Senior Football Players Throw Game to Give Classmates ‘Authentic Homecoming Experience’

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In a closed door meeting last Thursday prior to Cornell Football’s 8-14 homecoming loss to Georgetown, several of the team’s seniors hatched a plan to lose the game on purpose. 

“This is our last chance to play a homecoming football game in front of our classmates,” said Cornerback Erik Urbon ‘20, “It wouldn’t feel like a real Cornell homecoming unless we suffered a devastating loss in the most highly attended home game of the season.”

While some players initially expressed concern about the sportsmanship of throwing the game, the entire senior class was won over by a speech from Punter Mallex Washington ‘20, who convinced his teammates that this game was about more than the selfish desire to win. 

“Mallex reminded us that we play for the thousands of students who expect us to play Cornell Football out there every weekend. If that means we have to intentionally lose on homecoming, then so be it,” said Wide Receiver J.T. Flores ‘20, who dropped 4 passes on Sunday. 

When word of the seniors’ plot made its way to Head Coach David Archer he was irate. At today’s early morning team video session, he verbally reprimanded his senior class and placed all 11 players on indefinite suspensions. At press time, Archer was reportedly drafting an email to his players highlighting the Big Red’s .550 career winning percentage and “recent” 1939 National Championship season.


Photo Credit: Cornell Daily Sun (Borris Tsang)

Coach David Archer Brings Football Team to Chuck E. Cheese’s to Cheer Them Up After Tough Loss

CHUCK E. CHEESE’S—After their tough 66-0 loss against Princeton, Cornell football coach David Archer ‘05 decided to cheer up his bummed-out players by bringing them to the local Chuck E. Cheese’s.

“The poor kids are just beating themselves up about it. I told them Princeton was really good and that Harvard and Brown also lost to them, so that they don’t feel so alone,” said Archer, who has coached Big Red since it was suggested to him by some parents in 2013. “I tried to get them all even playing time, but they were still pretty demoralized at the end. A little trip to Chuck E. Cheese’s will get their fighting spirit back!”

Most players were excited to hit the arcade, while a few hung back to enjoy the soft serve and snacks. One sophomore, still teary after having dropped ten passes, had to get cheered up by the animatronic mouse himself before joining his friends at the foosball table.

As smiles returned to the tired players’ faces, the evening seemed to be a hit. “I love it here, especially the Rock’em Sock’em games—bang bang!” said linebacker Jack McDavis ‘20. “This way, they don’t hit back.”

Archer stated that his team was ready to hit the field and go back to practice, provided the university cover the entertainment center’s bill.

We Tried to Write A Superbowl Article, But Only Came Up with These Headlines


1. The Superbowl Was Fine, But What Was Up With That Lukewarm Guacamole, Sharon?
2. Justin Timberlake Fails To Bring Timber And/Or Lakes To His Performance
3. How About Those Superbowl Passes and Touchdowns and Whatnot?
4. Horny Students Disappointed Over the Lack of Janet Jackson Nipples
5. Hungry Babies Disappointed Over the Lack of Janet Jackson Nipples
6. The Eagles Won The Superbowl, But Your Uncle Is Still Racist
7. Student Pretends to Care About Superbowl After Great-Aunt Diagnosed With Cancer
8. Wait, So Tom Brady Is Not A Character on The Brady Bunch?
9. Superbowl? That Reminds Me, What’s Up With That Bowlcut Patrick?
10. Superbowl? More Like Soup Her Bowl!
11. Hey Amanda, How About Toss Some Pigskins In That Bland Ass Chili? Daddy Needs Meat.
12. Op-ED: I Fucked A Football
13. Do Footballs Taste Like Bacon? We Asked 4 Random Homeless People Downtown
14. Barbara Disqualified From SuperBowl Party Because Her Salsa Tested Positive For Okra
15. SuperBowl? More Like SuperBitch! Get Out Of My Room, Mom!
16. SuperBowl? More Like SuperCuts Did A Bang Up Job On My Little Brother, Crispin
17. Confirmed: Patriotism Dead in 2018
18. Justin Timberlake Is Just White Jamie Foxx, But Worse
19. Lucas’ Chode Mom Didn’t Warm Up The Totino’s
20. The Superbowl Was Nice, But Where Was Ben Stiller?
21. The SuperBowl Was Great, But Where Were Janet’s Titties Tho?
22. The Superbowl Was Super, But Where Was the Bowl?
23. Nooz In Pictures: Happy Eagles Fan Finally Has A Distraction From His Wildly Large Foreskin
24. While You Were Watching The SuperBowl, I Was Fucking Your Dad
25. Literally Suck My Dick, Tom Brady. No, Like Please, I Need This Tom

Report: 80% of Football Fans No Longer Committed to Weekly Google Search of Game Results

COLLEGETOWN — Following Cornell’s loss to Dartmouth, ending their streak as the top Ivy League football team, fans no longer feel committed to their weekly Google search to check the game results.

“I got a whole lot more involved in the football scene this semester than I have in past seasons,” said Amy Nodir ‘18, “but now that we’re no longer on top, I don’t feel the need to take twenty seconds to check the scores on my phone every Saturday.”

Other students agreed that, while it was exciting to experience a small surge of school spirit for the brief moments between typing “Cornell football score” into the search bar and hitting enter, the loss to Dartmouth has been a wakeup call to use that time for something more productive.

“It’s not like I’ll forget about the team completely,” said Davis Coleville ‘19. “Every time I start typing something into Google that starts with ‘Cornell’, I’ll see that recommended search, and I’ll think, ‘Maybe next year,’ before I continue to search for something more important.”

While students have lowered their commitment to football, many agree that they will keep participating in campus sports by occasionally eavesdropping on conversations regarding the hockey team.

Cornell Football in First Place after 3 TD, 4 CTE Win over Princeton

Photo from the Cornell Daily Sun

PRINCETON, N.J. – Cornell finds itself in first place in the Ivy League after scoring three touchdowns and four life-altering brain injuries to defeat their rival Princeton.

After nailing the game-winning field goal, kicker Ricky Fleming ’20 told reporters, “This team does whatever it takes to get the W, which includes sacrificing blood, sweat, tears, and living brain cells.”

With the game on the line, Cornell was able to overcome a twelve point fourth-quarter deficit through a flawless two-minute offense and perfect execution of the patented “dive headfirst into a hard object” play. The Red finished with 365 yards and four players who won’t be able to chew food by age 33.

Trudy Johnston, mother of wide receiver Travis Johnston ‘18, was ecstatic following the win. “My boy scored his first touchdown today! Yeah he ran into the field goal post and now can’t count to five, but no pain no gain, baby!”

Cornell looks to build on its success this week by putting in some extra hours in the film room and renting out a floor at Cayuga Medical.

Cornell Unwilling to Comment on Whether or Not Touchdown the Bear Has Sex

DAY HALL—Following last weekend’s Homecoming festivities, one topic has come to dominate the on-campus conversation. But after many requests for comment, Cornell appears to be unwilling to address the controversial question: Does Touchdown the Bear have sex?

“The administration’s refusal to clarify this essential issue is honestly quite troubling,” stated student representative Bryan Wiseman ‘18. “For an organization such as a university, transparency and clear communication is of the utmost importance and the lack of statement on whether or not Touchdown the Bear ‘fucks like the goddamn animal that he is’ is a red flag in regards to how the university should handle these kinds of situations.”

“I really have no idea why people are asking about this,” stated a spokesperson for the administration. “Touchdown the Bear is a just a mascot. That’s it. Why does it matter whether he has sex? All he’s supposed to do is inspire school spirit.” After further questioning about whether Touchdown the Bear actually has a dick and if he is a top or bottom, the spokesperson broke down and was not available for further questioning.

While the student body may never receive an official answer from the University, the Ithaca Furry Community (the lesser known IFC) has publicly stated that they would be happy to fill in the blanks with a variety of short-form fiction, fan drawings, and re-enactments on Ho Plaza.

Cornell Quarterback Takes Knee To Run Out Clock

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—With five seconds left in the first half of today’s game against Harvard, quarterback Logan Moore ‘19 showed solidarity with African American victims of police brutality by taking a knee on his own three-yard line.

“The entire stadium was silent. Of course, that’s pretty on par for a Cornell football game, but this time it felt different,” said Jake Lin ’20, one of the game’s attendees. “Today, our quarterback showed the world that he could not ignore discrimination, or the chance of a last-second turnover becoming an easy touchdown for Harvard.”

While many prominent NFL players have recently sought to bring attention to police violence by kneeling during the national anthem, before today no such protest had actually occurred during gameplay, or had been a strategic move to end the first half.

Fans saw the Big Red’s act of solidarity as a moral victory in spite of the loss, not realizing Cornell actually won the game.

Campus Loses Bet After Football Win

SCHOELLKOPF — With a nail-biting 27 to 13 win over Yale University, the Cornell campus lost a humongous bet of collectively over $6,000,000 at the Homecoming game this afternoon.

“I can’t believe I lost that much money,” said Daniel Nogroski ’18, who expected a 10:1 payout on Cornell losing and planned to spend his winnings on a new pair of shoes.

Hundreds of Cornell alumni came to campus for the Big Red’s first game in the Ivy League conference, with the intention of putting money on the Yale Bulldogs in hopes to make a surefire buck.

“I brought the kids out here for the big game, and sure we won, but now my wife insists I need to stop gambling,” said Trevor Liebman ’83.

At press time, Football Head Coach David Archer was seen slumped over in the locker room softly muttering the phrase “I’m ruined.”

Confused Stadium Unsure What To Do Upon Football Victory

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD — As the Big Red finally achieved their first victory of the season, hundreds of fans suddenly found themselves confused, without any intuition of how to act after Cornell defeated the Columbia Lions 3-0 on Saturday.

“‘Win?’ What does this word mean?” pondered Stacy Danforth ’19, who, upon the football team’s triumph, began violently convulsing with panic and bewilderment.

At the end of the fourth quarter, the disoriented football players reportedly gazed up at the scoreboard multiple times, furrowed their brows and looked to each other for guidance on how to handle the situation.

“I am not sure what I am currently feeling,” commented Wide Receiver Richard Mahoney, ’18, “There’s a rush of energy flowing through my head. Could this be the sensation of joy coach had told us about?”

Thirty minutes after the game ended, team convened in the locker room to figure out how to move on from their accomplishment and whether or not they should tell anyone about it.


Football Team Only Two Losses Away from Free Drink at Noyes

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD – With a humiliating final score against Dartmouth of 21-3 signifying their eighth loss of the season, the Cornell football team gleefully realized they were only two more losses away from filling out their Cornell Dining beverage punch card and receiving a free bubble tea from Jansens Market at the Noyes Community Center.

“This is super exciting!” said quarterback Jacob Lamstar ‘17, who has already decided he wants a mango-flavored refreshment with green tea and milk. “Seeing us so close to our goal of getting a complimentary drink is just a great demonstration of the team’s dedication and effort levels.”

David Archer, head coach of the Big Red, firmly believes that treating his talented athletes to a sugary-sweet smoothie is the best way to forget about the bitter, sorrowful taste of defeat.

Archer commented, “Since the vast administrative funds and various alumni donations that went to the team are being wasted, we thought taking advantage of the free drink deal would at least save the team some money.”

In unfortunate the event of the players winning one of the last two games of the season against Columbia or UPenn, the Cornell Men’s Hockey team has agreed to let them use their loss against Quinnipiac to fill out their tenth punch.