WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After the Convocation Committee’s exhaustive search to find a speaker resulted in a last-minute cancellation by Hassan Minhaj, the committee has unilaterally decided to give up and just throw on an old episode of “Bill Nye The Science Guy” to play at Convocation. “Kids love the show’s zany experiments and humorous sketches, and…
If you scroll down all the way down the Twitter comments where Roxane Gay wrote, “I’ll hook you up” on the Daily Sun article, addressing Cornell’s lack of a convocation speaker, you’ll find one more comment—from yours truly—that says, “I’ll hook you up, too.” Hi. It’s me, Frank. I’m a sophomore English major from Kentucky,…
ITHACA, N.Y.—Following the announcement that this year’s convocation speaker will be esteemed filmmaker Ava DuVernay, students gave a collective thumbs-up after looking up her name to find out who she is. “Woah, turns out this Ava DuVernay is a gifted storyteller giving people of color important representation in the film industry,” said Mike Gibbs ’18,…
LIBE SLOPE—Now free to lie down in the grass watching the sunset after an hour of playing frisbee with friends, graduating senior Adam Schumacher ‘17 finally has time to enjoy his undergraduate years at Cornell. “I’d been completely bogged down with homework, clubs and tests since I was a freshman, but after finishing my last…
HO PLAZA— After saying an emotional final goodbye to her graduating friend two days ago, Mindy Randall ’18 was reportedly caught off guard this morning when she locked eyes with the girl she thought she’d never see again on Ho Plaza. “I couldn’t decide whether to say hi, or goodbye again, or just squint and…
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Feeling lonely and forgotten after learning that former Vice President Joe Biden was chosen as this year’s convocation speaker, former Vice President Dick Cheney sighed quietly to himself, “I guess maybe next year.” “Every graduation cycle, I get my hopes up that Cornell will pick an old conservative like me for commencement. I’m sure…
After weeks of rumors and speculation over who would give the Cornell convocation address at this year’s graduation, the 2017 Convocation Committee announced today that former Vice President of the United States Joe Biden would be the selected speaker, to which Mr. Biden responded by immediately shotgunning a beer. “Cornell Convocation 2017! Get ready to…
CALDWELL HALL—Following the announcement that yesterday’s graduate students’ union vote was inconclusive, allegedly due to dozens of unresolved ballots, Senior Vice Provost and Dean of the Graduate School Barbara Knuth was reportedly seen today stuffing hundreds of confirmed “yes” ballots into her pockets. “Let’s see those grad students try to unionize now!” murmured Knuth, cracking…
COLLEGETOWN — Citing the steady stream of misfortunes that have befallen him in his first three years at Cornell, Senior Larry Alexander estimates that he will probably have at least 30-40 good fuckups before graduating in May. “If the past three years have served as any indicator, I’m pretty sure I’ll have screwed myself over…
COLLEGETOWN – Following graduation and the departure of the majority of students from the Cornell campus, residents at 531 East State Street have been seen idly walking around their incredibly disgusting house, curious as to which person would be the first to start cleaning. “Our lease ends this weekend, and the house is pretty gross,…
