COLLEGETOWN– According to sources, senior Colin Atkins urinated himself after a night of excessive drinking late Saturday night, and would be considered a fully-grown adult with the corresponding responsibilities in many cultures. The inebriated student reportedly “shotgunned like eight or ten beers with his bros” and, if he lived in many second or third world…
COLLEGETOWN – Saying that they did not want to seem intrusive, onlookers gave brief pause when a drunk Sarah Campbell stumbled and fell late last Saturday night. “She looks fine,” said junior Lawrence Farmer. “I think it would be inappropriate for me to see if she’s okay. Like, it’s already embarrassing enough for her. I’d…
BAUER — Sources are indicating that Jacob Lifflander ’18 spent a considerable amount of time and money this weekend convincing his parents that he has been drinking and partying often while away at college. “I don’t want them to think their tuition money is going to waste,” explained the studious biology major while removing his latest…
ITHACA, NY — Matthew Bernstein ‘15 has been suffering from an alcohol withdrawal headache all day, a headache which he has mistakenly attributed to too little sleep. “Man, my head’s pounding today. I definitely need to get to bed earlier today,” said Bernstein, unable to connect the dots between the fact he’s been drunk every…
COLLEGETOWN- In order to keep up in the competitive Collegetown bar scene, Ruloff’s has followed the path of many of its rivals Monday by closing forever. “It does seem like the thing to do if you’re a C-Town bar these days,” said senior Rich Beckham in front of the former night life hot spot. “All…
