Professor Excited to Learn What The Course They’re Teaching Tomorrow Is Going To Be About

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Just 15 hours before the first lesson of the semester, one Arts and Sciences professor is giddy in anticipation of finding out the subject, content, and themes of the course he is about to start teaching.

“It’s such an exciting time–students are coming back, finalizing their schedules, and some classes still don’t even have a subject! I’m going to have to completely improvise my opening lecture and pray students don’t notice!” said Professor Marty Jordan ‘95, his eye twitching. “Nothing is planned and everything is up in the air. I’m on my eighth cup of coffee and my email is so full of questions! What are the prerequisites? What are the basic tenets of the class? Will there be assigned reading for the first class at 9AM tomorrow? Who knows! Keep checking those emails kids!”

Despite sending a full syllabus and reading list to the university for approval in July, Professor Jordan has been denied tenure y and moved to an unlisted course to ensure flexibility for students. However, students have been less than pleased with the decision.

“Is this supposed to be good for us?” wondered Andrew Hannold ‘22. “I’m a second semester senior. I only want to know two things. One: Is there work in this class? Two: Do I have to show up for lecture? If the answer to either of those questions is yes, then I drop the class. And I can’t do that if I have to guess what the actual course content is going to be, alright? Honestly, I feel bad for Professor Jordan, but there is zero chance I pay attention anyways, so he ought to just pick something and run with it.”

At time of writing, administration has responded to questions about course offerings by accusing students of being “greedy” and adding that querulous students may be added to the “naughty list.”

Professor Drops Class at Last Possible Minute

KENNEDY HALL – Noting that it was a hard but necessary move, Professor Larry Miller, Biology and Society, has dropped his Communication in Medicine class only hours before the end of the penalty-free drop period.

“I couldn’t handle the stress,” Miller stated when asked about his last-minute decision. “I’m already teaching 16 other credits, and I’m on the e-boards of four faculty organizations. How am I supposed to have time to network with all of my famous colleagues if all I’m doing is grading papers? I’ve got to take my longterm goals into account, and this class simply didn’t fit.”

Immediately after dropping the class, Miller signed up for four department social events on Handshake and committed to three more Faculty Fellow meals a week, though he is still unsure it will be enough to justify teaching only 16 credits. But, Miller admitted, “I’m really looking forward to the freedom.”

In his newfound free time, Miller plans to attend meetings advertised in the eighteen listservs he is signed up for, attempt to make some new connections in his field, and, if all goes well, maybe get some sleep.