Student Enters Sixth Hour of Waiting to be let into 2nd Floor of Trillium

KENNEDY HALL—Citing her exasperation at no one making enough eye contact for her to silently mime an opening motion before being let through the one-way door, Katherine Ochona, ’21, has reportedly spent the last 6 hours orbiting the 2nd floor door between Kennedy Hall and Trillium. 

“I was just leaving my 10:10 Biochemistry class, when I felt like popping in for a burrito.” reported Ochona, who had been pacing outside of Trillium’s door for the equivalent of seven of the same biochemistry classes. “Walking down the one flight of stairs, out the Bus Stop Bagels door, and over to Trillium could add seconds, maybe even a whole minute, to my packed schedule! So I’ve decided to wait here till someone exits through the door or lets me in.”

Despite Trillium’s frequently crowded second floor, it is evident that students were either not noticing or not wanting to step up from their meals to push open the door and let Katherine inside. One student reportedly made brief awkward eye contact with the pleading, desperate Ochona, before going back to the “Settings” app on his iPhone to pretend like he was reading a new message.

After watching seven oblivious students saunter over to their respective tables, Ochona explained how she “Would never” knock on the window to be let in. “I don’t want to seem desperate, right? I’m just going to keep making pointed eye contact till it starts working.”

At press time, it has been reported that Cornell has hired the Cornell Urban Planning Department to facilitate foot traffic within the dining hall by replacing all doors with one-way doors that only open from the inside.

Traces of Protein Discovered in Okenshields Chicken Stir Fry

OKENSHIELDS—An analysis released Tuesday found that scant traces of protein exist in the chicken stir fry served at Okenshields.

“We believe the protein compounds discovered in the sample are of avian origin, perhaps chicken.” said Food Science Lab Director Hans Kuiken. “However, we can’t determine the precise composition of the proteins due to their relative scarcity.”

It has long been rumored among students that the chicken stir fry contains meat, but Cornell Dining has repeatedly dismissed this as university folklore.

Executive Chef Joshua Miller released a statement following the incident: “At Okenshields, it is our number one priority to ensure that all stir fries are free of nutritional value, and this most recent incident is not to the standards of Cornell Dining. We can say with confidence that the parties who allowed the meat to come in contact with the stir fry have been terminated.”

Rumors continue to circulate about the presence of other edible foods in the E. Coli & Salmonella casseroles.

Pre-Frosh Excited To Visit Restaurants That Will Close Before he Arrives

COLLEGETOWN—Hungry after a long day of exploring his future campus, incoming engineer Julio Saldanha ‘23 was captivated by Collegetown’s choice of dining options that will surely shut down before the fall semester.

“All these restaurants look so good, but I think I’m going to spend a lot of time at Calios these next four years,” said Saldanha, blissfully unaware that by August it will be replaced with a bubble tea shop, which itself will promptly close 10 months later.

“There’s such a good mix of places, too! You have the new trendy spots next to landmarks like Collegetown Pizza. I can’t imagine that will ever close,” Saldanha continued.

Though he was disappointed to hear CTB will be closing before next fall, Saldanha was relieved to learn he could still overpay for food at any of Cornell’s 14 on-campus dining locations.

Avant-garde Hotelie Unveils Establishment Dinner Theme “Spheres and Cubes”

STATLER HOTEL—School of Hotel Administration student Michael Lowett ‘18 took over this week’s Establishment dinner with an experimental and unorthodox meal solely comprised of small geometric patterns.

Lowett described his menu as “a piece that captures the duality of life and religion,” but when customers showed up for the event, almost no food was served. “It was an eight course meal, but I mean, most of the courses were a single jelly bean,” said one unsatisfied student.

“The food doesn’t matter,” Lowett wrote in the Facebook event for the dinner. “I tried to do some groundbreaking stuff, stop asking me about the food.”

The dining experience, advertised as “an evening inside a mirror,” further upset the customers with 3 hours of loud spoken word poetry about the planet Mars blasted over the speaker system.

Lowett’s professor has publicly come out supporting the dinner theme, stating: “Lowett really revolutionized the Establishment’s themed dinners. People didn’t understand Picasso when he drew noses on foreheads. This is the same thing.”

Despite many complaints about the dining experience, the University has announced that part of Lowett’s dinner will be transformed into the next arts quad exhibit.

Nasties Features French Menu to Boost Dining Ratings

LES NÉCESSITÉS DE L’OURS— Responding to a lower ranking on the latest college dining reviews, the culinary team behind the counter at Nasties decided to rewrite the menu entirely in French to boost their ratings.

“It’s the same old Nasties we know and love, just organized a little differently with classics like our bâtonnets de mozzarella now featured in the Hors D’oeuvres section,” explained recently-promoted sous chef de cuisine and long-time deep-frier Brenda McGowen. “Rest assured, your late night pépites de poulet from the grillades are going nowhere.”

Sources confirmed that the establishment’s management team has required all staff members to speak exclusively in French to inform patrons when their orders are ready.

“Édouard! ÉDOUARD!!!!” an employee bellowed across the kitchen to a pleasantly confused Ed Walker ’19. “Vos frites sont prêtes!”

Finally satisfied with his Cornell Dining experience, Walker was seen using a plastic fork and knife to cut his chili cheese fries into bite-sized pieces and praising Nasties on Yelp for excellent ambiance.

“I’m Ruined!” Murmurs Jack’s Owner After Wings Over Ithaca Opens Across Street

COLLEGETOWN — Following the grand opening of Wings Over Ithaca on Dryden Road in Collegetown, reports indicate that Jack’s Grill owner Kevin Sullivan was seen shaking his fist in the general direction of the new local competitor while murmuring phrases such as “I’m ruined!” and “it can’t be!”.

“Dammit! That blasted Wings Over Ithaca just had to open up right across the street. They’ll run me right out of town!” decried Sullivan, whose face began to turn red with rage as he spun around to face his helpless and begrudging kitchen staff. “Well don’t just stand there; cook, you fools! I want 500 fried chicken sandwiches made in the next hour. If it’s a chicken war they want, it’s a chicken war they’ll get.”

Sullivan was later observed donning a wig, fake mustache, and oversized coat, and entering Wings Over Ithaca to inconspicuously taste the rival’s food before muttering “oh they’re good, they’re really good” under his breath.

Student Upset Cafeteria Worker Didn’t Return Apathetic Hello

RPCC — After waiting impatiently to be swiped in, Phoebe Adams, ‘20 was bothered when a local cafeteria worker didn’t return her bland, apathetic “Hello.”

“I went to get dinner just like I do every day and gave the person at the register my usual indifferent greeting. I thought they would appreciate that,” said Adams, who went on to angrily demand extra chicken wings from another dining staff member.

Adams believed that her monotone greeting warranted more than a simple smile and nod of acknowledgement.

“I even went as far as to ask them how they were. I didn’t want to hear any of it, but I thought it was courteous, yet I get nothing in return,” added Adams

Adams ended up eating alone in frustration, beleaguered by less-than-friendly service workers, and left without bussing her plate.

Saké Bombing Latest Attack in Turf War Between Collegetown Japanese Restaurants

EDDY STREET – In what is the most recent episode in a longstanding battle for Collegetown supremacy, several saké bombs were set off between popular Japanese eateries Plum Tree and Miyake.

The bombing, which occurred in the late hours of Friday evening, claimed the sobrieties of dozens of unsuspecting frat brothers and their dates.

“I was just sitting there eating some spring rolls, minding my own business,” said survivor Jessica Jackson ‘17, “And suddenly, out of nowhere, the sake bomb just destroyed me.”

As the commotion died down, employees at nearby Four Seasons could be seen giggling maliciously as they happily munched on vegetable tempura.

OP-ED: If You Die, What Happens To Your BRBs?

Hey friends. Just thought I’d check in because all week, there’s just been one, singular question on my mind. Seriously, this puppy’s been keeping me up all night. If you die, what happens to your BRBs?

Is it like a next-of-kin thing? Like a “oh hey, sorry your brother died, but at least you’re set on pasta bowls for life” kinda deal?  Or can you pick a person like a whole bequeathing “I’ve summoned you all here today with some bad news, who wants free sesame chicken for a semester” kinda joint? Sorry, I know it’s a trivial question, but I really wanna get to the bottom of this one.

I mean, really, if your BRBs go nowhere after you die, that’s just good money being left on the table. At least send it to, like, students in need or something? Or maybe it could be like a raffle, sort of a “millionth person who gets a salad at Trillium’s wins all of this dead student’s BRBs” kinda deal. Or you could wait for them to build up and give everyone free lunch on the last day of classes like a “hey, it’s the last day of fifth grade so we’re having a school wide pizza party even though it’s being funded by dead people’s money” kinda deal?

Or, and now hear me out on this one, is it like a “Hunger Games-style people fight to the death over the remaining pool of dead people’s BRBs and then pool also gets larger when people die in the Hunger Games because those are dead students too” kinda situation, or more of a “we put numbers on a bunch of turtles and people choose turtles and whoever’s turtle wins gets all this dead kids food money to spend at Mattin’s on deflated quesadillas” sort of competition?

Anyways, I’d appreciate a swift reply on this one, not like a “oh, great question but I have nothing to add to the discussion” sort of reply, but more of an “I’m an ‘in-the-know’ kind of person” that can provide an “I’ve got some knowledge for you” kind of response.

Romantic Evening Ruined by RPCC Closing at 9:00

ROBERT PURCELL MARKETPLACE EATERY – Following a wonderful, chemistry-filled conversation over Mongolian stir-fry and chicken bacon ranch pizza, the mood between Lance Becker ‘20 and Sarah Burr ‘20 was reportedly killed Tuesday night when the guy behind the pasta counter reminded them the dining hall would be closing at 9:00 p.m.

“Everything was going well until we were rudely interrupted. The lights weren’t too bright or too dim, the line for roast beef sushi was only five people long, and Lance was everything I imagined a man who takes me to a suave place like RPCC could be,” said Burr, who believed she never saw love until Becker volunteered a guest swipe to pay for her meal.

“We have standards at this fine establishment that is the Robert Purcell Marketplace Eatery. If I didn’t tell the two to leave, then all of the lovers on the Bear Traditional dining plan would talk late into the night, hours after closing,” said a student employee, jealous after her bad date Thursday at Appel.

Even after the disappointing end to their evening, Burr is reportedly considering asking Becker to join her next week at some place nicer, like Cook House on West Campus.