Ezra Cornell Rises from Grave, Admits “Hotel School” Was Joke Idea

STATLER HALL– As the 100th anniversary of the Peter and Stephanie Nolan School of Hotel Administration approaches, Ezra Cornell has risen from the grave to speak his mind. Climbing out of his marble sarcophagus in Sage Chapel on Friday night, Cornell’s founding father finally set the record straight on the #1 hospitality program in the United States: “I was kidding, guys.”

The School of Hotel Administration was reportedly founded after administrators found a note scrawled in the margin of the original Cornell charter stating, “I would found an institution where any student with familial ties to the Mariott empire could take a bunch of cooking classes and then go work for Bank of America.” Those administrators apparently did not read the subsequent line, “LOL.”

Students and administrators had mixed reactions to this bombshell admission. Some fervently defended the merits of an Ivy League hospitality program, while others, like Kiley Harrison, Hotel ’25, were less surprised. “After I took the second 4-credit required course on how to use PowerPoint, I started thinking something had to be going on,” noted Harrison. “It actually makes me feel a lot better knowing this was a joke, and no one actually thinks this is a useful curriculum.”

Ezra told reporters he considers “Hotel School” to be one of his most hilarious gag ideas, right up there with making freshmen swim three laps to graduate, “chimesmasters” blasting unidentifiable pop hits out of McGraw Tower at 8 am, and “Big Slope.”

Best Known as Ezra Cornell’s Fourth Cousin Five Times Removed, George H.W. Bush Dies at 94

HOUSTON, TX—This past Friday, one of the many relatives of the illustrious Ezra Cornell, George H.W. Bush, passed away at the age of 94.

In a schoolwide email earlier today, President Martha Pollack stated: “With the recent passing of George H.W. Bush, one of our founder’s most politically active cousins, it is an excellent time to reflect on how Ezra Cornell’s legacy continues to grow, and how his family line is fertile and strong. That line continues with the artist George W. Bush, Cornell’s 4th cousin 6 times removed, to whom we of the Cornell community extend our condolences in what must be a trying time.”

At a candlelight vigil on the Arts Quad, students from across the Cornell community gathered to mourn the loss of Ezra’s cousin, festooning Ezra’s statue with flowers and handwritten notes.

The vigil organizer, Caitlin Merrimack ‘20, said, “Ezra Cornell was such a great man, and it’s so sad to see one of his relatives with such a passion for politics pass away. I just, like, really hope this vigil comforts Ezra’s spirit.” Merrimack proceed to lead a tearful rendition of the Alma Mater in memory of Ezra Cornell’s  fourth cousin five times removed, George H.W. Bush.

Also in attendance was failed presidential candidate Jeb! Bush, whose on-campus lecture was cancelled in order to make time for the vigil.

Ezra Cornell Statue Found Dead in Arts Quad

ARTS QUAD—On Wednesday morning, September 26th, the statue of the university’s founder and namesake, Ezra Cornell, was found unconscious after a cardiac arrest. He was reported dead at 5:57am.

Mikaela Kolb ‘19 was the first to discover Ezra Cornell’s statue. “I was walking through the Arts Quad when I noticed a figure in the distance. Something just looked…off. He was completely motionless. I walked over to him, and quickly noticed he wasn’t breathing. I took his pulse and…nothing. He just felt cold.”

Grieving students and alumni are reminiscing about the statue’s kind hearted nature. “He never said no to a photo with a prospective student. He was soft spoken, but everyone felt his presence.”

To honor the legacy of the late Cornell statue, the board of trustees are planning the construction of a memorial at the place of death, which will consist of a statue of the statue of Ezra Cornell.

OP-ED: When I Said “Any Person, Any Study,” I Was Including People from Iraq, Iran, Syria, Sudan, Libya, Yemen, and Somalia

By Ezra Cornell

Hey everybody, it’s me Ezra. Look, I realize I’ve been dead for a while now, and it’s not really my place to comment on the events happening in 2017, but I wanted to briefly return to explain something about my motto for the university.

When I said “Any Person, Any Study,” I was obviously including people from Iraq, Iran, Syria, Sudan, Libya, Yemen, and Somalia. Everybody picked up on that, right? Because based on the stuff going on in this country right now, you could have had me fooled.

In 1865, I founded Cornell University as the first truly American university, a college that encompassed the values this great nation was first built on. And those values include providing opportunities for everybody, regardless of their gender, race, religion, or nationality. The United States was founded by immigrants whose cultures and ideas helped mold our country into one of the greatest nations on Earth, and Cornell University has been equally shaped by scholars near and far who came together to work side by side in Ithaca, New York. So long story short, Muslims are allowed and encouraged to come to Cornell as much as everybody else.

I think that seems reasonable, huh? I thought that was a pretty easy and simple concept that everybody could get on board with. But apparently this new president didn’t get the memo?

I am appalled that our government would approach this issue with such fear and hate as opposed to acceptance and love. Regardless of that, we as Cornellians must stick together and fight for the rights of people from these seven countries as if they were us, because if this terrifying trend continues then there will be nobody to fight for us once our rights are taken away. And for those Cornellians who are from these countries, stay strong- we are all in this together, and we have your backs.

Woof, this is exhausting coming back from the dead to do all this. But we’re good now? No more banning people from Iraq, Iran, Syria, Sudan, Libya, Yemen, and Somalia from coming to America or Cornell University. People of all of these nations will be welcomed to Cornell with open arms. Unless, of course, they have poor SAT scores. Then they might want to try applying to a few state schools just in case.