STATLER HOTEL—When a date at Terrace led his girlfriend to ask why administration simply couldn’t increase the number of Big Red Bucks included in meal plans, one Cornell Econ student burst into a histrionic rant that this would surely cause the destruction of the Cornell economy.
“Of course they can’t just print more BRBs, sweetie,” scoffed Allen Brooksby ‘24, taking out his Introductory Microeconomics textbook with a heavy sigh. “You clearly don’t understand simple principles of economic thought. Have you ever heard of inflation? Of course not. You know the Great Depression? The 2008 housing crisis? The horrors of Communism? Venezuela? In case you didn’t know, this is exactly why all those things happened. When you print more money the entire country has bad things happen, that’s basically a law of economics.”
To demonstrate his points more clearly, Brooksby proceeded to graph the situation, labeling the x-axis Inflation and the y-axis Economic Disaster. He drew a line with a steep positive slope labelled Cornell’s Economy, which he claimed was definitive proof that issuing extra BRBs would bankrupt the university. Extremely proud of himself, he proceeded to show the graph to passing students, mentioning multiple times that he was teaching economics to his girlfriend.
“Honestly, I’m not even insulted that he treated me like a child, just kind of confused what his point was,” explained Brooke Henderson ‘25. “You can’t compare the Treasury issuing new currency to Cornell making its meal plans slightly more affordable, that’s a complete non sequitur. I’d be willing to bet that a fair amount of BRB’s don’t wind up getting spent at all, and that’s just a bad deal for us. You can only spend them at like six places on campus anyways, it’s an extremely lame system for anyone who likes not losing money. And did he just call me his girlfriend? This is the second time we’ve hung out.”
Following this interview, grades for the first Microeconomics prelim exam were posted, with Henderson scoring ten percentage points higher than her friend.
DYSON SCHOOL OF APPLIED ECONOMICS AND MANAGEMENT—On Thursday evening, University President Martha Pollack announced in an email that Cornell alum Lucifer the Prince of Darkness ‘09 will be speaking on topics in economics this semester.
“Lucie is a dear friend of mine and of many other members of the Cornell community,” wrote Pollack. “His Darkness has provided the University with many opportunities to be grateful for.” Some of the topics teased in Pollack’s email include “How to Commit Tax Evasion,” and “Exploiting Workers: From Avoiding Worker’s Compensation to Threatening a Fiery Eternity.”
Students across campus are surprised at the news, yet in consensus that they should have foreseen the announcement, as many faculty are tightly connected to the Devil.
Benson Patterson ‘24 described the clues that he failed to acknowledge earlier this semester. “The professor of my Business Management and Organization class always had zoom backgrounds of fiery scapes, but I now realize that they weren’t zoom backgrounds at all, but that he is actually sitting pretty in Hell. Ugh, I can’t believe I trusted him when he said the screams that always interrupt the lecture were his dogs, because they’ve been the shrieks of tortured souls condemned to eternal damnation this whole time!”
As of press time, Dyson students had also received correspondence from interim Dean Edward McLaughlin, urging students to rejoice at Satan’s impending arrival. “Long have the scholars and followers of the infernal Chief Executive Officer and His Hellish Scripture awaited His return. The holy world will soon crumble and tremble in agony, and we, the Noble, will be bathed in His scorching knowledge of business and marketing with smiles on our faces and our hearts in His flesh!” (Translated from Latin).
MVR HALL—PAM Professor Emeritus Richard Burkhauser recently accepted a new academic position at the White House, where he will teach introductory microeconomics to the freshman administration.
“I can’t wait to teach the fundamentals of conservative economics to a new batch of students, who will hopefully use those ideas when they get out in the real world,” said Burkhauser.
The White House reportedly hired Professor Burkhauser due to his ability to work with all students regardless of their background before taking an interest in substantive economic policy.
“I’m excited to learn about new concepts like “trade” and “taxes” and apply them to my other classes, like Intro to Politics and Public Speaking,” stated one of Burkhauser’s students.
Burkhauser will begin teaching next semester, with introductory lectures on supply and demand and elasticity scheduled around class field trips to the G20 Summit and the World Economic Forum.
IVES HALL – In an apparent attempt to make the course material more relatable, Economics professor Stephan Thomas explained the Principle of Opportunity Cost by reminding all students of everything they were giving up in order to be in class right now.
“You see, whenever you choose something, you’re giving something else up,” began Thomas to his ECON 1110 class, “And that’s just like when you all chose to come to class this morning, your opportunity cost is all the more worthwhile things you could be doing like watching Netflix, exercising, or sleeping in an extra hour.”
“Everyone just take a second to think about what they would be doing if they weren’t here right now,” continued Thomas to a room of disinterested students, making clear that the demand for lecture wasn’t close to meeting Thomas’s supply.
Professor Thomas was reportedly unsurprised by the noticeably lower turnout as the semester went on, using Cyclic Demand Theory to predict attendance to raise as they neared the Final.