TONI MORRISON HALL—All good things must come to an end, and so it goes that Cornell University’s lovable resident arsonist appears to have retired from their incendiary lifestyle. Despite President Martha Pollack’s hefty reward of 30 BRBs for any information, CUPD remains at a loss for their location, and the student body has resigned itself to a boring, much less flammable semester.
But all hope is not yet lost, for from their ashes has risen a new, albeit much less impressive, criminal mastermind. In a mission statement posted to the Cornell subreddit, Jeremy Nelson ‘24 awarded himself the title of campus tax evader, for his stunning feat of convincing the financial aid office to give him 10 extra dollars. Nelson, who plans on continuing the legacy of his pyrophilic comrade through petty financial trickery, sees himself as a Robin Hood-esque revolutionary.
“It’s like, fuck the rich, you know?” Nelson said, in a comment with 6 upvotes. “I need that cash way more than they do. And I totally would’ve burned down a building or something, but like, that’s so much effort, and you don’t even get paid for it. Tax evasion is a way cooler crime,” Nelson explained, typing furiously as he passionately underreported his income.
Nelson was last seen hunched over his laptop in the Engineering Library at 3 A.M. on Tuesday, attempting to kickstart a shitty cryptocurrency scam. CUPD has urged all students to be wary of purchasing NFTs that bear a suspicious resemblance to VP Ryan Lombardi.
MARY DONLON HALL– Faced with the prospect of returning home for the holidays with nothing to show for himself except a D- in his FWS, the most downvoted post in Cornell Reddit history, and a prematurely receding hairline, Jason Wincherly ‘25 was spared four weeks of his parents’ disappointed silence when he was suddenly hit by an old memory of his parents expressing pride in “arson.”
“It’s weird that my parents would like arson so much, but I guess my dad’s proud of anything that isn’t me, huh?” said Wincherly, trying to pass off his lifelong emotional neglect as a lighthearted joke. Armed with lighter fluid, a BIC lighter stolen from the roommate that stole his girlfriend, and a pathological inferiority complex, he then snuck into Ganedago Hall and set what police chief David Honan would refer to in that morning’s crime alert as “the most disappointing fire of all time.”
Having blazed up the prime trophy that is Ganedago Hall’s winter move out checklist, Wincherely realized that it would take the equivalent of the California wildfires to make up for his lifetime of insolvent bottom feeding. Increasingly desperate to prove himself, Wincherely set a second fire in Ganedago, only to discover the damage cost less than a single bottle of the wine his father drank to forget his disappointment of a son.
After twice failing to set campus ablaze, Wincherly realized that seeing pride in his father’s eyes was the one problem he couldn’t solve by copying off a smarter classmate, and instead settled for setting another one of his signature piss baby fires in Donlon Hall.
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA—After reading some articles about January’s armed robberies across Ithaca, my mom is reportedly pretty afraid that the thief may threaten my safety at Cornell.
“Hey, I’m checking in to make sure you’re doing okay,” my mom texted me last Sunday, presumably worried that the criminal may break into my apartment and attempt to steal my belongings. “Remember, if someone knocks on your door, don’t let them in unless you know who it is.”
It is unclear how exactly my mom learned about the string of crimes. Some speculate Rachel Schuman ’21’s mother told her, because they seem to talk about everything together.
“Every day, she tells me something new about the three different robberies,” my dad told me before listing five different Ithaca newspapers that my mom has been reading. “Could you do me a favor and text her for the next few nights that you’re locking your doors?”
As of press time, the other Cornell moms in my mother’s group chat have shifted to being more worried about the ongoing flu season.
ITHACA — After looking into the prevalence of graffiti on the Cornell main campus, investigators from the Ithaca Police Department are almost certain the vandal, who has been defacing school property with communist propaganda, is an asshole.
“We had our suspicions that this hoodlum was an asshole back in November when they spray painted the A.D. White statue,” said Officer Ronald Wilson of IPD in a statement released on Monday, “but our suspicions seem to have been confirmed by their recent message on Baker Flagpole. Now, all we have to do is narrow down our search to the assholes enrolled at Cornell.”
The Cornell University police department is cooperating fully to find whatever asshole has been drawing sickles and hammers around Ithaca by using a viable system of justice to right wrongs and not prancing across the grounds with a can of spray paint.
“They wrote ‘Kill Your Rapist’ on the side of our house,” said a brother of the Sigma Pi fraternity, also recently vandalized, “which I thought was kind of horrible. I mean, what kind of asshole marches into someone’s personal space and defiles it with no respect for anyone else?”
The authorities have confidence they will be able to catch the asshole in question, whose message might have been taken seriously if only they had any sense of decency or maturity.