UNIVERSITY AVE—The chapters of Cornell’s Interfraternity Council were left red-faced and teary-eyed after receiving a punishment of elementary proportions. While this majorly minor consequence will have almost no impact on the future operations of campus fraternities, the idea of any form of oversight on Greek organizations has taken a serious toll on many Big Red brothers.
“This is super duper unfair times a million,” stated an exasperated Zach Zimner ‘25, outraged at the stern scolding handed down by administration. “This one time, my mom grounded me in the third grade because I threw a pair of scissors at the substitute teacher, and this is even worse than that.” added Zimner. “We can still have philanthropy events, but that word is really really hard to pronounce.”
The ban on fraternity events is expected to be retracted by Cornell administration within the coming weeks, a decision that H.K. Johnson’s A Practical Guide to Parenting claims will only encourage further tantrums in the future. University higher-ups have been reluctant to hand down a more strict judgment due to fears that some chapters might throw a fit and hold their breath until they pass out.
“I just don’t understand why we have to get in trouble. It’s stupid,” proclaimed Tau Omega Tau president Pat Herman ‘23. “Now the new freshmen at rush don’t want to join our club and learn our secret handshake, ugh!” continued Herman, referring to the difficult process of selecting which potential new members would best perpetuate the most toxic elements of Greek life long into the future.
While critics of the current fraternity system have advocated for IFC to maintain the party moratorium, they were unable to be heard after all the brothers stuck their fingers in their ears and made farting noises with their tongues.
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following weeks of heightened university emphasis on the perils of hazing, The Professional Fraternity Council is imploring Cornell to only investigate the social fraternities on campus, and to leave the professional frats well enough alone.
“It’s really hard for us to indoctrinate our new members correctly when the administration is breathing down everyone’s necks about ‘forced drinking,’ ‘involuntary undressing,’ and ‘moderate kidnappings,’” commented PFC President Jonathan Ramirez ‘20. “It would be so much cooler if they could just really hammer down on the social frats and leave us to our own devices.”
Cornell students planning on joining these pre-professional organizations are also really hoping that the school redoubles its anti-hazing efforts… against social fraternities.
“I totally get it, hazing is dangerous and stupid and unnecessary,” said Joanna Mason ‘22. “But the administration needs to back off; I’m trying to get into a business frat for my own professional development and I really don’t care if that means getting sprayed with condiments and being verbally abused.”
At press time, new members of Lambda Omega Lambda, Cornell’s Pre-Entertainment Fraternity, gave heartfelt speeches about how the organization would propel their careers through jaws that had been wired shut, with broken arms in slings.
AMAZON RAINFOREST, BRAZIL—Tragedy struck the IFC last week when five students failed to return from the organization’s annual mission to collect the increasingly scarce jungle juice.
“While we mourn the loss of our fellow brothers, we know their tragedy was not in vain. Each cooler we fill with the sweet jungle nectar this semester will be a testament to their brave sacrifice.” said IFC President Jared Corningstone ‘19. “If they do remain alive, they will know it is thanks to them that we can throw so many more parties and mixers.”
The expedition has become more and more dangerous in recent years due to a worldwide shortage of the saccharine liquid gold, which has also caused many frats to serve the more easily scavenged Keystone Light, mined in the mountains of Colorado.
“A brother of my house was lost this week, but it was fucking worth it,” said Delta Epsilon Phi brother John Coates ‘20, in between bouts of spewing ruby-red vomit. “This one’s for you, Travis!,” he later yelled, filling another cup.
As of Thursday of wet week, the council’s supply of the alcoholic natural luxury has been 60% depleted.