Turkey Day Uh Oh! Ugly Cousin Hitting on You

JERICO, NY –  You were expecting a “nice and chill” Thanksgiving break back at home with your family. You’d been looking forward to the nice food, seeing your pets, and even chatting with family members you haven’t seen in a while. But before you know it, things are getting too hot to handle at the kid’s table thanks to a recent awkward encounter with your ugly cousin.

“I was really just trying to hit up that home Tinder, y’know? I didn’t expect to see my creepy cousin there, and obviously I wasn’t really interested,” you say. You go on to tell yourself that you “definitely only swiped right for the meme.” But your ugly cousin doesn’t seem to have received that message.

You might’ve worried that when you saw your cousin, she would be creeped out. As it turns out, she misunderstood your joke in a different way. You knew you were in deep shit when she arrived on Thanksgiving, ugly as ever, and offered you an uncomfortably close and unfathomably long hug. Things went from bad to worse with a smattering of stuffing innuendos being hurled your way. 

One could argue it was all admissible… that is, until the family’s Thanksgiving Football Game. Over and over again you fall, brought to the ground by her and her slimy, reptilian face, far too close for comfort. If only one of the hot cousins was coming to mash your potatoes, you think wistfully. Alas, the fates deemed it just had to be the ugly one. 

You break for your room, desperately attempting to escape the clutches of that foul-faced temptress. But as you look over your shoulder, all you see is a giddy, pig-eyed grin. Your fate may be sealed.

Senior Thrilled to Pick Which Two Family Members Get Heatstroke

ITHACA, NY—With the new announcement that each graduating senior would receive two tickets for guests, students were delighted at the prospect of selecting which family members they’d send to the hospital for severe heat injuries. 

“I was so relieved to get that email,” said Marvin Thomas ’21. “A graduation without grandparents dropping like flies and the dulcet tones of approaching ambulances? Gee, just wouldn’t feel like a real graduation, y’know?” 

In previous years, graduating seniors could ensure that many, if not all of their family members could be guaranteed a brush with death. After the cancellation of the Class of 2020’s in-person commencement, graduating members of the Class of 2021 feared that they too would be unable to use their final moment of college to inflict maximum damage upon their loved ones. 

“I was really at war with myself trying to decide which of my precious relatives I wanted to potentially pass out, or pass away, in the bleachers of Schoellkopf field. Then I remembered Uncle Ted has been getting a little too cocky about that new paleo diet he’s on,” noted Cassandra Lee ’21. “I’m hoping a little good-ol-fashioned sunstroke will humble him.” 

While some students mean only to put their relatives in their place with a good scare, others plan to use the event for more nefarious results. “My Mee-maw has survived both world wars, the Vietnam war, and at least three occasions of something she likes to call ‘Grand-pappy’s Maritime Oopsies’.” said Tobias Peston ’21. “Frankly, I think it’s just her time now.” 

In preparation for the event, emergency services have hurriedly launched an ad campaign, featuring photos of the elderly with captions like: “Beat it, Heat!” and “Sunstroke? Nah, I’ll Take Me Some Funstroke!” Response to the campaign has been tepid at best.