Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane? Student Pleads with All-Powerful Father Not to Send Him to Company’s Branch in Ohio

MEWS HALL–Much as the Lord’s only son went into the Garden of Gethsemane to ask the Heavenly Father that His life might be spared, so too did Brantley Wentworth ‘25 call upon his own father to spare him an even darker fate—a summer in his company’s Ohio branch.
Although Wentworth had long accepted his role in life–to spend the most functional years of his cocaine addiction falsifying ledgers in order to increase stocks by .03%—as his LinkedIn feed filled with announcements of his classmate’s internships in Silicon Valley, Wentworth found himself filled with doubt for the first time in his smug, entitled life. Just as the Son of God in the Gospel of Matthew lay prostrate in the garden, Wentworth threw himself down among his discarded beer cans and contacted his father the only way he knew how–by calling his secretary’s number.
“Dad, please, if it’s possible to find an opening in California, let this internship in Ohio pass me by,” Wentworth pleaded with the answering machine, trembling with sorrow and synthetic weed withdrawal. “Through You all things are possible–like deforesting the entire Amazon, or getting My three DUIs dismissed. Give Me the keys to the kingdom of heaven, or at least to an apartment outside of the central United States!”
Wentworth’s prayers were answered by a voicemail threatening to cut off his allowance, causing Wentworth to declare, “Not My will, but Yours be done!”

Cornellians Graduating Without Taking Swim Test Report Feeling Unprepared to Enter the Workforce

NEW YORK CITY–Last Monday, Shelby Lawrence ‘21 began her first day at her entry-level job as a Coffee Gofer at Morgan Stanley and was met with an unwelcome surprise: without having completed Cornell’s mandatory swim test due to COVID-19 cancellations, she was completely in over her head! 

“At first I thought it was the two years of virtual Econ that was making me nervous about my upcoming position at Morgan Stanley, but now I know it’s that I never got to put my freestyle to the test.” Lawrence explained. “How can I know if I’ll sink or swim in the real world without surviving three laps in Teagle?” 

On that fateful first day, Lawrence accidentally brought back a mocha latte instead of a cappuccino. Later that afternoon, she felt flooded by the inundation of orientation materials, and stood gasping for air while trying to manage the Xerox machine. Lawrence even cried herself to sleep that night, remembering her pathetic attempt to doggy-paddle down Wall Street in the pouring rain. 

“I guess I should have expected the steep learning curve I would experience at work due to my lack of swim experience. Whenever I talk to alumni, they always cite the swim test as a seminal part of their post-grad confidence and success,” Lawrence said. “Sure, the degree’s alright, but we all know that the real Cornell advantage comes from the assessment of our buoyancy.”

The Office of Alumni Affairs and Development, having been notified of the widespread concern, floated the idea of a make-up swim test that would occur some time in 2023.

Friend Bragging About Making It to Final Round Interview for Company That’s Almost Definitely a Pyramid Scheme

LIBE CAFE—While catching up with a freshman year acquaintance, future scammer Lisa Monollo ‘22 spilled all the details to friend Jen Pella ‘22 about her final round interview for a company that is almost certainly a pyramid scheme.

“I was always so intimidated by the recruitment process for full-time jobs, but once I learned all I had to do was pay $5 for a recruiter phone screen, $10 for a first round interview, $20 for a second round interview, and $50 for a final round interview I was thrilled!” gushed Monollo. “They even told me to be on the lookout for an offer letter in the coming days from a high school acquaintance through a Facebook message or Instagram DM!”

Unlike Pella’s disparate offer to be a full-time consultant at McKinsey paying a pittance of $100,000 a year and requiring frequent travel, Monollo’s entry level marketing position had the potential to earn anywhere from -$30,000 to $80,000 yearly with the added benefit of permanently living in her hometown.

“Technically there’s no base salary for this role, but it’s probably fine since I’ll be moving back to Middletown, PA, so the cost of living is gonna be way low,” admitted Monollo. “However, you do get paid based on a heavy commission of 1% at entry level which is really exciting since I’ve always loved to hustle for some change! It’s so much better than working some stable job in a glamorous city anyways!”

Monollo was later spotted donning a vending machine engagement ring from her former high school ex-boyfriend and browsing Zillow for homes to raise her future family of three misbehaved children and an adulterous husband.

Cornell Sends ROTC Students to Study Abroad in Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Last Monday, Max Trent ‘23 and twenty of his fellow ROTC cadets boarded one of the last flights to Kabul alongside American soldiers for an enticing cultural enrichment study abroad program in Afghanistan.

“I’m super excited to go to Kay-bull,” said an excited Trent, “it gets so cold here in Ithaca I’m really looking forward to spending all semester in the nice warm desert with the Afgangi’s. We’re super excited to be on this mission, it’ll be a nice break from the prelim season.”

Last week, the U.S. military, low on volunteers, reached out to Cornell and other American universities for the last few people who couldn’t say no. In their recruitment, the military sought out the loudest and most confident individuals, all of whom claimed they could beat the Taliban blindfolded and without fellow ROTC cadet and certified alpha male Beermaster’s help.

The ROTC boys were excited to participate in a range of cultural activities such as archaeological digs for vital mineral resources the US left behind, paper macheing CIA documents that had not yet been destroyed, and a bowling night at the former U.S. embassy.

“I think I stand a really good chance against the Taliban,” Trent added. “Yeah they have tons of abandoned American weaponry, but do they have Bront, Mitch, and Cody on their side? My boy Beermaster can run a mile shirtless in 18 minutes, can the Taliban do that?”

Tragically, Trent’s confidence wavered as soon as their plane landed in Afghanistan, and even the soothing voice of Beermaster couldn’t prevent his pants from wettening.

ILR Student “Really Passionate About Labor Movement, But Corporate Law Pays More So I Might Just Do That”

IVES HALL— In the face of mounting pressure from his peers, Industrial and Labor Relations junior Brent Samson recently assuaged fears that he was a corporatist, boot-licking Bezos simp by vaguely claiming that he has plans to work in the labor movement eventually, unless of course he could make more money in corporate law.

“I really get where he’s coming from,” remarked William Forwith ‘22. “The salaries in union advocacy pale in comparison to the absolute killing you could make defending megacorporations from workman’s comp lawsuits. It’s basic economics: the opportunity cost of having a soul in legal practice is really high, so of course the market incentivizes shielding billionaires from responsibility for their actions as an alternative.”

Despite the overwhelming financial incentives, Samson claims that his true passion lies in labor, and that after a modest career keeping sweatshops open and crushing strikes, he would be more than open to contributing in retirement.

“Honestly, I’ve learned so much here in ILR, there’s no way I could morally justify ignoring all of that and jumping head on into corporate work,” explained Samson. “I mean, my favorite class is labor history, so I’m putting it to use. I’m taking the Andrew Carnegie approach, where you just soak up as much wealth as you can for almost the entirety of your life, and then justify it by putting a small fraction of that money towards building a concert hall workers will never be able to afford going to. It’s called philanthropy.”

At time of publication, Samson insists that even if he does end up going into corporate law, it will be for one of the “good” companies, who release rainbow products for Pride Month and put out vague political commercials in the first week of June.

Pollack Sends Draft of Campus-Wide Email to Admin Groupchat to Check “If It Looks Okay”

DAY HALL—Cornell University President and former linguistics major Martha Pollack hit up the groupchat composed of Cornell’s most high-profile administrators to check her spelling on the latest solemn missive to the campus community and “make sure the vibes aren’t off.”

“It was like 1am, and all of a sudden I get this notification. It’s a snippet of her draft email in Outlook 365. And it’s like, dude, you were supposed to have sent this out this afternoon! But I did her a solid and responded with a heart reaction and pointed out she used “Cornellians” three times in one paragraph,” said Joel Malina, Vice President for University Relations.

“I just dropped a compliment when I woke up and saw the message in the morning,” said Madelyn Wessel, who occupies the role of both University Counsel and Pollack’s #1 hype woman. “Thirty thousand plus people are going to receive the email, and at least a thousand of them are going to actually read it; mostly the nerds. That’s a lot of pressure. One misplaced word will be the subject of Guest Room articles and Letters to the Editor for the next month.”  

“It came in all weird and pixelated on my phone,” explained Ryan Lombardi, Vice President for Student and Campus Life. “Maybe it’s because I have an Android? I said ‘looks good,’ but honestly, I didn’t read it. I have my own campus-wide email to work on!”

When asked for comment, the Office of the University President clarified that President Pollack receiving proofreading help from her colleagues is in no way a violation of the academic integrity policy, “unlike the obvious outfit copying that Madelyn has been engaging in.”

 

Philosophy Senior Excited to Get a Head Start on Living at Home After College

TOLEDO, OHFollowing four years of pursuing various unemployable majors, jobless Philosophy major Geraldo Hernandez ’20 was thrilled to start living at home indefinitely over 2 months ahead of schedule.

“He keeps saying ‘something will fall into place’ soon, but ‘just wants some time off,’” said Gloria Hernandez, sighing as her son woke up from his second nap of the day asking what’s for dinner. “I got my brother Hector to offer Geraldo an entry-level marketing position at his firm, but apparently my son texted him back saying he’d get back to him in a few months.”

Since he arrived home last Monday, Hernandez has organized his collection of sweatpants and think-pieces by French philosophers and hung up photos of himself rolling and then smoking a blunt. “Going to be here for a while; might as well get comfortable,” he said, closing a Glassdoor tab and relaxing back into his chair. 

As of press time, Hernandez had calmed his mother down by telling her he was “studying the financial markets” as he sold a 60th turnip bunch on Animal Crossing.

Unemployed but Determined Senior Adds “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to LinkedIn Headline

COLLEGETOWN—Confident that it will give him the edge he needs after an underwhelming and fruitless job search, Dalton Pearce ’20, indicated he is eager to receive any and all job offers by adding “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to his LinkedIn headline.

“‘Seeking: Job’ sounds too stiff and formal, and ‘Please, I’m Just Looking For A Chance’ is borderline desperate,” explained Pearce, wondering what two to five word phrase could walk the line between last-resort and enthusiastic optimism. “I was thinking about going all out and having it say ‘Intended Incoming Employed Person,’ but I feel good about this middle ground.”

Pearce’s friends tell him his efforts may be better directed towards interview prep or applying to graduate school. However, the resilient senior is confident that his future employer will be handpicking new hires based on their most inspired LinkedIn Headline, and that this updated online presence will seal the deal for him. Pearce went on to say that “besides, resumes are just supposed to direct you towards your LinkedIn anyway, right?”

Shortly after receiving the seventh straight rejection email, Pearce reportedly doubled-down on his job hunt efforts and updated his LinkedIn Headline to “Visionary. Thinker. Dreamer.”

Fiber Science & Apparel Design Major Excited to Impress Parents with Degree in Public Policy

HUMAN ECOLOGY BUILDING—Local Fiber Science & Apparel Design major Daphne Gladden ’23 is reportedly excited to wow her family by graduating with a degree from Cornell University’s proposed College of Public Policy.

“When I told my family that I wanted to study fashion design at a “Human Ecology” school, my parents weren’t thrilled,” explained Gladden. “But if HumEc becomes the College of Public Policy, I think they will be way more enthusiastic about my career prospects.”

Gladden’s anticipation is the result of a recent faculty committee recommendation to refocus the College of Human Ecology into a school of public policy. The recommendation was in response to university administrators’ desire to gain an edge in the social sciences over rival universities and get more Cornellians into Congress.

According to sources familiar with the matter, Human Ecology’s Fiber Science & Apparel Design department has been directed to add new course offerings to align with the College of Public Policy’s academic mission. Beginning next fall, Fiber Science students will be able to enroll in courses including FSAD 3700- Intermediate Yarn Taxation, FSAD 4975- Congressional Athleisure Design Lab, and FSAD 2940- Ruffle Inequality in Urban America.

Informed of Cornell’s aspirations in public policy, Dr. Thomas Allen, Associate Professor of Ceramics at Princeton University’s Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs plainly stated, “Bring it on, Martha.”

Small Company at Career Fair Just Happy to be There

BARTON HALL—In the midst of representatives from much larger companies, Tony Brown, CEO and recruiter for a small software company based in Connecticut, reported that he was honestly just grateful for the opportunity to attend this semester’s career fair.

“Sure, the bigger companies tend to get more attention, but I think our mission will really appeal to a lot of students,” Brown said, right before a student asked him where the Facebook table was.

While other companies had drawstring backpacks and t-shirts to lure in potential recruits, Brown showed up to the career fair with a paltry number of stress balls and a few phone wallets. “Every few minutes a student will walk over, grab some swag, and leave. Even though they didn’t ask about career opportunities, I’m really glad they approached our table!”

“I’m super excited to be here and show Cornell what makes our company special,” Brown continued as several students hurried past, making a beeline towards the light blue Goldman Sachs table.

As the rest of Barton Hall bustled with blazer-clad upperclassmen with their sights set on Bloomberg or Google, Brown continued to stand behind his table alone, practicing his freshman internship pitch, and really just doing his best.