Freshman Can’t Wait to Tell Parents About New Friends She’ll Drop Before Thanksgiving

CLARA DICKSON HALL—After having met so many people since arriving at college, Michelle Taylor ‘22 is reportedly dying to return to her hometown this Fall Break and tell her parents all about the new college friends who won’t be a part of her life in two months’ time.

“I’m so excited to tell them about exploring AppleFest with Jacob and Matthew, and that time I stayed up with Katherine and Julia, just talking all night,” said Taylor, who will no longer be spending time with any of those people by the next time she returns home. Taylor also said she also can’t wait wait to show her parents how her new friends already have an active GroupMe, which after January will only be used by Jacob, trying to sell tickets to his a cappella concert.

“It’s amazing how fast we’ve bonded!” Taylor plans to tell her parents, who will be so naive as to ask her for updates on those same friends during Thanksgiving dinner.

While Taylor is expected to lose touch with all of her current friends before next semester, she will still run into the boy she hooked up with once with during o-week every fucking day for the next four years.

OP-ED: Hey! That’s My Freshman Roommate…I Think

See that girl over there? That’s my freshman roommate…I think.

Yeah. She was my roommate from freshman year in Mews. She had the key to all my personal belongings for an entire year, and I’m… I wanna say, like, 80% sure that’s her.

Okay, that might not be her. I’m really leaning toward thinking, yes, I do remember what her face looks like from only two years ago, but based on this, it kind of seems like… no.

Is she even at this school right now? Is she studying abroad? I’d know, right? I’ll look it up. Aren’t we Facebook friends? Why aren’t we Facebook friends? Did she unfriend me? That bitch. Let me check if we’re Facebook friends.

Okay, so I’m having a little trouble checking because, um, I don’t exactly remember her name.

Listen, we got dinner at RPCC twice a week for several months! I remember a lot about her! She definitely is in a club that has something to do with either health care or finance, for one. Hell, who am I kidding? It’s a wild guess.

Oh no. Oh shit. She’s walking over here, I can’t tell if it’s toward me or not. I’m just gonna wave and shout “Rebecca!” and hope God is real.


OP-ED: I Hate Freshmen, Except If They Want to Join My Club

I want to make one thing very clear—I cannot stand freshmen for a literal second. They’re brand new here, but as soon as those colored light strips go up in Jameson, they just strut around acting like they deserve the world.

Freshmen stop in the middle of the sidewalk because they have no idea what they’re doing, yet somehow have the balls to talk the most if they manage to get into one of my classes. I can’t wait for them to get their first D. How can they jump up and down at the discovery of free Willard Straight popcorn, but be so bafflingly oblivious when they’re handing out resumes at career fair? Get out of line, jackass, you don’t belong yet!

That is, unless you want to join my club.

Our president’s been hounding me to get the word out, so, to all freshmen: the Cornell Quantitative Biomedical Finance Society is holding our first info session this Thursday at 8PM! In case you’re literally dumb and live under a rock, CQBFS is the ABSOLUTE BEST and MOST EXCLUSIVE health finance club on campus. We are the ONLY club that can prepare you for a career in the quantitative biomedical finance industry.

I had an INTERNSHIP (you freshmen are probably unfamiliar with the concept) for a few weeks over winter break with ARLENE SIMMONS, the top Geico agent in all of the Scranton metro area. Can you children even comprehend this?

Now that I have all the knowledge I need, I’m planning to start working as like a VP or Director for an investment bank that specializes in the healthcare industry after I GRADUATE in May. Then, maybe after a year or two, I’ll start my own venture capital fund. That’s the power of CQBFS!

Anyways, we are a super fun and welcoming group as you’ll figure once you meet us! Literally can’t wait to meet you on Thursday! You all are going to be so awesome!

Forty-Two Uncomfortable Freshman Receive “The Talk” From Concerned RA

HIGH RISE 5—Squirming in their seats as they sat cross-legged on the couch, forty-two uncomfortable freshmen received the “birds and the bees” talk from concerned Resident Advisor Carlie Solotoff on Monday afternoon.

“You might notice some changes going on with your body, but just know that it’s totally normal,” Solotoff reassured the circle of uneasy new students as she rubbed their backs. “It’s all a part of growing up.”

Despite her young listeners’ attempts to change the subject, Solotoff continued her talk, emphasizing that everyone goes through these changes at their own pace, and no one should feel awkward if their roommate is further ahead in their bodily development.

The blossoming individuals started getting squeamish when Solotoff passed out copies of the picture book “What’s Happening to My Body?” to make sure her hallway is making safe, educated decisions as they mature and explore throughout their first year at college.

After briefly explaining the benefits of abstinence, the RA ended the meeting by pointing out to the freshmen that she keeps a basket of condoms outside her door, insisting that if they are going to have sex, it is better they do it there where it’s safe.

Martha Pollack Reads The Very Hungry Caterpillar to Students at Orientation

DAY HALL—To foster loving relationships with those on campus before the semester begins, President Martha Pollack has decided to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar to students at Orientation.

“Reading books with wholesome themes to our young ones encourages academic excellence and teaches mutual respect,” explained Pollack with a nurturing and patient smile. “Someday, they will become big beautiful butterflies, just like the very hungry caterpillar!”

Worried that her freshmen might squirm and become easily distracted during story time, the 14th President of Cornell University will focus on creating a safe interactive space for the students to express their feelings and relate to others in a healthy way. There will also be a puppet segment.

“You’ve made this a special day just by being yourselves,” said Pollack in her practice run, as she recited her closing lines in a soothing musical tone and bobbed her puppet’s head up and down. “I’ve had a wonderful time reading to you. Bye-bye!”

After wrapping up a successful rehearsal, the gentle friend to all selected her favorite hand-knitted cardigan sweater and sneakers to wear during the event, confident that her rendition of The Very Hungry Caterpillar will help any nervous new students feel ready for school.

Report: North Campus Has Not Gotten Smaller Despite Claims from Seniors

NORTH CAMPUS — Citing evidence compiled from a poll of 2,564 seniors who have revisited North Campus since their Freshman year, a report published Tuesday by the Cornell University Survey Research Institute claims that, despite common perception, North Campus has not shrunk in size over the past three years.

According to the study, nearly 97 percent of all seniors revisiting North Campus and its adjacent areas will claim that the edifices in which the freshmen inhabit have in fact downsized since the three years that they themselves resided there. The actual measurements of the structures, however, have remained constant.

“I used to absolutely dread walking up the hill to Balch Arch, and the stairs leading up to the CKB Quad were the absolute worst. I wish they had been this small back when I was a freshman,” reflected Ellen Ladley erroneously on the immutable measurements of landscape and buildings.

The dramatic change in perception is apparently not found in seniors revisiting West Campus, although after living on West students are likely to believe that the slope sank at least two inches over the course of one academic year.

Freshman Amazed by Wide Variety of Clubs that Will Spam His Email

JAMESON — After listening to his RA list off several prominent groups on campus that will organize tables at ClubFest this Sunday, freshman Geoff Kaplan expressed amazement at the incredible number of clubs that will spam his email for the next four years of his life.

“I would have expected only three or four clubs to actually take down my NetID and follow through with informational emails chock-full of all the events I’ll never go to,” said Kaplan, “But I could have never imagined just how expansive the list is of organizations that will absolutely inundate me with event notifications, meeting summaries, and money requests.”

Kaplan explained how he couldn’t wait to sign up for Big Red Raas and Model UN so he could aimlessly click through his email for three hours every day to mark all his email as read without actually reading them.

“And to think, every single one of these emails is going to contain an overwhelming amount of opportunities for me to pretend like I care about participating in the Cornell community,” Kaplan continued. “I can’t wait to feel so involved and wanted!”

Kaplan was later informed of Denice Cassaro’s email habits and almost shed a tear of joy, blissfully unaware of the stress that he and his inbox will soon face due to rainbow comic sans and clickable content.

Total Loser Eats Dinner at RPCC Alone

RPCC – According to reports trickling in from North Campus residents, total loser Nicholas Sarpinsky ‘20 was seen eating his dinner at RPCC all by himself again.

“I’m tired of these lonely social sadsacks taking our table all for themselves,” said Sam Losey ‘20, a member of the Donlon 4 hallway group, who regularly patronize the dining hall with all their cool friends.

Some speculate that the lone diner was simply earlier than the people he was sure to be dining with, however, when Sarpinsky bussed his plates and left the meal at 6:30, having been joined by nobody in the intervening minutes, it was clear that he was just an absolute friendless nerd.

“These forlorn kids don’t have the social grace to sit down and chat during mealtime,” continued Losey, “Too bad there’s nothing we popular kids can do about it.”

Sources report that total losers like Sarpinsky have recently taken to reading or studying while eating despite the strictly communal nature of mealtime.

Cornell Announces Worst Member of Class of 2020

DICKSON HALL — A month into fall semester, the Worst Student of the Class of 2020 has officially been announced as James Romm, selected from over over 3200 students of this year’s freshmen.

“We are pleased to reveal that, after locking himself out of his dorm room twice in one week, James Romm is now the worst freshman on campus,” stated Associate Dean of Students Arthur Metzger, who also congratulated Romm on his attempt to go to RPCC brunch on a weekday.

Floormates of Romm in his Dickson second floor hall have spoken out saying he is a fantastic choice for Worst Student after he burned microwave popcorn and set off the fire alarm on three separate occasions.

“He’s certainly a great candidate,” said hallmate Steven D’Angela ‘20, “He’s borrowed my shampoo practically every week. I don’t think he actually owns any.”

Romm reportedly missed his award completely after not having checked his Cornell email since arriving on campus.

Freshmen Waiting for School Bell To Go Off After Lecture

GOLDWIN-SMITH HALL —  At the end of their first class of the day, students in Professor Stuart Davis’ Freshman Writing Seminar waited an extra ten minutes past 11:00 for the school bell to ring and signal dismissal to go to next period’s class.

“Are they broken today?” asked Stuart Frye ’20, tapping his #2 pencil against his three-ring binder. “Someone should go on the PA system and let us know if the bells aren’t working. And while they’re at it, they should let us know what’s for lunch!”

During the short ten minutes spent in anticipation of the bell, the restless students discussed their schedules to see if any had the same homeroom.

“I thought Mr. Davis had to let us go. But he just walked out and left us all here by ourselves,” said Sadie Reeves ’20, “Isn’t this his classroom? Where is he going off to?”

The same group of freshmen was seen later that afternoon waiting for their moms to pick them up on East Avenue.