Parents Pressure Skorton to “Get a Real Job” at Thanksgiving Dinner

TRENTON, NJ — At his cousins’ house for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday night, President Skorton’s parents allegedly pressured him to “get a real job” and “stop living in fantasy land.” The 65 year-old reportedly got into a heated argument with his mother, Jane, and his father, Richard, about his future before dismissing them altogether and asking his Aunt Margaret for the cranberry sauce.

“We just don’t think taking care of little kids  is a good use of our little boy’s time,” Jane told reporters, adding, “I know there’s not much you can do with a degree in psychology, but I figure he can get a job with a decent salary and dental if he actually looks for it.”

When Skorton defended himself by pointing out he would soon be the new head of the Smithsonian, his father retorted, “What? So you can play with action figures and model planes all day long you pansy?  I built up my fencing business with my own sweat and blood so you could throw away your life being a glorified twelve-year old?”

Other relatives chimed in with their advice for Skorton’s career and personal life.  Aunt Margaret pointed out, “There’s a job opening at the Staples down the road that looks just lovely dear.”  Her husband Jedd added, “Yeah the checkout girl there has some sweet cans,” downing his fourth scotch and soda.

This was the end of the incident as Skorton quickly got up from the table, screamed, “I knew I should have gone to Thanksgiving at my girlfriend’s house!” and locked himself in his room to cuddle with his dog.

Freshmen Definitely Enjoyed Staying on Campus for Thanksgiving

MARY DONLON HALL—While the vast majority of students visited home over Thanksgiving Break, reports confirm that Brian O’Connor (ILR ’18) had a great time staying in his quiet, lonely dorm the past five days.

“It probably would’ve been really really nice spend time with my parents, or my dog, or my girlfriend of three years. But, I thought it was fun schlepping down to West Campus to spend 14 bucks on dry turkey and what may or may not have been stuffing,” shared O’Connor, who has reportedly eaten thirteen of his last fifteen meals alone.

Connor continued, “I saw on Facebook that a lot of my closest friends had gotten together over the break, which was just…awesome. That’s what’s so cool about the digital age! Video-chatting with my mom is basically the same as giving her a hug…right?”

O’Connor was later observed asking his girlfriend to snuggle with him through FaceTime.

Girl in Sexy Kitten Costume Rescued by Local Animal Shelter

COLLEGETOWN- Sources are reporting that the Tompkins County SPCA rescued a stray girl sporting a sexy kitten costume this Friday night.

“We found Mittens shivering in a sideways box labeled ‘FREE,’ taking shelter from the rain,” said Jim Bouderau, executive director of the Tompkins County SPCA, while refilling the girl’s saucer of milk.

“She was left all alone out there, with no one to take care of her, so we brought her in and tried to nurse her back to health.”

Bouderau noted that the shelter is actively looking for a new home for Mittens, whose exact breed could not be determined.

Mittens’ adoption information can be found on the SPCA website, which includes any information known about her and a description of her qualities. According to the website, Mittens is “playful and outgoing, and is always trying to get out her cage.”

Anonymous Rascal Puts Severed Head on Top of Clock Tower

MCGRAW TOWER — The Cornell community was taken by surprise this morning to find that some lighthearted prankster managed to place a severed head on the top of Cornell’s iconic McGraw Clock Tower.

“That head really spooked us for a moment there, but we know it’s all in good fun!” said CUPD chief Kathy Zoner on the “rapscallion” behind the severed head, still dripping fresh blood from the tower. “These students and their Halloween shenanigans. Sometimes, you just gotta let kids be kids!”

The head was presumably placed on the tower late last night, but no witnesses were there to see “the fun-loving scamp” in action, according to Chief Zoner. “Some people suspect the Rock Climbing Club is behind this wacky joke, but we’ll never know for sure. I think this one’s best left a mystery.”

Tour guides are already incorporating the “lure of the severed head” into their tours. “If you look to your left, you’ll see Cornell history in the making,” said tour guide Ashley Herman to her group, pointing to the severed head in the air.

When reached for comment, President Skorton told CU Nooz he was “so happy” that this “ingenious practical jokester” contributed to the Cornell aura, and hopes this act becomes a “time-honored knee-slapper” of his presidential legacy.

Warning: The following image could be considered disturbing but only if you find light-hearted mysterious pranks disturbing (but really, gore):

Continue reading “Anonymous Rascal Puts Severed Head on Top of Clock Tower”

Campus Still Hungover From Mother’s Day Festivities

ITHACA- Instead of partaking in the usual brunch with estranged family and friends, Cornell students decided to take a different approach to celebrating Mother’s Day. As a vast majority of students are away from home and their mothers, they took it upon themselves to celebrate the special occasion as any good children would. And today, hundreds all over Cornell’s campus are still feeling the effects of last night’s ragers in celebration of Mother’s Day.

“I love my mommy so much,” said Junior Sarah Lessin. “So I downed eight shots of Captain Morgan in twenty minutes to show how much she means to me.” At the time of the interview, Lessin was wearing a “Mommy’s Little Girl” tank top and vomiting on the sidewalk.

Sources report that houses and apartments across Collegetown, including at least twelve fraternities, held Mother’s Day themed parties. One brother of the Sigma Chi fraternity even reported that their most popular drinking game of the night was not beer pong, but rather a game where one writes cards to one’s mother, then subsequently takes a shot every time he feels inadequate or guilty.

The evenings feelings were summed up most poignantly by Senior Chadwick Saunders: “I think it’s a perfect way to celebrate my mom, because I know for a fact that she’s celebrating the exact same way.”

 

REPORT: It’s Too Late to Mail a Card Home for Mother’s Day

ITHACA, NY – According to a report released by MomsRising today, it is officially too late to buy a card and send it home for Mother’s Day.  The report goes on to say that even though the post office is open on Sundays, cards still cannot make it in time.

Students on campus are shocked by this revelation.  When asked if she sent a card yesterday, sophomore Rebecca Johnson laughed and said, “Mother’s Day is like in so long from now. I have time. It literally takes five seconds to mail a card.”

President of MomsRising, Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner, went on to say that Mothers will not be particularly open to excuses like: “I had no stamps,” or, “I was trying to be eco-friendly” because it’s the “one day a year where we want to not have to put up with your nonsense and just be treated well.”

Adding to how much trouble you’re in is the fact  your mom will remind you that “your brother Jeffrey remembered to send a card.  He always remembers.”  However, it’s not too late to give your mom a call – not a text with fifteen different emoji – and let her know that you love her and are thinking of her today.  For brownie points, tell her the call is the only break you’ve taken from studying today, she’ll like that.