HOLLAND INTERNATIONAL LIVING CENTER – Huddled together in a common room of HILC, the twelve international students left all alone on campus are deeply confused about where everyone went. “Hey, why’d everybody leave?” said bamboozled student Avi Khan after emerging to a cold, desolate wasteland. “Where would everyone need to be on the last Thursday…
BURBANK, CA — After a hearty Christmas Eve dinner, Cornellians everywhere will be cozying up in front of their televisions tonight to watch the world premiere of the holiday special “A Very Cornell Christmas,” on ABC at 9:00 PM EST. The story of “A Very Cornell Christmas” centers around a little elf named Jingle Ivytrifle,…
OLIN LIBRARY — In what witnesses are calling a true miracle, it has been confirmed that Ethan Gold’s iPhone battery managed to last eight days straight while he was studying in Olin library for his final exams. “I was shocked by how long the battery lasted,” Gold recounted. “Going into the first day of finals…
Find your favorite charter. Attend your 1:25 class. Dress up Ezra and A.D. White’s corpses for the Sesquicentennial Bring A.D. White and Ezra Cornell to the Cornell Dairy Bar and demand three free ice creams. Order the whole menu at CTB and tell them Ezra will take care of it. Take Ezra Cornell to Day…
EARTH — Mother Earth, goddess and protector of our fair planet, is reportedly irate due to the fact that you didn’t to call her for Earth Day. This marks the third year in a row you forgot about the holiday celebrating the environment, and at this point it just seems like you don’t care at…
HO PLAZA — Fear and worry erupted on campus when the Cornell community witnessed the evil Green Southscale Dragon, Nídhöggr, lock the Princess in the tallest room in McGraw Tower. She is expected to remain there for the foreseeable future, until either the townspeople relinquish all their gold to the dragon or she is rescued…
KENNEDY HALL- In eager celebration of Saint Patrick’s Day, Mechanical Engineering professor K. Max Zhang adorned the corner of his class’s prelims with a shamrock. “I just love the the festive spirit of the holiday,” said Zhang of the day he would be administering an exam worth nearly 20 percent of his students’ final grades….
MALLOTT HALL — To celebrate all the great advancements in mathematics made possible by the almighty irrational number, Cornell’s nerds are all set to throw a huge rager for Super-Pi Day on Saturday, 3/14/15. The date marks an extraordinary numerical parallel with pi to the unheard of degree of four decimal places, and the university’s…
ITHACA, NY — The student body is building its anticipation over the upcoming announcement of this year’s Slope Day location. “There’s always so much interesting speculation,” said junior Peter Yang, who expressed his disappointment over previous Slope Day locations for their muddy surfaces and uneven footing. “It’s so exciting! The last couple years it’s been…
SHOPS AT ITHACA MALL- Mayor Svante Myrick visited Target with his mother this afternoon to buy Valentine’s Day cards for every resident in the City of Ithaca. “Look, mom! Frozen!” said Myrick, pointing at the box of Frozen themed cards in Target’s Valentine’s Day aisle. Myrick added that “everyone in [his] city loves Frozen” and…
