Cornell Dining Unveils Corned Beef and Cabbage Infused Water for St. Patrick’s Day

OKENSHIELDS—To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day this Saturday, Cornell Dining has proudly revealed an exciting take on a traditional Irish staple. An attempt to bring “cultural fusion” to the table, corned beef and cabbage infused water is anticipated to tie together the rich flavors of a holiday meal.

“At Cornell Dining, our two primary goals are promoting cultural understanding through diverse culinary experiences and flavoring water,” said Head Chef Barron Lardman. “We just throw some peaches or avocado into a dispenser and the kids gobble it up. This St. Patrick’s Day, we thought ‘fuck it, lets plop in an entire entreé—this will certainly give them a taste of Ireland.’”

Infused water is usually offered in refreshing flavors like cucumber mint and citrus, a stark contrast from the corned beef and cabbage essence that proved lukewarm in both temperature and reception.

“They promised that the St. Patty’s Day-themed drink would transport us straight to the rolling green hills of Ireland,” said Amy Flippensen, “but I feel like I’ve been transported to a pool of my own post-dinner spit. Couldn’t they have served the meal without soaking it in water first?”

Sources confirmed that the chefs at Cornell Dining have already come up with future seasonal beverages, including mayo for Cinco de Mayo, raw eggs for Easter, and a titillating Viagra infusion for Father’s Day.

OP-ED: You Boozy Fuckers Know Nothing About Esteemed Irish Culture

Listen up, you assholes: all of you, with your fake orange beards that look like upside-down Troll hair and your misplaced green Mardi Gras beads, know jack shit about the esteemed religious and cultural meaning of Saint Patrick’s Day.

This is supposed to be the one time of the year when people acknowledge the 5th-century missionary who became the canonized figure of The Emerald Isle, and all you selfish crass college kids do is chug shitty green beer and piss it back onto the law school? Why don’t you just shove a shamrock-frosted cupcake up my ass?

And don’t get me started on all you twisted fucks who tell people to “kiss me, I’m Irish,” but I bet none of you even speak one word of Gaelic and you just think this sacred festival honoring the life and legacy of the foremost patron saint of Ireland is a convenient way to score some action. Have some respect, you sick freaks.

For me, I’m going to be spending my Saint Patrick’s Day making sure everyone who crosses my path knows that not every Irish person dances the fucking jig and looks like a three-foot-tall Ed Sheeran. And you’d better believe I’m going to wear green, but in the form of a long sleeve button-up, and also in church, praying for all you sacrilegious, insensitive pieces of shit.