top Geico agent in all of the Scranton metro area. Can you children even comprehend this?

Now that I have all the knowledge I need, I’m planning to start working as like a VP or Director for an investment bank that specializes in the healthcare industry after I GRADUATE in May. Then, maybe after a year or two, I’ll start my own venture capital fund. That’s the power of CQBFS!

Anyways, we are a super fun and welcoming group as you’ll figure once you meet us! Literally can’t wait to meet you on Thursday! You all are going to be so awesome!

Cornell Alumnus ‘79 Still On Ukulele Club Listserv

WICHITA, KANSAS—Nearly 40 years after graduating and moving far beyond Cayuga’s Waters, Alumnus Harold Cromwell ‘79 is still on the Ukulele Club Listserv.

“I’m not even in the club,” said Cromwell. “I just got roped into signing up during Clubfest my freshman year. They had Skittles, which were like the new big thing. What even is a ukulele, some kind of bird?”

Email was an exciting phenomenon in 1975, and has since often stumped students using it for their clubs. Ukulele Club members, for instance, have been unable to figure out how to remove alumnae such as Cromwell from their listserv for over four decades.

“We send out maybe 1, 2 emails out a day to over 7000 members with meeting times and songs to listen to,” said current club president Winnie Kuroda ‘19, not realizing that of the 7000, 86% have graduated, over half have never touched a ukulele, and maybe 50 have died from old age.

Sources confirmed that Cromwell ‘79 plans to finally check out what the club has to offer, as he has become quite the bird enthusiast lately.