3 or 4 Students Still Riled About Health Fee

GANNETT- Sources are reporting that a small handful of students are still angry with the University administration about the implementation of a $350 health fee that enraged campus only weeks ago.

“Oh yeah, the whole health fee thing! It feels like that was so long ago,” recalled junior Rebecca Hardy, who herself was among the students who occupied President Skorton’s office as a means of protest.

“I remember being so pissed when I first heard about it. But I could only maintain the frustration that fueled my activism for a few days. Forgive and forget, right?”

At press time, the administration had decided to waive the fee for the few students still protesting so they would finally go home.

Local Kindergartners Join Health Fee Protest

DAY HALL —  President Skorton was surprised Monday to discover dozens of small children sitting in Day Hall joining the protest of Cornell’s newly-instituted health fee. The grumpy five- and six-year-olds stood alongside their articulate, college-age peers at the organized occupation of the University’s administrative offices to have their shrill voices heard.

“I anticipated some resistance from the student body, but did not expect our local kindergarteners to be so passionate about the health fee,” said Skorton.

“I felt a little uncomfortable debating this issue with the little tykes because they resorted to shouting, talking over me, and not raising their hands to argue their point. It really distracted from the otherwise valuable discourse I was having with some more mature students who were making legitimate points. But it’s not their fault – they’re only children.”

On the elementary school students’ list of grievances is the fact that the $350 will likely be spent on shots and medication, directly conflicting with their interests because shots hurt a lot and medicine tastes yucky.

On the other hand, the college students’ list of grievances included concerns over a lack of transparency in the decision making process and the fact that part of the fee would go towards reducing Gannett’s debt.

“My mommy told me that you’re just a PR frontman and that the health fee isn’t FAIR,” whined six year-old Timmy Balcer to President Skorton, using his outside voice. “The healthcare fee is stupid! I want pizza!”

At press time, a weary and impatient President Skorton could be seen placing the kindergartners in time-out and instructing them to face the wall until they learned their manners while he discussed the details of the decision to implement the fee with the mature Cornell students.

Senior Unaffected by Healthcare Fee Still “Down to Riot”

HO PLAZA — Senior Nathaniel Morrison will never have to pay the new Student Healthcare Fee, but nonetheless indicated today that he would be “down to riot.”

Last Thursday night, President Skorton introduced a new $350 health care fee for students not on the Student Health Insurance Plan (SHIP) designed to improve access to Gannett for students across the board. The fee has been met with widespread student resistance and protests are scheduled for the coming week.

“I mean yeah, I may not have to ever actually pay the fee, but I’m totally game for like a riot or something. Senior spring has been really boring so far,” explained Morrison. Morrison intends to attend the student protest on Monday afternoon, searching for the slightest provocation to “straight up introduce anarchy.”

Drunk Girl Who Just Fell Down Probably Fine

COLLEGETOWN – Saying that they did not want to seem intrusive, onlookers gave brief pause when a drunk Sarah Campbell stumbled and fell late last Saturday night.

“She looks fine,” said junior Lawrence Farmer. “I think it would be inappropriate for me to see if she’s okay. Like, it’s already embarrassing enough for her. I’d just be making it worse.”

Campbell, who stayed on the ground for a full twenty seconds after her drunken tumble, “probably just had the wind knocked out of her” and “probably [didn’t] even want to be asked if she was okay,” according to another onlooker.

“I don’t want to seem creepy,” explained sophomore Marc Goldberg. “She might think I’m being weird or coming on to her. I’m sure she has friends around to help her out.”

All told, twelve people saw the drunk woman fall (in the process breaking the screen on her phone and scraping her knee) and decided that it would just be better if they did not intervene.

Campbell was not contacted for comment, because this reporter doesn’t want to come off as some sort of hero-wannabe. Plus, as far as our sources tell us, she seemed to be OK.

Student Takes Quick Break From Netflix to Study, Be Productive

FLORA ROSE HOUSE — According to residents of Flora Rose House, sophomore Allison Galder took a quick break from watching Netflix to study.

“She had been lying on her bed watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ nonstop for 4 hours,” reported Galder’s roommate, “It was great to see her take a break and unwind a little bit by studying for her tests and completing assignments.” Other close acquaintances of Galder expressed positive feelings about her brief period of productivity, explaining how the diligent Sophomore had been having difficulty fitting both ‘Maleficent’ and ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ into a single night, and were relieved to know that Galder was finding time to work on her required assignments.

Galder’s roommate continued, “Allison has really been going on about how stressed she is the upcoming release of season two of Orange is the New Black, and it’s great that she found time to relax and do something like work on homework.”

Senior Chalks Up Alcohol Withdrawal Headache to “Lack of Sleep”

ITHACA, NY — Matthew Bernstein ‘15 has been suffering from an alcohol withdrawal headache all day, a headache which he has mistakenly attributed to too little sleep.

“Man, my head’s pounding today. I definitely need to get to bed earlier today,” said Bernstein, unable to connect the dots between the fact he’s been drunk every night for the last five nights and his symptoms of alcohol withdrawal.

“I wonder if I should start working out,” he said to himself as he began planning his dinner for that night, automatically including a beer or four.


Dorm Fire Narrowly Averted Due to Poster 19 Inches from Ceiling

DONLON — In what RA’s across campus are calling “The Donlon Miracle,” a potential fire was narrowly averted when building inspectors discovered a poster exactly 19 inches from the ceiling.

Equipped with protractors and tape measures, building inspectors entered 4551 Donlon Hall at around 10:30 Monday morning and quickly noticed a cat poster perched dangerously high up on the wall. However, inspectors were relieved after a detailed measurement revealed the wall decoration contained precisely 19 inches of space between it and the ceiling.

“We sure dodged a bullet there,” remarked senior RA and experienced fire hazard-locator Doug Andrews. Andrews went on to explain how the Laws of Thermodynamics clearly dictate that once a poster enters the 18 inch zone, its chances of spontaneously combusting immediately skyrocket. “Had the poster been a couple inches higher up, the room surely would have been engulfed in flames.”

While this event fortunately did not end in crisis, Andrews feels it is important to remind everyone about fire safety, warning that extension cords, pets, and especially unapproved microwave ovens, despite being perfectly safe in normal homes, risk incineration upon moving into a college dorm room.

Classes Cancelled Due to Melancholy Fog

DAY HALL- Administration announced early this morning that the University would be closing from 8:00AM-12:00PM due to fog putting a real damper on the morning.

“We woke up this morning, saw all the fog, and just though, ‘Ugh, I do not feel like getting out of bed,’” said spokesman Claudia Wheatley while still in her bathrobe enjoying a second cup of coffee.

“Cornell is dedicated to ensuring that the members of its community are healthy both physically and mentally. A foggy morning can put a damper on students’ days right from the get-go, so the administration decided it would be best if students could have a few extra free hours this morning,” said Wheatley.

It is quite a rare event for Cornell to cancel classes. The last time the University closed due to weather was during a blizzard, when it closed from 3:00AM-10:00AM. Many students still had to brave the snow in order to make it to their morning classes. Wheatley explained that while blizzard conditions “risk the physical safety of staff, faculty, and students,” the fog posed a far greater threat to the well-being of the campus.

The cancellation was welcomed by some students but passed unbeknownst to others who slept through their morning classes anyway.

Gannett Student Health Insurance Doesn’t Cover Broken Dreams

Gannett Health Services issued an urgent reminder Wednesday that the Student Health Insurance does not cover broken dreams.

“I thought Pre-Med would be a good idea,” complained AEM major Daphne Crawford ’15. “I told my parents not to worry that I only had a 2.3 GPA and that the student health plan would cover any shattered hopes of not getting into medical school.”

Performance and Media Arts major Patrick Allen ’14 expressed equal concern for his health insurance coverage. “What if I never make to Broadway? What if my face never sees the big screen?” he asked while simultaneously memorizing his lines for the upcoming Schwartz Production of Next to Normal and completing an application to be a summer camp counselor. “I thought I’d be able to discover myself as an artist and not worry about getting a job.”

Sharon Dittman, Associate Director for Community Relations at Gannett, wants to clarify that the Student Health Premium cannot rectify poor career choices. “We cover basic physicals, screenings, and therapy,” explained Dittman. “Unfortunately, we cannot pay for the damage done to student’s psyche when they figure out they cannot pay the bills.”

Dittman was pleased to confirm that students with pre-existing broken dreams, like not getting into Harvard or Yale, were still eligible for Gannett’s coverage.