DUFFIELD HALL–In what sources are describing as “the practical joke of the century,” Sam Powers ‘23 has discovered the military industrial complex during the last semester of his engineering degree.
“Oh man, they got me good,” said a chuckling Powers. “I spent years eating 3 a.m. Duffield vending machine brinners because I thought my skills could help people, and it turns out the best I can do is drone warfare? What a bunch of goofballs! No way I could’ve seen that one coming,” continued Powell, whose last humanities class was a freshman writing seminar on the history of hot dogs in literature. “This was a shocker for sure.”
While Powers was still giggling over the total destruction of his career goals and ethics mere months before graduation, he was surprised to learn he wasn’t the only starry-eyed do-gooder to be totally owned.
“We like to do this whenever we’re in a silly goofy mood,” said a top silly goose for global weapons manufacturer Aerofence. “We tell an eight year old they must be really special because they can add numbers slightly better than other eight year olds, and bada bing bada boom, suddenly they think differential equations are a real thing! You should see the look on their faces! At Aerofence, we make more than just intercontinental ballistic missiles. We also make great jokes. Mostly the missiles, though.”
In a show of excellent humor, Powers decided to pay it forward by sending the Syrian public “a joke that absolutely kills.”
DUFFIELD HALL–Adorable! Proud onlookers report that Benny DeCosta ‘23 looked as cute as a button in his big boy suit today as he prepared for his interview with the hypersonic missiles branch of Raytheon Technologies.
DeCosta’s big day began early. He was too excited to sleep, so he watched an episode of Barney and Friends before getting ready. He packed himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich so he wouldn’t get hungry, put on his nicest pair of Velcro loafers, and practiced saying “Amewican intewests must be pwotected wegawdwess of cost” in the mirror. Soooo cute!
With his big eyes and dimpled smile, it’s no surprise the Raytheon recruiter thought that this charming little man was the perfect candidate to create the next generation of airborne explosives. Although he struggled a little with his adding and subtracting, DeCosta wowed the recruiter with his ability to read at the second grade level and the coloring book pages he brought of drones raining down hellfire on a once-peaceful Sesame Street really made a personal impact. Don’t tell Benny the big secret, but sources say they’re already up on the Raytheon refrigerator!
DeCosta was all tuckered out from his interview, so he went back to his dorm for a nappy-nap, and dreamed of his new super duper cool mega toys that would end the lives of countless innocents who happened to live in a country with economic interests counter to America’s.
Kids! They grow up so fast!
Last Monday, Jackson Carter ‘25 surprised his introductory Physics zoom lecture with an inspiring new T-shirt choice: one of the “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” shirts given out by the College of Engineering.
“At first, I wondered why this idiot had his camera on in a 300 person lecture,” classmate Samantha O’Neill ‘25 remembered, “but then I noticed his shirt and realized, ‘Oh this guy is just an asshole.’ So you can imagine my shock when I later learned that they don’t exclusively give out those shirts to white guys who take fifteen seconds to decide whether or not to hold the door to Duffield open for you even though you’re only walking one pace behind them and now there’s a whole line of people waiting to get inside while he internally praises himself for being both a Gentleman™ and a Feminist™.”
During Monday’s zoom lecture, Carter made an effort to sit chest first in front of his camera in an effort to show off that he was, in fact, an engineer and looked like one. Carter also often unmuted to incorrectly correct the professor’s math and, during breakout rooms, personally invited each one of his peers to turn their cameras on too.
“I just think it’s my job, as a Caucasian male, to provide an inclusive environment for my less advantageous peers to speak out and release their burden,” Carter explained. “After all, if I don’t personally talk to all the women in my class, do I truly have the right to bear the insignia of the Cornell engineer in this manner? Do I disrespect the name and honor of my school if I don’t speak up for the masses about the mathematical misinformation being spread by the establishment? Must I be the one emblem of equality in an unfair world?”
By Wednesday’s class, Carter had already dropped the course and become a business major, claiming a desire to “take on a new challenge where I can touch more people’s lives” and shrugging off allegations that a horrendous GPA was to blame.