Academic Adultery? I Swapped Discussion Sections Four Times and Now My Professor is Calling Me a Slut

BAKER LAB–When Elliot Sandleford ‘26 finally settled on his spring semester lineup, he expected his course-related troubles to be over. “I spent weeks rearranging my Scheduler,” said Sandleford. “I had to get it exactly right, where I would have 8:00 AM labs every morning but also somehow no time to eat lunch.”

Although the Arts and Sciences sophomore struggled to resolve a conflict between SWAHL 2102: Intermediate Swahili II and VETMI 7405: Fleas and Lice, he eventually assembled a functional roster of labs, lectures and discussion sections. Unfortunately, this task involved a number of drops and swaps that seem to have rubbed his Computer Science instructors the wrong way.

“Yeah, I did shuffle my discussion section around a few times,” admitted Sandleford sheepishly. “I mean, I changed it twice before classes started, so 201-DIS and 202-DIS were, like, not even a thing– like, it was just a talking stage. I guess I showed up for 215-DIS last week, but I feel like I was up-front that I was messing with 208-DIS at the time, so it’s sort of the TA’s fault if he got too attached.”

It wasn’t until this week that Elliot noticed something felt off in his lecture. “When I came in Tuesday morning, the professor was glaring at me. At first I thought I was imagining it, but yesterday I opened the class’s canvas homepage and there was a big picture of my face at the top with ‘DIRTY WHORE’ bolded over it in big red text.”

Elliot says he’s afraid this incident might affect his likelihood of getting into future classes– and maybe even affiliating with his majors. “I just don’t want anyone to think I’m disloyal,” mumbled Sandleford, looking down at his shoes. “I guess it’ll all blow over as long as no one finds out I hooked up with my TA.”

Only Two Conventionally Attractive Members of Orientation Group Already a Couple

ROBERT PURCELL COMMUNITY CENTER—Despite having known each other for a mere six days, Brian Furman ‘26 and Evan Adames ‘26—the shining stars of a fairly dim orientation group—have already entered into a relationship.

“After giving the rest of the group a quick once-over, it was love at first sight,” said Adames. “Bri-Bri and I just have so much in common. Like, we’re both hot—how crazy is that?! I’m so glad to have found a diamond in the rough.”

While the rest of their orientation group participated in icebreakers, the flame of love was enough to thaw the straits between Furman and Adames. They were further entangled by failed attempts to score beer in Collegetown and a surprisingly sensual diversity, equity, and inclusion training session (described by onlookers as “pretty inappropriate”).

“Kevin just seems really cool,” said Furman, apparently in reference to Adames. “It’s like, not only is he hot, he’s also really smart. When we were in Collegetown that one time—dude, it was crazy—he came, like, super close to getting us into that rager. It was the best moment of my life.”

At press time, Furman and Adames had “mutually agreed” to break off their torrid romance after noticing additional attractive people.

OP-ED: I Refuse To Shower If I’m Just Going To Walk Somewhere Later

I’m done. That’s it. I give up. I’m not showering until the weather cools down. Every single day, no matter where I go or what time it is, I am drenched in sweat from head to toe. Collegetown to Uris? No question. Rockefeller to the Engineering Quad? Yep. I had to walk from Klarman to Goldwin Smith and I STILL looked like I had just left some secret sauna on campus. There’s no point, and that’s why I will not shower my body for the foreseeable future.

I’ve tried everything. Putting my backpack over just one shoulder so my shirt can breathe, wearing light colored clothing, buying a parasol, and even walking entirely nude to class. Literally nothing works. Therefore, I’ve made up my mind and I’m not changing it. There is no reason to be clean if the world we live in is sweaty.

I refuse to shower until the weather cools down. If every time I am forced to leave the confines of the indoors I appear to have more sweat on my back than someone who just finished their third Crossfit class of the day, why should I have to lather and rinse myself in order to repeat the same process the next day? It makes NO sense.

Congrats Mother Nature, you win. Until the weather cools down and I can comfortably walk to class without being drenched, I am not showering. Frankly I don’t care what I smell like; you’re not better than me with your clean, functioning pores. At least, I’ll embrace my sweat while the rest of you losers continue to fight the inevitable stank of defeat.