Student Uses Extended Break to Rediscover Love of Being Terrible at Hobbies

TAMPA, FL—While most students headed home with heavy hearts upon learning of Cornell’s closure, Riley Clemens ‘21 was reportedly delighted at the prospect of finally having time to reignite her long-dormant passion: being absolutely god-awful at every hobby she attempts.

 “Hobbies are a great way to feel creative without any of the associated risks,” said Clemens, beaming with unearned confidence. “Now, more than ever, is the time for us to rediscover our identities through artwork and free expression, and by God, did I ever find my true self in the lopsided, brown drips of the twelve crayons I melted together with a hairdryer.”

 Since the break began, Clemens has spent her time pursuing a series of hobbies, each executed more disastrously than the last. What began as writing edgy, middle-school-esque poetry led to attempting to bake bread, which later culminated in painting self-portraits with obnoxious symbolism and wildly inaccurate proportions. 

Asked for comment, Clemens’ father, Raymond, offered “We pray every hour that this doesn’t devolve into a desire to become TikTok famous. We could tolerate the adult coloring books and attempts at acoustic covers of ‘Wonderwall’, but there’s a special place in the orphanage for Riley if she starts dancing to Doja Cat songs for strangers in our guest bathroom.” 

At press time, Clemens was spotted ambitiously eyeing a set of knitting needles, eager to let her Instagram followers know all about her new “element” only to immediately abandon the project afterwards. 

Ivy League Athletes Overjoyed They Can Always Say They “Would’ve Been Good This Season”

FRIEDMAN STRENGTH AND CONDITIONING CENTER—Following the NCAA’s cancellation of spring athletes’ season, Cornell student-athletes were giddy to tell their fans and friends that this year was different, and they would have won it all.

“This season was definitely the one. Our coach purchased us these new clubs with carbon fiber which totally will take our driving to the next level,” said men’s golf captain Max Goodwin ’20, who jumped at the chance to talk about how his breakout season was prematurely ended. “Yeah I was shooting the same score as last year in practice, but I know I was about to figure it all out.”

“I can’t believe my season was cut short,” complained Julia Fisher ’21. “Last season my chronic toe twitch devastating our season, but now that I’m better I’m confident I’d have lead us to the championship.”

As of press time, both Goodwin and Fisher have advised their friends and families not to open ESPN’s preseason power rankings.

“Moving to Zoom Will Be Hard, But We’re Prepared For It” Says IFC About New Party Format

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In reaction to the upcoming closure of Cornell’s campus for undergraduates, the Interfraternity Council has released a statement saying that “although there will be disruptions as we make this transition,” they expect to “learn to adjust” as fraternities begin to hold all parties over Zoom.

“Obviously, we wish all attendees could squeeze into a sticky basement together rather than sitting alone in front of computer monitors all over the globe,” the statement said. “But we trust the spirit of our opens and mixers alike will be captured by the online video conferencing software.”

The statement also noted that several services are being considered to add to the experience, such as recorded parties for those in different timezones and Canvas discussion threads so partygoers can hold individual conversations.

“Fully moving parties to Zoom won’t be easy, but know that no matter what, we won’t compromise on the world-class social experience we all came to Cornell for,” the statement concluded.

Immediately after the statement was sent out, the Cornell administration banned fraternities from holding parties over Zoom.

“I’m Really Worried About Coronavirus,” Says Student Who Literally Drank Piss During Rush

STATLER HALL—As concern mounts over the spread of the 2019 Novel Coronavirus, Jonah Frayer ’23 has been telling everyone he knows about the hygiene issues that led to the virus’s spread, despite drinking actual human urine during this semester’s rush festivities.

“It’s such a crisis. The incubation period is  a couple weeks, so anyone could already have it and not even know. I just think it’s important to stay alert,” said Frayer, whose other rush antics included chugging Four Lokos and crawling through vomit.

Frayer, who was extremely alarmed when a quick google search of the epidemic revealed the virus can cause severe complications such as pneumonia or kidney failure, has evidently not googled dangers of tripping on acid or eating live goldfish.“Maybe I should buy a mask. I don’t want to put my health at risk,” said Frayer, who definitely does not have his flu shot or, honestly, even wash his hands.

Frayer continued to loudly explain the risk of coronavirus to his friends as they walked to Collegetown to spend time in a literal cesspool of bodily fluids.


Asian Student Asked If He Visited Wuhan Over Break

COLLEGETOWN—In the wake of the novel coronavirus epidemic, classmates, friends, and other acquaintances of Bryan Pham ‘21 have all asked about his winter break travel plans. Specifically about his proximity to Wuhan, the capital city of the Hubei province of China and the epicenter of the coronavirus outbreak.

“I heard on twitter that the Chinese government is underreporting the amount of detected coronavirus cases,” said Janet Manning ‘22, a classmate in Pham’s Friday discussion. “You didn’t go anywhere near there over break, did you, Bryan?” 

Despite receiving all of this attention, Pham has never been to China, let alone Wuhan, at any point in his entire life. The Seattle native and and third generation Vietnamese American spent his break at home, hanging out with his parents and sleeping. 

“I’m getting a little worried about Bryan; the incubation period for coronavirus is still unknown. He’s a ticking time bomb, and worse yet, he’s not even wearing a mask,” said Pham’s roommate, Nick Alonso ‘21. 

At press time, Pham was reportedly minding his own business and avoiding his friends, not because of the risk of infecting them, but because they’re actually really racist.