Total Loser Eats Dinner at RPCC Alone

RPCC – According to reports trickling in from North Campus residents, total loser Nicholas Sarpinsky ‘20 was seen eating his dinner at RPCC all by himself again.

“I’m tired of these lonely social sadsacks taking our table all for themselves,” said Sam Losey ‘20, a member of the Donlon 4 hallway group, who regularly patronize the dining hall with all their cool friends.

Some speculate that the lone diner was simply earlier than the people he was sure to be dining with, however, when Sarpinsky bussed his plates and left the meal at 6:30, having been joined by nobody in the intervening minutes, it was clear that he was just an absolute friendless nerd.

“These forlorn kids don’t have the social grace to sit down and chat during mealtime,” continued Losey, “Too bad there’s nothing we popular kids can do about it.”

Sources report that total losers like Sarpinsky have recently taken to reading or studying while eating despite the strictly communal nature of mealtime.

Cornell Announces Worst Member of Class of 2020

DICKSON HALL — A month into fall semester, the Worst Student of the Class of 2020 has officially been announced as James Romm, selected from over over 3200 students of this year’s freshmen.

“We are pleased to reveal that, after locking himself out of his dorm room twice in one week, James Romm is now the worst freshman on campus,” stated Associate Dean of Students Arthur Metzger, who also congratulated Romm on his attempt to go to RPCC brunch on a weekday.

Floormates of Romm in his Dickson second floor hall have spoken out saying he is a fantastic choice for Worst Student after he burned microwave popcorn and set off the fire alarm on three separate occasions.

“He’s certainly a great candidate,” said hallmate Steven D’Angela ‘20, “He’s borrowed my shampoo practically every week. I don’t think he actually owns any.”

Romm reportedly missed his award completely after not having checked his Cornell email since arriving on campus.

Freshmen Waiting for School Bell To Go Off After Lecture

GOLDWIN-SMITH HALL —  At the end of their first class of the day, students in Professor Stuart Davis’ Freshman Writing Seminar waited an extra ten minutes past 11:00 for the school bell to ring and signal dismissal to go to next period’s class.

“Are they broken today?” asked Stuart Frye ’20, tapping his #2 pencil against his three-ring binder. “Someone should go on the PA system and let us know if the bells aren’t working. And while they’re at it, they should let us know what’s for lunch!”

During the short ten minutes spent in anticipation of the bell, the restless students discussed their schedules to see if any had the same homeroom.

“I thought Mr. Davis had to let us go. But he just walked out and left us all here by ourselves,” said Sadie Reeves ’20, “Isn’t this his classroom? Where is he going off to?”

The same group of freshmen was seen later that afternoon waiting for their moms to pick them up on East Avenue.

Freshman Faking Allergies to Live in Mews Deemed ‘Bratty’ by Roommate Using Alumni Connections

NORTH CAMPUS — Legacy admit Ella Anderson ‘20 has accused her roommate Stephanie Park ‘20 of being a “brat” for making up her mold allergies to live in Mews Hall, the newest dorm on North Campus, instead of leveraging powerful alumni connections.

“Who would go so far as to petition the student housing office to live in an air conditioned dorm? To me, that’s really immature and elitist,” said Anderson, who was placed in the dorm as a result of her well-to-do family’s connections despite a lackluster high school career.

Anderson went on to state that she was placed in the dorm because she had written a personalized, persuasive note to her father’s old fraternity brother, Rick “Jackhammer” Moriarty, who is currently in charge of campus housing.

“I mean [Ella’s] just so frustrating,” said Park. “I got a doctor’s note from my parents, two very busy plastic surgeons, for a ‘mold allergy’ that I don’t have just to live in Mews, and I’m starting to think that I should have taken my chances in the lottery like everyone else. Even a forced triple in Low Rise 6 is starting to sound better than living with such a whiny, spoiled bitch.”

The two roommates hadn’t known one another before moving into their double in August, when neither Park nor Anderson would take out the trash or clean their communal space, as neither roommate had ever gone more than a week without a housekeeper to do it for them.

At presstime, Anderson’s mother was overheard on the phone with Gretchen Ritter complaining that her daughter’s placement in Chem 2070 was not inappropriate given her 4 on the Chemistry AP, while Park’s parents were drafting a letter to interim President Rawlings requesting a new TCAT route that better fits their daughter’s class schedule.

Freshman Ready for Adult Responsibilities Just Months After Asking Permission to Use Bathroom

MEWS HALL – After arriving on campus and bidding tear-filled goodbyes to her parents, incoming Cornell freshman Danielle Fischer ‘20 allegedly considered herself ready to take on major responsibilities, just a few months after needing to ask her high school Spanish teacher for permission to use the bathroom.

“Now that I’m officially a college student, I’m ready to tackle all of the obligations that come with adulthood,” said the naïve eighteen-year-old, who still doesn’t know how to boil water or do her laundry.

“Finally, no parents to tell me to do my homework or clean my room. I can handle it all on my own now, along with all of the other responsibilities that I’ll have as a college student. I’m so excited to be all grown up now!”

Later that evening Fischer was seen asking her RA if she was allowed to leave the dorm for the evening, promising that she would be back by 11 and would finish her essay before tomorrow.

Freshman From Montana Excited To Be Forever Known as Person From Montana

MEWS HALL – Upon telling her new floormates that she was originally from Bozeman, Montana, freshman Diane Hollis ’20 is reportedly excited to be referred to as “that person from Montana” for the remainder of her collegiate career.

“Hey, you must be that girl from Montana, right? Oh cool,” said a fellow Mews resident from much more normal Michigan, leaving Hollis to wonder if she was giving off some sort of Montana vibe or if word of such a strange US resident had already made its way around the entire floor so quickly.

“What’s your name again? Ah never mind, I’ll just remember you as Montana Girl or maybe Hannah Montana or something clever and annoying like that. Can’t wait to see you around more!”

Later that evening, attention shifted away from Hollis for a bit when everyone on the floor discovered that her roommate was from the same hometown where Mister Rogers was born.

Great, Mom Already Crying

NORTH CAMPUS – Upon parking the family’s light blue Town & Country near Mews Hall, the mother of incoming freshman Tricia Duvan ’20 was reportedly, great, already crying over the idea of leaving her only daughter in this new and strange college environment without her mother by her side.

“Oh, my sweet, sweet daughter! Just yesterday you were my little baby girl, and now you’re starting college. I can’t believe you’re leaving me!” said the choked-up mother through her tears, oblivious to her daughter’s increasingly stern stares, I mean c’mon Mom, and the rapidly increasing volume of her whimpers, please Mom this is awkward.

“I know that we still have to move you in, get dinner, and aren’t leaving until tomorrow, but if you think your mother isn’t going to cry for the next 18 hours then you must not be my Trish-trish.”

Mrs. Duvan was later seen fully bawling throughout dinner at Viva Taqueria, which was the most embarrassing thing ever, and both Mr. Duvan and Tricia have expressed fears over what more could possibly happen tomorrow once the family actually goes home.

Newly Hatched Freshmen Imprint on First Upperclassman They See

Upon pecking through their shells and scanning the campus around them, twelve newly hatched freshmen imprinted on the first Cornellian they saw, junior Ellen Hayes, convincing themselves that she was their mother.

“I’m too young for this responsibility,” Hayes said. “When they followed me into lecture, they all just stood there, staring at me, expecting me to preen them and feed them algae. I guess they just haven’t developed thoughts of their own yet.”

The twelve students, then in a critical period of their behavioral development, were still working on staying upright while walking and not running into each other, but they maintained a straight, single file line waddling behind Hayes wherever she went.

“One time, I turned around there were only five little freshlings behind me,” said Hayes. “At first I was relieved, but then I started to worry. They could have been trampled or roasted a l’orange!”

Concerned that they might not be able to return to the wild and socialize with their own kind, Hayes confirmed that she would keep her nestlings swaddled in a blanket-padded cardboard box in her room.

Report: 10:10 Lecture Fills Up Too Quickly and Oh Boo Hoo You Sad Fucks

STUDENT CENTER — Thousands of members of the class of 2020 attempted to enroll in the 10:10 lecture of Introductory Macroeconomics this morning, however they found it filled up too quickly and oh boo hoo you sad fucks, you didn’t get a class you wanted.

“Now that I’ve been locked out of one class for next semester, I’ll have to wait until add/drop or more slots open up” said Thaddeus Karels ’20, devastated that his little fingers couldn’t click fast enough to register for his course. Well, tough tiddles for you, you myopic shithead, what are you going to do about it now?

Despite the knowledge that they have a very high chance of getting all their favorite classes once the semester starts, and in the seven semesters ahead of them, hundreds of incoming freshmen have elected to complain about it anyways like a bunch of puerile dickwads.

“Student Center froze on me, and now I have to take another course from the wide selection of intellectually stimulating classes that this world renown university offers,” said insufferable asshat Gordon Johnston ’20.

Sources report that in addition to yammering on about pre-enroll, this year’s freshman class is busying themselves worrying about living in the low rises and making sure every little tiny detail about their first year of school is absolutely perfect. Jesus fucking Christ, you spoiled swines.

Campus Adds New Dimension to Accommodate Class of 2020

NORTH CAMPUS — Amidst growing concerns of insufficient student housing, Cornell has announced that a new spatial dimension will be constructed on North Campus to accommodate the incoming class of 2020.

“We used to have to force triples and quads in some of the high rises, but recent advances in technology mean that we can fit more and more students in between the fabric of spacetime for the 2016-2017 academic year,” said Cornell Director of Student Life Samantha Faust, who says a portal to the new dimension should open over the coming summer on Rawlings Green.

“Finally, a practical solution to undergraduate housing at Cornell,” said Julius Coffin ’19, who pointed out that there could be potentially infinite housing options using this groundbreaking physical phenomenon.

Though the new dimension sounds like a good plan in theory, there is some concern among physicists that the commute to class from North each day will take exponentially longer due to the impossibility of navigating between universes.