“These Are Not the ID’s You’re Looking For,” Say Nerds at Moonies Entrance

THE COMMONS — Campus nerds Colleen Eiderman ’19 and Emily Mehta ’19, who forgot their fake ID’s at their apartment, attempted to use a Jedi Mind trick on the unsuspecting Moonies bouncer.

“These are not the ID’s you’re looking for,” said the inebriated Eiderman, as she waved her hand across the bouncer’s face and Mehta made a ‘swoosh’ sound. The bouncer, likely a higher-level Jedi himself, did not fall for the maneuver and promptly requested the two underage students to leave the premises.

“I for sure thought it would work,” said Eiderman, “Earlier today, I told my English professor, ‘You will give me an extension’ and he did. This bouncer knows the ways of the Force.”

Sources report the two geeks missed out on the opportunity for their first Fireball shots with Greedo.

Frats Agree to Split Cost of Tanker Truck of Beer for Pledge

TRIPHAMMER ROAD — A coalition of fraternities has purchased a tanker truck of beer to be shared among Cornell’s frats during pledge season. This unprecedented effort will save thousands of dollars on the millions of gallons of beer that the frats collectively purchase during the semester.

“I know this is sorta making history, and it was mostly my idea,” Frederick Carlson ’16 said, laying a hand on the side of the truck. “The hardest part was ordering a keg that’s 2,000 times the size of a normal one. Hopefully we’ll have enough beer to keep the new pledges constantly blacked-out.”

As the mega-keg arrived at the Epsilon Upsilon annex, one anxious freshman observed the scene. Said Jackson Morris ‘19, “I’m sure it’ll be worth pledging… I’m pretty sure… But that’s a lot of beer. I heard they’re gonna make us swim in that thing.”

“We spent hours calling truck companies, and Brad could barely attach the tap to the semi– but it’s all worth it for that moment you grab a ladder to do the most epic kegstand of your life,” Carlson said.

Asian Restaurant Replacing Dunbar’s Whether You Like it or Not

COLLEGETOWN – Following the closure of Collegetown staple Dunbar’s, it has been announced by local contractors that the popular establishment will likely be turned into another Asian restaurant, whether you like it or not.

Despite Eddy Street already having multiple Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Indian restaurants, the former hotspot of Dunbar’s will inevitably by decorated with foreign characters and flowery designs indicative of Asian cuisine, much to the chagrin of you and your friends. In the following weeks, it is expected that you will frequently complain about the closure of Dunbar’s and refuse to enter the new Asian restaurant before eventually hearing about their excellent dumplings and changing your mind.

Later reports indicate that it’s only a matter of time before Rulloff’s faces a similar fate, forcing you and your friends to trek all the way down to the commons if you ever want a fun night out again.

Hungover Garrett Regrets 2 AM Impulse Purchase of New Academic Building

DAY HALL – After a night of intense partying, President Elizabeth Garrett woke up this morning with both a massive hangover and immense regret from drunkenly ordering a new academic building to be constructed on campus.

“I don’t even remember buying a new building, but I got an email confirmation that I did at 2:30AM last night” admitted Garrett, who had apparently gone on to Amazon.com after stumbling home shit-faced from Level B and decided to shop for $40 million halls for sale by users.

A statement released by the Office of the President acknowledges the mistake, yet reminds the community that the building in question has tremendous ratings, and the immense cost was offset by Garrett’s $50 gift card.

“I haven’t really thought about what I’m going to name the new building yet. Bacardi Hall, maybe?” said Garrett, while fondly remembering the night before. “I guess the students will just have to deal with more construction and raised tuition until I get my drinking problem under control.”

Construction for the new academic building is expected to be completed in Spring 2018, leaving Garrett sadly wishing she had at least chosen two-day shipping.

Drunken Report: This Pizza Amazing

COLLEGE AVENUE — According to a drunken report recently released by Adam Maxwell ’18, this pizza is fucking amazing. The report was released after Maxwell participated in several hours of partying, where he theorized that a meat lovers, pineapple, and red onion slice of pizza would be “fucking dope right now.”

“This shit is incredible,” uttered the ILR sophomore, adding multiple grunts and moans to the announcement of his test results.

Maxwell’s discovery was made within minutes of ingesting large quantities of bread, cheese and sausage, confirming his hypothesis that the pizza was “godlike.”

“You’ve got to try this pizza man it’s the shit,” he excitedly told his friend, Jason McGruber ’18, who embraced Maxwell’s analysis, citing his conclusions as “genius. Fucking genius right here.”

As he finished licking grease off his fingers, Maxwell proceeded to publish his findings on the pizza to his personal Facebook page and in several text messages to his crush and hot chemistry T.A.

Hungover Senior Finally Wakes Up From Slope Day Stupor

LIBE SLOPE — After blacking out during the Slope Day concert, graduated senior Benjamin Chambers ’15 has finally awoken from his alcohol induced slumber that began this past May.

“That was the craziest Slope Day ever! How long was I out for, like a day?” exclaimed Chambers, who has until today been unconsciously resting on Libe slope with an empty Bacardi bottle in his hand while accumulating a horrendous sunburn around his tank top.

Chambers allegedly drank fifty-four shots of vodka before and during Chance the Rapper’s set, after which he sat down under a tree behind Willard Straight Hall and slept peacefully for three months following.

“I can’t believe I got that drunk. I hope I didn’t do anything stupid,” added Chambers, who slept through both his graduation and the first few weeks of his job at a publishing company in Manhattan.

At press time, Chambers was heading back to his old apartment to take some aspirin and to study for his sociology exam that had taken place at the end of last semester.

Prefrosh Prepares Story of High School Drinking to Impress New Friends

ROCHESTER – Derrick Crowley, Class of 2019, is currently attempting to figure out the best way to tell his fellow freshman of that one night of underage drinking during his final year of high school. Crowley believes that his crazy and meticulously practiced story will gain him social credibility and immediately garner friends during O-Week.

“This will definitely get me in with my fellow students,” said Crowley. “My story is really unique and it shows how I’m not willing to adhere to authority!”

His story is rumored to include such details as the place where he threw up, his conversation with that cute girl Rebecca, his trek to the beach where he lost his third favorite sweatshirt, and the crazy thing he did when four other people were looking.

“It started out as a normal Wednesday night, that is, until Robby took the quarter-full handle of Svedka out of his backpack,” rehearsed Crowley into his bathroom mirror.

When asked for any further clarification, Crowley declined in order to keep the story a mystery that he will only tell to his closest friends after arriving on campus in the fall.

“I think I have an edge because I did something that most kids have never done in high school and that’s what will get me to the top of the social ladder early.”

Crowley was quick to point out that he’s optimistic his story will engage listeners and hopefully lead to his first college hookup. He also added that he hooked up with a girl while still in high school, which is another story that everyone will want to hear.

X Disease Plagues Greek System

GANNETT—Cornell Health Services has been overwhelmed by a sudden outbreak of the X Disease.  Over the past week, a steady increase of students, particularly those involved in the Greek system, have been affected by this contagious wave of hand-rashes.

The common name for this disease derives from the defining shape of the rash, yet the color and size of the X can vary significantly. The typical ‘X’ shape is oftentimes nearly unrecognizable. The rash is typically found on the back of one hand and it usually fades after five to seven days.  Besides this mark, other symptoms include weakened balance, blurred vision, headaches, and unusual attire.

Students with prelims in the upcoming days seem to have developed an immunity to this disease, while those who have no exams approaching are highly susceptible.

The disease seems to correlate with age, with students under 21 contracting the illness at a much higher rate, although some underage students have escaped from parties with their hands mysteriously unscathed.

“We don’t have nearly enough Advil and alcohol swabs to cure this disease,” remarks Gannett physician Dr. Kenneth Hill.  “We highly advise all to stay clear of the cars offering rides by RPCC, as this location seems to be a hot spot for contraction.”

Uris Cocktail Lounge Confusingly Bans Cocktail Consumption

URIS LIBRARY — Uris Library has angrily clarified today that “under no circumstances are cocktails to be consumed in the Uris Cocktail Lounge,” confusing a large number of students.

“You are not allowed to drink alcohol in Uris Library and attempts to do so will be dealt with accordingly,” explained the Library spokesperson in spite of the fact that the recent addition to Uris Library is clearly called the “Cocktail Lounge,” and cocktail lounges are places where people go to have a drink after a hard day of work.

Students expressed confusion over the clarification. “Generally, names of buildings guide me around campus. I always go to Mann Library because I am a male,  I make baked goods only in Baker Hall, and I never do any woodworking outside of Carpenter,” said Senior Kevin Zhang.

“If I want to kick back in Uris Library and enjoy a martini with a nice view of the slope, then I need to do that in the Cocktail Lounge, right?”

Rulloff’s to Reclose Thursday

COLLEGETOWN – Following the exciting news of the reopening of Rulloff’s, new owner Gregar Brous announced today that the Collegetown establishment would promptly close again on Thursday.

“We already have a lot on our plate with Collegetown Bagels and Agava. You didn’t really think we were bringing back Rulloff’s forever, did you?” said Brous, while putting the final touches on the bar in anticipation of a very busy 24-hour period.

“Look, everybody can come in on Wednesday, have a drink, reminisce about a restaurant that will be gone by tomorrow night, and celebrate the wonderful Collegetown tradition that is Rulloff’s. But then get out.”

Further research indicated that even if Rulloff’s were not to close on Thursday, it is bound to close sometime in the near future and be replaced by an Asian restaurant.