“Silly Drink Paint Thursdays” Revealed To Be Hazing All Along

UNIVERSITY AVE—Aspiring brothers of Beta Sigma fraternity were shocked to find out that their favorite weekly pledge event “Silly Drink Paint Thursday” was actually hazing.

Beta Sigma was one of many fraternities placed under suspension by the University amidst a crackdown on hazing. Brothers and pledges alike were caught off guard by the punishment, unsure why forceful consumption of poisonous materials could be considered immoral.

“My Big drank paint. My Grandbig drank paint, as did his Big before him! Who am I to break tradition?” lamented the frat’s Risk Chair, Jack Rampert ’24. “Everybody is talking about us like we’re an evil group pressuring 18 and 19-year-old boys to do harmful things to themselves in the name of brotherhood. That’s not us. If they don’t want to drink paint, they don’t have to. We also have primer.”

The hazing practice was discovered by horrified outsiders when swarms of freshmen boys were returning to their dorms late on Thursdays with a ring of red, white, and blue paint around their mouths. During the event, pledges are split into Color War-like factions. They are blindfolded, given a cup of paint to taste, and must guess the correct RGB values of the color. 

Members of the fraternity have bravely indicated that hazing bonds them as a family in a “dope-ass way.” Participants of the event were brought to the hospital to be seen by medical professionals. When asked about her views on this new hazing exercise, Dr. Marcia Goldenbaum said, “they’re drinking paint? Of course they are.”

Mock Trial Team Excited by Prospect of Real Lawsuit

DAY HALL — Following recent hazing allegations, members of Cornell Mock Trial are eagerly anticipating the potential for legal action.

“We practice our courtroom skills for competitions all year, but we never get to do any real lawyer stuff,” said club President Michael Saks ‘20. “If we get the chance to face an actual lawsuit, we can finally put all those hours of memorizing scripted, over-dramatized courtroom nonsense to work. Those ‘professionally certified’ lawyers won’t know what him ‘em”

In preparation for a potential showdown, members of the team have been getting their stories straight, writing official statements, and taking turns cross-examining each other. “We’re not like those other, non pre-law, idiots who use controversial new member initiation practices; we actually know our legal rights,” said team Treasurer Anelie Won ‘21.

In response to the original allegations of misconduct, the team has reportedly decided to re-evaluate its hazardous initiation policies. The dangerous substance-fueled “Gauntlet” and anxiety-inducing 1000 piece puzzle will soon be replaced with more acceptable new member activities, such as hours of lengthy case-study presentations and a bombardment of mandatory coffee chats.

Proactive Fraternity Kicks Off Dirty Hazing

WEST CAMPUS—After concluding its dirty rush process, campus fraternity Kappa Mu Psi has begun forcing new members to undergo its dirty hazing process.

“Now that the freshmen have gotten a chance to see the house and meet the brothers, it’s a perfect time to start physically and mentally abusing them so they feel more connected as a people-who-may-rush class,” said KMP President Jack Swarthson ‘19. “We already have eight freshmen handcuffed to the pledge couch right now, so it’s off to a great start.”

The dirty hazing process has gotten rave reviews from the freshmen involved, who say they appreciate being able to spend all night outside in their underwear now rather than mid-February.

To ensure the dirty hazing events will get a good showing, Kappa Mu Psi brothers have been inviting freshmen to the winter buffet of paddles and gallons of different alcohols. “The school should by no means consider this an official hazing event,” clarified Swarthson. “It’s open to the public, so anyone could get hazed if they wanted—it just happens that everyone here is a brother or potential pledge.”  

Fall Rush Mandates 5 Hours Cuddling Per 1 Hour Hazing

COLLEGETOWN—In the wake of hazing scandals and the rise of fall rush, the University Interfraternity and Panhellenic Councils have mandated fraternities and sororities provide 5 hours of cuddle time for each hour of hazing.

“We recognize that we have failed at preventing hazing altogether,” admitted Emma Klipton, a chair of the judicial board. “This step will hopefully push those crazy kids into friendlier and, ultimately, more fuzzy interactions instead.”

Chi Chi Chi has announced that yes, of course their hazing ritual will still include slamming pledges’ balls in textbooks, eating six jars of mayonnaise through a beer bong, and suffering through a whole semester’s worth of math lectures, but that’s only one-fifth of the time they get to spend in the sweet, loving arms of their new brothers. Now, that’s some good math.

“I’ve found that spending a good few hours platonically spooned and supported by my future brothers really makes the condensed hour of torture bearable,” said Scott Broderick ‘21, prospective fraternity member, nestled in the arms of his potential big, Nick “The Gator” Staer ‘20.

An added benefit of the 5-to-1 sweetness-to-possible-death ratio is that even during the hazing hour, pledges will be able to regain their strength with the horror basements’ stockpiles of milk, cookies, and soft blankets.

New Greek Life Rules Say Hazing Can Only Occur in Annexes

DAY HALL—The Cornell administration released sweeping new restrictions on Greek life featuring a rule that bans hazing inside of residential chapter houses, but would probably let that stuff slide in annexes.

“I understand that there is a deep and storied history of new member education in Greek houses, but this rule is an important step towards keeping hazing more on the down low,” President Martha Pollack said in an email to the Ithaca campus community. “I look forward to a future where no Cornell student has to undergo hazing outside of small houses in Collegetown.”

The new rules are intended to keep residential chapter houses respectful and quiet places for new members to bond with brothers that will haze them as soon as they walk out of the house.

Greek organizations caught off guard by the new rule are already rushing to update their hazing plans. “I have no idea how we’ll be able to properly abuse pledges with such a short notice,” said Pi Lambda Phi President Kyler Jackson ‘19. “We just finished renovations on our house’s pledge dungeon.”

“Sure we’ll have to drive some cages and shit from North,” said Alpha Tau Omega brother Griffith Harrison ‘20, “but I can’t even imagine how much it’s gonna suck for next year’s freshmen when they have to to walk back all the way from Collegetown half-naked every night for three months.”

Pollack expects that this change will fix everything by 2021.

Progressive Frat Only Hazes White Boys

ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA—In response to hate crimes committed by members of fraternities last semester, progressive frat Alpha Sigma Sigma has taken steps to ensure that during their pledging process, the only ones being hazed are white boys.

“We plan to deprive these pledges of their right to fair and equal education and while we’re at it, we’re going to strip away all their other civil liberties and freedoms too,” said Tommy Burns, Pledgemaster.

Cornell IFC has a strict Anti-Hazing Policy, but members of Alpha Sigma Sigma have agreed that it’s still okay to haze if, like, you’re hazing the right people.

“It’s gonna be a pretty torturous month for these kiddos but they’re white, so they can’t be sad about it for that long,” added Burns.

Sources confirmed that this week, the prospective brothers will be watching historical documentaries of all the things white people have done wrong while drinking jizz out of Nathaniel’s left Sperry.

University: Hazing OK When It’s, Like, A Tradition

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL — The Cornell Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life recently revised the Campus Code of Conduct allowing for acts of hazing when it’s, like, a tradition, you know?

“We want to be completely clear about our zero-tolerance policy for hazing in Cornell fraternities, sororities, and other student groups,” said Travis Apgar, Senior Associate Dean of Students. “It’s never okay to make prospective members do something demeaning for their admission into a group, except when it’s something that older members had to do themselves. Then it’s okay.”

Hazing, defined broadly by the Campus Code of Conduct as an act that “endangers the physical health of an individual or causes mental distress to an individual through, for example, humiliating, intimidating, or demeaning treatment,” is now acceptable when it’s to promote brotherhood or sisterhood or something like that.

After hearing the announcement, fraternities across campus were relieved to know that they could keep their Spring pledges locked in the basement for several more hours without fear of suspension.

Fraternity Renovates Pledge Dungeon To Comply With New York State Hazing Laws

WEST CAMPUS — Known for employing unique initiation rituals that date back to Medieval Europe, brothers of Sigma Zeta Delta are reportedly renovating the house dungeon to comply with New York State hazing laws in preparation for this season’s pledge class.

“The state legislatures mandate we remove the rust from all the pokers, chains and nails, so we’re taking this weekend to make sure our new members will be tetanus-free through the process” said Social Chair Roger Sullivan ‘18, as he polished off a pair of shackles.

“It wasn’t too long ago that I myself was shut inside that iron maiden for two days as a pledge. But we don’t want any of my caked-on blood to infect our new brothers, so it’s time to disinfect.”

Once he had finished rebuffing the fraternity’s knee-splitter, Sullivan concluded his hard day’s work by releasing a member of last year’s pledge class from the pillory.