TEAGLE HALL — After failing to swim the requisite 75 yards, Elizabeth Garrett was disappointed to announce she had not passed the water safety competency test enforced by the University. She will now need to enroll in PE 1100 – Beginning Swimming and pass the course before the end of her tenure, in order to…
COURT HALL — After having left his own clock tower back home, Samuel Reese ’19 breathed a sigh of relief today after discovering that the University was fully prepared to provide their own for him to use. Reese often used a personal clock tower throughout high school in Springfield, Illinois, but decided that his old…
Fall semester is starting soon! Here’s what you can expect coming to college for the very first day: You will meet a lot of happy, well-adjusted people, but don’t worry! Over time you will learn to see through the ruse. Moving into your dorm will be a struggle, so give up and move back home….
LOW RISE 7 – Following weeks of talking online and getting acquainted with one another, Taylor O’Connell ’19 expressed her excitement today as she prepared to see her new architect roommate in person for the last time. “I can’t wait for Chelsea [Kapp ‘19] to get here so that I can finally talk to her…
NEW ROCHELLE — With the new school year only weeks away, reports indicate that hundreds of incoming Cornell freshmen have still not read their summer reading assignment, “Slaughterhouse Five,” and have begun desperately searching online for the movie version of the novel instead. “I want to be on top of my academics this upcoming school…
NORTH CAMPUS — Eager to begin her tenure as Cornell’s 13th president, Elizabeth Garrett finally moved into her single in Balch Hall this past week. “It’s such a nice room” said Garrett as she tacked up photos of her family’s dog on her cork board. “I have my own sink and a great view of…
ROCHESTER – Derrick Crowley, Class of 2019, is currently attempting to figure out the best way to tell his fellow freshman of that one night of underage drinking during his final year of high school. Crowley believes that his crazy and meticulously practiced story will gain him social credibility and immediately garner friends during O-Week….
RPCC- Senior Jessica Parker got together with her friends from her former Low Rise 6 unit for dinner at Robert Purcell Community Center this past weekend after no longer being able to tolerate her other friends. “It’s great to see these guys. It’s been way too long,” described the nostalgic civil engineer, who over time…
After months of anticipation, the University finally announced decisions for the undergraduate Class of 2019. Here are the official admissions statistics of those lucky 15% that were accepted: 1st – 21st generation college student: 100% Admissions Department Favorite Student: Jared Middle 50% of admitted students scored between 90 and 95 Of Football recruits, those who…
GANNETT—Cornell Health Services has been overwhelmed by a sudden outbreak of the X Disease. Over the past week, a steady increase of students, particularly those involved in the Greek system, have been affected by this contagious wave of hand-rashes. The common name for this disease derives from the defining shape of the rash, yet the…
