Fuck! Libe Slope Still There

WEST CAMPUS—Students on West Campus awoke this morning to a startling and deeply disturbing sight: Libe Slope.

“I really thought it would’ve eroded by now,” said Earth Sciences junior Thomas Fieldston. “I mean, you’ve got students marching on it all day, crazy unpredictable weather, and Goldwin Smith, which has gotta weigh a ton.”

Students are so disappointed by the slope’s continued existence that they are willing to take its removal into their own hands.

“My daddy owns a few construction companies, so I’ve asked the administration if he can bulldoze the Slope,” commented Dyson sophomore Natalie Mason. “Either that or they let him build a ski lift. My quads are getting too big from hiking to class.” When asked why she didn’t consider alternative travel methods such as the TCAT or a car, Mason described the bus as “embarrassing” and said she “would totally drive” but is “from Manhattan so [she doesn’t] have a license.”

While most students approved of Mason’s proposal, a few outliers opposed any change to Libe’s incredible size.

“It’s inspirational for me, you know?” said Hotelie sophomore Jared Smalls. “To see it every morning, standing so large and robust against the unending barrage.” He wiped a single tear from his cheek before continuing: “It’s just lasted so long.”

OP-ED: Looks Like the Anti-Semitic Club Is Off to a Rocky Fucking Start

Photo from the Cornell Daily Sun

DUFFIELD HALL— Clearly knowing jack shit about its audience, the Solar Cross Society just advertised anti-semitism to a campus full of Jews. Way to start recruitment on the worst fucking foot!

In a student body that’s 59.3% non-white and 21% Jewish, who do these idiotic dumbass half-wits think they can attract? Last time I checked, people who commit hate crimes are walking asswipes.

These bumblefucks seem to have plagiarized their shitpouch slogan “Just Say No,” already used by the War on Drugs and programs preaching abstinence. What a bitch-ass rookie mistake.

Also, how the fuck are people supposed to apply for the White Gang without some son-of-a-bitch’s netID to contact? Good luck with that listserv, you amateur douchecanoes!

So, you little pricks, you’ve got a lot to learn, starting with the fact that no one’s joining your stupid fucking bigot’s club. But hey, here’s something for your trouble: a whole campus of angry motherfuckers ready to cut your uncircumcised dicks.