Tag Archives: Cornell University

Alumnus Relives College Days by Skipping Homecoming Football Game to Aggressively Binge Drink

PI DELTA PI FRATERNITY—Continuing his annual forty-year-long tradition, John Cohen ‘78 returned to Cornell this past weekend to skip the Homecoming football game and drink until he passed out. Cohen began his participation in Saturday’s festivities by waking up at 7am to shotgun three beers, just as he had done Read More

After Polo Coach’s Ousting, Croquet Coach Shaking in his Boots

OXLEY EQUESTRIAN CENTER—After Cornell’s massively successful polo coach was mysteriously retired, Cornell athletics has been speculating about who might be next; the very decorated croquet coach Victor Swarthmore ‘79 in particular has been shaking in his patent leather boots. Indeed, the croquet team’s famously prestigious reputation, like polo’s, might not Read More

Pre-Professional Fraternity Lowers Acceptance Rate to Zero Percent

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—The Kappa Chapter of Delta Iota Kappa Pre-Finance Fraternity has announced they have lowered acceptance into the fraternity for the fifth year in a row, taking zero applicants into their Fall 2018 pledge class. Fraternity President Harrison Kennedy III explained the decision in an email to rushes. “Unfortunately, Read More

Fall Rush Mandates 5 Hours Cuddling Per 1 Hour Hazing

COLLEGETOWN—In the wake of hazing scandals and the rise of fall rush, the University Interfraternity and Panhellenic Councils have mandated fraternities and sororities provide 5 hours of cuddle time for each hour of hazing. “We recognize that we have failed at preventing hazing altogether,” admitted Emma Klipton, a chair of Read More

Freshman Unsure Which Washing Machine Full of Cornell T-Shirts is Hers

LOW RISE 6—Freshman Rachel Xiong’s first attempt at doing laundry since coming to college was brought to a halt yesterday after she could not determine which load of red and gray Cornell t-shirts belonged to her. “It’s a complete disaster. I put all my clothes in there—Arts and Sciences T-shirts Read More

Absolute Comedy God Answers “C” on True/False iClicker Question

URIS HALL—This morning, during the 10:10 lecture for Intro to Cognitive Science, a single student sacrificed his class grade for a piece of pure comedy gold: Jamie McCannon ‘19 answered C on a True/False iClicker question, bringing the lecture hall to its knees in laughs. “I never thought there could Read More

Male Student Pretends Not to Be Out of Breath While Walking up Slope With Friends

LIBE SLOPE—While trekking up Libe Slope last Tuesday, no-quit wolfpack alpha male Chad Roberts ’21 struggled to suppress his labored breathing in front of his friends. “Are…you…guys…having…as…much… fun…as…I…am?” wheezed Roberts, as his ego and testosterone level started to deteriorate. Mumbling something unintelligible, the real tough stand-up guy dropped to the Read More

Early Grad to Gain Real-World Experience in Unemployment

LINDEN AVE—Following his imminent graduation in December, senior Parker Samuels ‘18 will gain valuable real-world experience in being unemployed. “There seems to be a stigma attached to having no job lined up,” observed Samuels. “But just like other post-grad plans, being unemployed is a full-time commitment.” The early grad added Read More

Small Bag of Free Popcorn Only Thing Keeping Majority of Students Going

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A new study has concluded that the only thing keeping most Cornell students going each day is getting a small bag of free popcorn from Willard Straight Hall. “Our research indicates that without the prospect of shuffling over to Willard Straight Hall to eat a fist-sized bag of Read More

Undergrad TA Actually Helps A Student

PHYSICAL SCIENCES BUILDING—After having spent three months last year studying Intro Physics and receiving a B in the class, Undergraduate TA Chet Fairweather ’19 demonstrated his physics expertise by actually helping a student. “I normally send people with questions directly to the more experienced grad TAs or the professor, and Read More