THE STATLER HOTEL— Ellie Rosario ‘23 intentionally exposed herself to the novel coronavirus earlier this week in an attempt to escape “the cunts (Jessica Dunst ‘22, Annie Patterson ‘22, and Minnie Davis ‘22) [she] lives with.” When one of her sorority sisters, Alice May ‘22, mentioned her boyfriend on the lacrosse team had recently tested…
COLLEGETOWN—I am death incarnate. Bringer of pestilence, taker of freedom. One touch, followed by a brief nose scratch, and you will be in the hospital, your friends quarantined. You are just another pawn in my master plan. On the surface, I may look like an innocent door handle. It’s true; a year ago today I…
COLLEGETOWN—While not a violation of any official health ordinance, a maskless group of six fraternity brothers hanging out on their porch this weekend was deemed by onlookers as deeply unsettling. “I counted, and their group is definitely less than 10 people,” confirmed Melody Dominguez ’21. “Regardless, something about it still feels like it poses a…
HO PLAZA—Hoda Dabiri ‘23 took a fearless stand in the name of health and wellness when she lightly furrowed her brow at a mask-less passerby while walking to her only in-person class this Thursday. “I definitely considered saying something, but I decided against it,” said the breathless defender of the campus community. “Instead I just…
ITHACA—Although anti-lockdown protests have erupted nationwide calling for the reopening of restaurants and other services, Ithaca’s bar scene is clearly not good enough to warrant such protests. “Ever since the party scene died last semester, I’ve frequented all five bars Ithaca has to offer and honestly, not a single one of them is worth saving,”…
COLLEGETOWN—In a public broadcast delivered via megaphone from the roof of Ithaca Renting Company, representatives of the Lambrou, Avramis, and O’Connor apartments announced their stunning support for a Collegetown rent freeze, after coming to the realization that “We are all tenants on this beautiful planet called Earth.” “We have, all of us, been led astray…
DAY HALL—In a desperate attempt to maintain a calm and professional learning environment, Vice President for Student and Campus Life Ryan Lombardi pleaded for students to stay fully clothed during virtual classes. “We are calling upon your strength as Cornellians to care for each other in the upcoming weeks,” Lombardi wrote in his most recent…
LINDEN AVE—Wilke Geoff, ‘20, was devastated upon his realization that his love for Cornell stems from the amazing people that teach, learn, and work there, rather than its physical architecture. Geoff, despite the flight of his roomates, had resolved to “stick it out” in Ithaca, even going as far as posting a fist-shaking GIF Jordan…
WILLIAMS STREET—Local party host Jeffery Norton ‘20 is reportedly regretting his decision to share a collaborative Spotify playlist with friends after one guest with a bizarre taste in music took full advantage of the invitation to contribute. While most playlist contributors added a few of their favorite hits from the top 40 or some 2000’s…
EDDY STREET— With Miyake, a beloved Japanese restaurant, recently closing its doors, members of the Collegetown community are reportedly saddened by the loss, but enthusiastic for new diversity in the C-town food landscape —in the form of Masita, a new Asian restaurant. “I was actually, like, super scared,” commented Abigail Jimenez ‘21. “With Miyake closing,…
