Burden of One Thousand Stones: Class Project Group Includes Athletes

GATES HALL—Group projects are crucial educational tools for building skills of collaboration, critical thinking, and problem-solving for students across the classroom. But for Jamie Hanizo ‘25, this communalistic fantasy quickly became a nightmare. As he wandered into his 10:10 AM Information Science discussion at 10:09 AM, Hanizo was greeted with a horrifying sight: the student’s assigned project team included individuals listed on the Cornell Baseball roster. 

“Honestly, I was pretty excited to learn about information and, like, science or whatever,” remarked Hanizo, “but as soon as I saw two red backpacks, I broke into a cold sweat.”

Classmates reported Hanizo looking visibly frightened as he came to terms with the fact that absolutely nothing productive would be accomplished during the class period. “I felt like I was watching a puppy being sentenced to death by a jury of other puppies,” recalls classmate Shania Hernandez ‘26. “I heard him ask for their contact information, and they just made an Instagram group chat. That’s never a good sign.”

Hanizo claims that he completed the entire project in the basement of Olin library. His classmates’ contribution: editing the cover slide to place their own names in front of Hanizo’s. 

When asked for comment, Cornell Baseball coach Troy McHaven took accountability for Hanizo’s horror, stating, “I honestly thought Information Science was one of those made-up athlete classes.”

Atlas Angry at Classmates for Piggybacking on World-Lifting Group Project

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — As the semester comes to an end and classes across the campus dive into their final group projects, the Greek Titan Atlas is becoming frequently frustrated with his classmates for not holding up their end of the assignment.

“It feels like I’m holding the entire world on my shoulders,” Atlas complained as he struggled to keep the 7,917.5-mile-wide mass above him. “Prometheus is too busy giving fire to the humans to help out, and Epimetheus wasted all his time awarding positive traits to the animals. Those aren’t even on the rubric.”

Atlas’ professor Cronus assigned the project a few millennia ago in his Classics lecture. Holding the world aloft is a common assignment given the department’s difficult coursework, but the deadline is coming up quickly and none of Atlas’ group-mates have filled out the Doodle Poll yet.

“All I need is a hand or two to bear some of the weight,” Atlas shrugged, “but Menoetius apparently got sick and can’t make it here from Tartarus. Another day all by myself.”

Sources confirmed that no one has responded to Atlas’ messages because they’re all mingling at the Temple of Zeus.