Student Returning Home Disappointed By Meal Plan Options

STATEN ISLAND—Longing for a time with better company and better food, Alex Reed ’24 has been missing Cornell Dining’s exquisite meal selections while back at his parents’ house for Winter Break. 

“It’s nice to not have to wait in line at the dining hall—sorry, dining room,” Reed said. “But overall, there just hasn’t been the variety of dishes I’ve come to expect from my meal providers. I mean, where’s my vegan cheeseless enchilada bake to go with Grandma’s classic beef stroganoff?”

Despite scrolling through both the Eatery app and NYTCooking to get a taste of what the bourgeoisie of Ithaca and New York are eating, Reed still yearns for the safe consistency of Rose’s Taco Tuesday or the comfortable dim sum of RPCC brunch. 

“I even made Alex’s favorite spaghetti and meatballs, but he just mumbled something about Sicilian sheet pizzas and tofu and broccoli with red chili garlic,” said Reed’s mother Lily.  “I can’t take another night of him crying into a plate of baked chicken with macaroni and cheese because some place called Apple always made it Kosher.” 

At press time, Reed was seen ordering Domino’s just like he did most nights at school.

Student Calls Mom to Wish Her Happy Mother’s Day From Bedroom Upstairs

NASHVILLE, TN—Just in time for the holiday, Tessa Willem ‘21 made sure to call her mom to wish her a happy Mother’s Day from the distant location of her upstairs bedroom.

“Even though my mom funds nearly all of my educational, living, and social expenses, I’m usually crazy busy around this time of year so sometimes it’s hard to remember,” said Willem. “Now that the family is together again, I figured I owed it to her to really go all out with a brief phone call..”

Clearly Willem’s efforts were recognized, since her mother seemed to appreciate the copious amount of time and care she put into making this Mother’s Day a special one.

“Normally when my sweet Tessa is away at college, she might shoot me a ‘happy mother’s day birthgiver :/’ text a day or two late, followed by her Venmo requesting me $38 for ‘Moonies’ or one of the other grocery stores she frequents,” said Allison Willem, loving mother of two. “The fact that she went above and beyond this year and called makes me feel so lucky to have her as a daughter.”

After the call, Willem searched far and wide on the Cornell Store website for a Mother’s Day gift, eventually settling for the same “Cornell Mom” keychain she gifted two years ago and explaining to her mom that her gift is arriving late due to COVID-19 shipping delays.

Student Uses Time Alone To Embark Upon Journey Of Self Discovery, Drug Abuse

CHEYENNE, WYOMING—During her unexpected isolation at home, Bernadette Shaw ’20 has taken advantage of her distance from her peers to self-examine and discover a new hobby of rampant, perverse drug abuse.

“I think quarantine makes people feel really uncertain; I see it as an opportunity to reflect on my aspirations, but doing that sober is super hard,” said Shaw, working on her vision board after ingesting 10 grams of magic mushrooms.

Shaw ’20 will be graduating into a literal economic depression, which has promoted her to critically reflect on what’s really important to her. She’s also been thinking of cool new drug combinations which range from the banal: muscle relaxers and white wine, to the innovative: 50mg of melatonin and LSD.

“I’m so scared to wake up one day and not recognize myself,” said Shaw, explaining that she meant it in a “literal and metaphorical way,” citing her experience with peyote, which “showed me my spiritual essence rather than physical form when I looked in the mirror.” Shaw described that trip as “extremely unpleasant, because my spiritual essence is a real uggo.”

Shaw aspires to find a deeper sense of self understanding through exercises like mindfulness meditation, huffing gasoline siphoned out of her mother’s SUV, and electrocuting her toes with the car battery.

Despite disapproval from her family, Shaw plans to continue her spiritual and substance-based journey because what else are you supposed to do in Wyoming?