Financial Aid Gives All Students $3 and a PepsiCo Product as Apology for Thousands of Unoffered Aid Dollars

DAY HALL—Following the announcement of a federal lawsuit accusing Cornell of conspiring to withhold adequate financial aid, Cornell University has offered penance in the form of shelling out further to the university corporate sponsors.

“We know this looks bad, but we are committed to making things right,” said Director of Financial Aid Jenn Mackrel ‘84. “What these students don’t understand is that we do not have the budget to pay what we should have been paying this whole time. So, we have an alternative reward offer for all impacted students, which is generously supported by some gracious corporate benefactors. Even then, however, we can only offer about 300 cents and an extra perk. Unfortunately, we are all out of additional financial aid, is Pepsi okay?”

Cornell has been looking for ways to integrate sponsorship into student life. From making Bubly, the sad man’s LaCroix, available in most dining halls, to providing student credit internships union-busting for the confectionary giant, there has been an aggressive push to ensure students are as addicted to PepsiCo products as they are to stress. Unfortunately, this effort has not been without opposition from the student population.

“Three dollars and a Pepsi? Is that really all they’re offering?” asked dining hall worker Carl Hecker ‘21. “I’ve been filing financial forms for the majority of the past two years, and I find out Cornell has been offering me half of what I could’ve gotten because of prestige or something? I feel so incredibly disrespected. The very least they could’ve done is splurged for some Sprite or something.”

At press time, Cornell University is searching for additional options to potentially increase financial resources for students, including a “particularly intriguing” offer from RC Cola that would up the award by fifty cents and an extra can.

Shocking! Financial Aid Department Actually Just Three Cats Dressed Like Martha Pollack Swiping At A “Postpone Aid Award” Button All Day Long

DAY HALL—While meeting with advisors to discuss tuition payments, Lynn Talbot ‘24 was startled to discover that her financial aid, now nearly a month and a half overdue, would be postponed further due to the office being staffed by literal cats swiping at the “postpone aid award” button all day every day.

“I thought there would be actual people running the fin aid office,” Talbot confessed, “but I guess between Covid and budget cuts they just couldn’t afford it. Although I do think that if they were to hire any animals, you can’t get anyone more apathetic to your struggles than cats walking across computer keyboards and repeatedly sending out emails asking for my patience.”

The cats working at the financial aid’s office are named Cash, Payment, and Franklin. Each wears a different iconic Martha Pollack outfit, although Franklin often dresses like Ryan Lombardi instead.

“In fairness, the cats were kind of cute with their little pant suits and short brown wigs,” Talbot added. “Even the passive aggressive meow one of them let out when I asked if he could estimate when my award would be released was adorable.”

In a last-ditch effort to expedite the process, Talbot stole the “postpone aid award” button the office cats were so fond of, but they just moved on to ripping up printed copies of submitted W-2 forms instead.