Little Big Littler Than Big Little

ZETA IOTA TAU SORORITY — Sorority Big Joan Kleinberg ’17 realized today that her Little is much bigger than she is. The Little, Emma Yang ’18, is considerably bigger than her Big, mainly owing to the fact that her Big is quite little.

“It just occurred to me that she’s gigantic!” exclaimed the small Big, who stands 4’ 10” in comparison to the Little (6’ 1”). “She isn’t, like, ‘big’ at all, but my Little is just a giant!”

The petite Big was paired with Yang at their sorority’s Big/Little week. Kleinberg had expressed interest in having a smaller little, such as teeny-tiny Isabel Rivlin ’18. But, due to Yang’s big personality, Kleinberg decided that, though she is much taller, Yang was a tremendous choice.

Yang, likewise, is not embarrassed by her Big’s diminutive stature, calling Kleinberg “amazing, and she’s so cute! Sometimes she can be a bit infantile, but I love my bite-sized sister!”

The two girls are now best friends, epitomizing the sorority value that size does not matter.

IknowagirlJanet Whosthebestlittleontheplanet Reported Missing

NORTH CAMPUS – A somber mood has struck the Cornell campus today as student IknowagirlJanet Whosthebestlittleontheplanet has been reported as missing.

Local authorities have been asking members of the surrounding community if they’ve seen Ms. Whosthebestlittleontheplanet, who was last seen on Facebook two days ago but has never been seen in person. Based on her most recent Facebook profile picture, she is being described as a brunette, white female whose head has been photoshopped onto Beyonce’s body.

Other pictures indicate that she might be dressed as Miley Cyrus riding on a wrecking ball, or potentially the entire cast of Friends with her face on each of the bodies of the six main characters.

If anybody has any relevant information, they are urged to contact her friends Theresnogirly BetterthanmylittleShirley and Mylittleisallthat AndhernameisPat.

Freshman Upset with NetID ‘kkk666’

DONLON – Kyle Kirkland (Engineering ‘16) has decided to air his grievances with the University after he was assigned the NetID “kkk666.”

Kirkland explained, “My middle name is Kevin because my parents like alliteration. I’m not a racist. Also, I don’t worship Satan. Honestly, I’m not really sure what having the ID ‘kkk666’ makes me seem like I support, but it can’t be good.”

“We don’t tend to change NetID’s after they’re in our system,” explained one University official. “Besides, there’s a kid with the NetID ‘std69’ and another with ‘pms420,’ and you don’t hear them complaining.”

Cornell IT has since confirmed that the NetID will remain unchanged. However one member of the department’s NetID design team has announced his resignation.

Freshmen Definitely Enjoyed Staying on Campus for Thanksgiving

MARY DONLON HALL—While the vast majority of students visited home over Thanksgiving Break, reports confirm that Brian O’Connor (ILR ’18) had a great time staying in his quiet, lonely dorm the past five days.

“It probably would’ve been really really nice spend time with my parents, or my dog, or my girlfriend of three years. But, I thought it was fun schlepping down to West Campus to spend 14 bucks on dry turkey and what may or may not have been stuffing,” shared O’Connor, who has reportedly eaten thirteen of his last fifteen meals alone.

Connor continued, “I saw on Facebook that a lot of my closest friends had gotten together over the break, which was just…awesome. That’s what’s so cool about the digital age! Video-chatting with my mom is basically the same as giving her a hug…right?”

O’Connor was later observed asking his girlfriend to snuggle with him through FaceTime.

Freshman Puts Up Hard-Partying Facade for Parents’ Weekend

BAUER — Sources are indicating that Jacob Lifflander ’18 spent a considerable amount of time and money this weekend convincing his parents that he has been drinking and partying often while away at college.

“I don’t want them to think their tuition money is going to waste,” explained the studious biology major while removing his latest A+ FWS paper from his bulletin board in preparation for the weekend.

“I want them to see that I’m taking full advantage of all the opportunities here to drink underage nearly every day of the week and learn a totally misconstrued sense of responsibility.”

Instead of its usual periodic table and Pokemon poster, Bauer 1114-1 is now sporting a décor of empty beer cans and a trash bag full of red solo cups leftover from Lifflander carefully placing them there before his 10:30 bedtime on Saturday. Additionally, Lifflander meticulously dispersed slightly scratched ping pong balls around various spots in his room after hearing a rumor that they are often found at social events.

The freshman’s RA has also been prepped for the arrival of Mr. and Mrs. Lifflander and is now ready to answer all questions regarding their son’s social life with, “I’ve already JA’d him twice.”

Future Addict Going to Smoke Some Weed ‘Just This Once’

MEWS– Freshman Geoffrey Dorman is excited to take part in many college social activities but is reported to have said that he will try pot “just this once.”

“I’m not going to make it a habit,” said Dorman of the drug he will eventually smoke twice daily and spend hundreds of dollars a week on. “It’s more of a one time thing, really. I like to think of myself as a social smoker,” Dorman stated as he googled the address of the nearest glass shop, credit card in hand.

“I’m a plant science major and I know there are many stereotypes associated with us,” stated the freshman as he tucked his dreadlocks into a rastacap. “But I came here to learn, and I won’t let anything stand in the way of expanding my consciousness.”

According to our sources, Dorman is already looking into living in a co-op next year and working at the plantations.

Both Roommates Waiting for Right Time to Put Up Katy Perry Poster

DICKSON HALL- Even after being at school for over a month, sources state that roommates Jesse Turner and Dean Mathers and both still waiting for the right time to put up their respective Katy Perry posters.

“I love Katy Perry, that’s for sure. I just don’t want anyone to know,” professed Mathers, who keeps all his Katy Perry music nested within several folders on his computer labeled “Secret,” “Confidential,” and “Seriously Don’t Open This Folder.”

“The last thing I want is to be judged for having an opinion that not everyone else shares. I will listen to whatever music you want me to.”

Dean’s roommate reacted similarly when confronted about his fanhood.

“Katy Perry? What? No! I don’t listen to Katy Perry! That’s ridiculous!” claimed Turner. “She only has like four or five good songs. Yeah, like I’ve heard them but I don’t listen to them ever. I bought all of her albums as a joke! Ever heard of a joke before?”

Upon entering their room, both Turner and Mathers could be seen closing iTunes and slamming their laptops shut while trying to act casual.

Freshman Scours Clubfest for Interesting Potential Resume Builders

BARTON HALL — After two weeks of not really feeling comfortable at his new college, freshman Owen Childress was reportedly excited to go to this weekend’s Clubfest to search around for new and interesting clubs that could look good on a future resume.

“Wow, I’ve never considered Japanese drumming before. But will my eventual employer see that as a strong use of my time as an undergraduate?” questioned Childress, who ended up writing down his email address on the monthly mailing list anyway.

“Cool, I didn’t know Cornell had a radio club! Too bad none of the Fortune 500 companies look for collegiate radio work as strong indicators for success in the professional workplace.”

Reports later indicated that students who weren’t as concerned with their careers were having a lot more fun in college than those other stuck-up students. Even later reports indicated, however, that the stuck up ones will probably make much more money.


OP-ED: Welcome to Cornell! I’m the Sheriff ‘Round These Parts

By Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner

Howdy partner! I didn’t see you wander into town. Nice day for it though…mighty nice day. Whelp, since you’re new here I figured I’d introduce myself and let you know that I’m the sheriff ‘round these parts.

No cause for alarm, stranger!  If you don’t start any trouble we won’t have a problem, and if you do….well, let’s just say you wouldn’t be the first outlaw who thought  they could waltz on into the gorges, or get drunk off whiskey in the dorms. They always think they can beat me.

They always get JA’d.

Woah, easy there, amigo!  You best keep your fingers off that holster. I don’t mean you no harm, long as you play by the rules and keep in line with the law…the laws in my town are simple enough.

First, like I said before, stay out of the gorges. That’s for your own safety. I don’t rightly know what goes on down there, but some folks say they’re cursed. Sounds like a load of hogwash to me. All I know is when folks go in there, they don’t come out, and if I have to send good men in after you….you’re gonna  get JA’d.

Second, don’t go carrying around open bottles of booze.  I don’t want drunks wandering around making a mess of my town, and if I catch you….you’ll get JA’d faster than a jackrabbit on the Fourth of July.

Lastly, don’t be crossing the street where you don’t belong.  Things get nasty real fast if folks don’t pay attention to the signs, and if you’re even thinking of jaywalking…You better believe you’ll get JA’d.

And if you think you’re some kind of track star, try and run away from me? Oh, you bet your best boots you’re gonna get JA’d.

That just about sums it up, friend-o. I think I’ve made myself pretty clear. You’re free to go about your way, but just remember…I’ll be watching you. And no chalking around the ol’ Saloon.

Male Freshmen Already Figuring Out Masturbation Schedules

DONLON- As classes have started for students, reports indicate that all male freshmen are currently trying to figure out their masturbation schedules.

“I know Peter has a lab every Monday night, so that might be a good time, though there may be other people on the floor at that time,” said Daniel Winters ’18 while consulting several Excel spreadsheets.

Winters has been trying to gather hints about his roommate’s academic schedule to find the perfect time to watch his vast collection of pornographic films.

“On Wednesday, his first class is 9:05, and my first class is 10:10, so maybe that’ll work. But what if he forgets something and needs to return to the room?” pondered Winters, along with the hundreds of other male freshmen dealing with similar situations.

Reports went on to indicate that guys are still clueless on what girls do about these kinds of things.