Denice Cassaro Kept Awake at Night, Haunted by Student Unconnected to Community

WILLARD-STRAIGHT HALL – Denice Cassaro lay awake all night haunted by the specter of a bored student who, in the absence of any fun events on campus, just went to bed early.

“I’ve worked so hard to make sure that students are aware of the fun, engaging community events happening around them at all times of the day,” muttered Cassaro over a very full tumbler of whiskey. “And this is what it comes to. A young kid, full of life, lying in bed early on a Friday night. The puppies aren’t being pet. The coffee’s not being drunk. The popcorn’s just sitting there … not like this. Not like this.”

Cassaro then threw her drink back, drained the glass and left, remarking “I have some student life to engage.”

Cassaro Reminds Students that the Semester, Like Their Youth, is Half-Over

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL – Monday, in one of her weekly emails to the student body, Denise Cassaro reminded students that the semester, as well as their youth, is already half-over.

 “Wow!” remarked Cassaro in her signature multi-color newsletter. “I can’t believe it! It feels like the semester just began! In just a few weeks you all will be getting ready for finals, and you’ll be that much closer to the grey monotony of adult life that stretches tediously on until death’s inevitable embrace.”

Students, for whom “half of the academic semester and the promise of a life yet unlived” has passed, were advised to “work hard in the second half of the semester [and] know that the bright light of youth fades every day.”

She enumerated the events currently being planned by the Willard Straight Resource Center, as well as various things students can expect as their youth drains rapidly away, including “loss of sex drive, tiredness, fatigued skin, hair loss, back hair, sagging breasts, reduced stamina, depression, and failure.”

In her cheerful sign-off, she remarked, “I’ll write you again in a week, at which point the semester and your youth will be more than half over. Neat!”