Tag Archives: Jobs

Cornellians Graduating Without Taking Swim Test Report Feeling Unprepared to Enter the Workforce

NEW YORK CITY–Last Monday, Shelby Lawrence ‘21 began her first day at her entry-level job as a Coffee Gofer at Morgan Stanley and was met with an unwelcome surprise: without having completed Cornell’s mandatory swim test due to COVID-19 cancellations, she was completely in over her head!  “At first I Read More

Friend Bragging About Making It to Final Round Interview for Company That’s Almost Definitely a Pyramid Scheme

LIBE CAFE—While catching up with a freshman year acquaintance, future scammer Lisa Monollo ‘22 spilled all the details to friend Jen Pella ‘22 about her final round interview for a company that is almost certainly a pyramid scheme. “I was always so intimidated by the recruitment process for full-time jobs, Read More

Cornell Sends ROTC Students to Study Abroad in Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Last Monday, Max Trent ‘23 and twenty of his fellow ROTC cadets boarded one of the last flights to Kabul alongside American soldiers for an enticing cultural enrichment study abroad program in Afghanistan. “I’m super excited to go to Kay-bull,” said an excited Trent, “it gets so cold here Read More

ILR Student “Really Passionate About Labor Movement, But Corporate Law Pays More So I Might Just Do That”

IVES HALL— In the face of mounting pressure from his peers, Industrial and Labor Relations junior Brent Samson recently assuaged fears that he was a corporatist, boot-licking Bezos simp by vaguely claiming that he has plans to work in the labor movement eventually, unless of course he could make more Read More

Pollack Sends Draft of Campus-Wide Email to Admin Groupchat to Check “If It Looks Okay”

DAY HALL—Cornell University President and former linguistics major Martha Pollack hit up the groupchat composed of Cornell’s most high-profile administrators to check her spelling on the latest solemn missive to the campus community and “make sure the vibes aren’t off.” “It was like 1am, and all of a sudden I Read More

Philosophy Senior Excited to Get a Head Start on Living at Home After College

TOLEDO, OH—Following four years of pursuing various unemployable majors, jobless Philosophy major Geraldo Hernandez ’20 was thrilled to start living at home indefinitely over 2 months ahead of schedule. “He keeps saying ‘something will fall into place’ soon, but ‘just wants some time off,’” said Gloria Hernandez, sighing as her Read More

Unemployed but Determined Senior Adds “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to LinkedIn Headline

COLLEGETOWN—Confident that it will give him the edge he needs after an underwhelming and fruitless job search, Dalton Pearce ’20, indicated he is eager to receive any and all job offers by adding “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to his LinkedIn headline. “‘Seeking: Job’ sounds too stiff and formal, and ‘Please, Read More

Fiber Science & Apparel Design Major Excited to Impress Parents with Degree in Public Policy

HUMAN ECOLOGY BUILDING—Local Fiber Science & Apparel Design major Daphne Gladden ’23 is reportedly excited to wow her family by graduating with a degree from Cornell University’s proposed College of Public Policy. “When I told my family that I wanted to study fashion design at a “Human Ecology” school, my Read More

Small Company at Career Fair Just Happy to be There

BARTON HALL—In the midst of representatives from much larger companies, Tony Brown, CEO and recruiter for a small software company based in Connecticut, reported that he was honestly just grateful for the opportunity to attend this semester’s career fair. “Sure, the bigger companies tend to get more attention, but I Read More

Student Who Didn’t Send Out a Single Resume All Semester Excited to Open “RE: Job Opportunity” Email

COLLEGETOWN—After months of putting in absolutely no effort to secure an internship for the summer, Tanmay Anand ’21 was relieved that he finally landed a coveted Job Opportunity. “I still haven’t gotten around to actually apply anywhere, so I’m guessing some recruiter found my Linkedin and emailed me thinking I’d Read More