Residually Warm Olin Seat Reminder of Comforting Embrace of Womb

OLIN LIBRARY—At the end of his stressful prelim season, Mark Velazquez ‘24 was finally able to snag one of the first floor desks at Olin to get some dreaded work done, only to make a bittersweet observation of the womb-like warmth left by the seat’s prior occupant.

“I remembered what it was like to be a zygote… it was wonderful yet tormenting,” said Velazquez, “I have been extremely stressed out recently, so when my bone-cold buttocks hit the sweet solace of this wooden seat, I reflected on the last time I was truly at peace. I pushed myself to go back into this blissfully fetal mental state, and it has been truly eye opening for me.”

“All thanks to this slightly slick, toasty warmth, I began to feel relaxed. It was as if this maternal figure I was cozied into was whispering ‘It’s okay, you’ll be okay… Come to mommy…’ right in my ear. And at that moment, I believed her. I wanted to be comforted. I wanted to be reassured. I don’t want to finish my problem set, I want to retreat from the external world and reattach my umbilical cord.” Velazquez sidled deeper into the creaking chair, experiencing a primal yearning for the warm amniotic fluid he had previously spent a euphoric nine months in.

“But this is just a fantasy. I am in a library seat that has been heated up by a stranger’s ass. I was left longing for my home, the uterus, with a harsh pain in my heart. What’s the point? Does this warmth exist just to taunt me? To remind me that I will never be able to experience the membranous angelic existence within a mother ever again? Or is it to punish me? Dear God, what have done to warrant such a torture? I am no longer a fruit of a womb, but a rotten moldy vegetable left to die in the garbage. I couldn’t stand it, I had to escape this forsaken hell called Olin.”

Velazquez finished with a plea: “I am left wistful by this experience, and urge all fetuses to appreciate your time in peace while you can and to stay in there as long as possible. I would also like to politely ask my professor for an extension.”

Modern Day Lewis and Clark? Adventurous Student Embarks on Expedition to Olin Library

OLIN LIBRARY— Despite the abject horror of his roommates, self-proclaimed COVID-Scout William Yates ‘23 bravely and daringly trekked from his apartment in collegetown into the wilds of Olin Library.

“When we were laying down the ground rules for our behavior this semester, we agreed to only to leave the apartment for booze, CTB runs, and the infrequent date,” said Michael Paxton. “I reminded him that as he packed his HydroFlask, two hand sanitizer dispensers, N-95 mask, UV sanitizing wand, and Lysol, but he insisted he couldn’t find his ‘true self’ in our apartment. He’s a CS major! The only thing he should find are tips on StackOverflow.”


Yate’s valiant odyssey also annoyed roommate Trevor Berman ‘23, who sees no difficulty in studying at home. “Yeah, our apartment isn’t perfect, the desk wiggles everytime you try to write, you can hear chihuahua-sized rats scampering their dirty feet in the ceiling above us, and the AC only works every other day, but at least in here you’re safe from wild asymptotic carriers and anti-masking Karens,” said Berman ‘23 though cascading beads of sweat.

Yates, however, remains adamant about feeling “the call of the wild.” 

“Chris McCandless is my spirit animal in a way,” said Yates, as he furiously scrubbed his reserved study space for the first half of his allotted hour. “Not the dying part, but I really vibe with being able to ignore society’s restraints. Olin is my personal Alaska. I feel like a grand and enlightened explorer. I’m kinda like Marco Polo.”

Yates laced up his Timbs and set off for another soul searching session, this time under the gleaming florescent lights of the fourth floor.

“Come On In!” Olin Librarian Encourages as Wrecking Ball Smashes Through Circulation Desk

OLIN LIBRARY — Librarians at Olin Library are reportedly still enthusiastic about getting students to use their library  despite current construction actively destroying their workplace..

“We’re really excited about the new renovations going on here,” said librarian Dana Holcomb ‘89, gesturing to the crushed wreck that once was the circulation desk. “Unfortunately, that does mean you may have to deal with some noise here and there  and of course the occasional truck backing through a wall. But this is hardly prohibitive—it’s really easy to dodge a rogue front end loader if you notice it far enough in advance.”

Although some have expressed concern about the disturbances caused by the updates to the library’s terrace, the staff maintains that Olin is still a great space for students to collaborate and study. “It’s still the same old Olin!” Holcomb shouted, straining to be heard above the jackhammer smashing a hole through the floor near the entrance.

Holcomb did acknowledge that some students find the agitated environment offputting. “Some students require some coaxing, but—oh shit, look out!” she yelled as a chunk of the ceiling crushed through the ground immediately next to her. After confirming that the floor would not collapse, Holcomb began to chuckle.

“It keeps you on your toes,” she said. “Who knew being a librarian would be such good exercise?”

At press time, Holcomb was seen fishing a Libe Cafe barista out of a recently-opened sinkhole.

University Historians Discover Shocking “Except For Christians” Clause in “Any Person, Any Study” Motto

RARE MANUSCRIPTS COLLECTION, URIS LIBRARY  – Holding a flickering candle up to the aged, yellowed tomes of the university’s founding documents, University Historian Eliana Helversum was horrified to uncover a long-forgotten amendment to Cornell’s motto explicitly barring Christians from attending the university.  

“I can’t believe it…” whispered Helversum. “After all this time of near-ubiquitous societal and administrative support, and nationally immense influence of the Christian church in shaping political discourse, this is clear proof of Cornell’s discrimination against the Christian faith.”

The actual amendment, written in Ezra Cornell’s own handwriting, is marked with a large red asterisk at the end of the statement that corresponds to a “No Christians” note at the bottom of the page.

Vice President of Student Life, Ryan Lombardi, voiced his concerns about the discovery as well. “I can only imagine how hard it must be for those poor, poor Christians on campus right now. I just hope that they can manage to find some support from the sparse resources available for Christian students on campus, such as CRU Cornell, Cornell Christian Students, Cornell United Religious Works, Chesterton House, Cornell Catholics, Cornell Christian Science, and InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, and the four full-time faculty of the Christian Union.”

At press time, Helversum also unearthed an old Daily Sun Op-Ed by Ezra Cornell arguing that the university should be less inclusive to Christians. 

Unidentified Loud Noise Makes Library Patrons Turn Heads Briefly

URIS LIBRARY – Students were temporarily distracted from studying when a loud thud echoed through the cocktail lounge today, taking their focus away from prelims for about ten seconds.

“What was that?” mumbled Kerry Thomas ’18 to herself, who was finishing a problem set for her physics class at the time of the incident. Thomas turned her head to look for the source of the sound, then continued work on her assignment.

“Did you just hear-,” said Adam Milgram ‘20 to Lance Bernardo ‘20, who responded with “Yeah.” The pair was adjacent in a group project room when the unattributed sound occurred, and carried on with their two-person assignment mere seconds after they both acknowledged they heard the same noise.

Headphone wearing library goers, who did not hear the noise that is not yet specifically accounted for, turned their heads around when they noticed everyone else was thrown off. They too returned to their earlier work pace almost immediately.

While the study environment returned to normal in a seemingly infinitesimal amount of time, it was broken again moments later by a student with a soft cough.

Mann Steals Olin Laptop in Ongoing Rivalry Between Libraries

OLIN LIBRARY – Yesterday Mann Library, usually found on the Agricultural Quad, was seen stealing a laptop from Olin Library, further solidifying the ongoing rivalry between two of the largest libraries on campus.

“We received a report at approximately 5:35 p.m. on Tuesday of the entirety of Mann Library fleeing Olin Library with a laptop in hand, immediately followed by Mann Library going into McGraw clock tower as a means of evasion,” explained a Cornell Police report, which later said the rogue out-of-place library was escorted from the relatively undersized and partially demolished clock tower at approximately 5:55 p.m.

“We have since returned the stolen laptop back to Olin, though most of it is currently in shambles, and will reprimand Mann accordingly after reminding the library that it already has plenty of laptops of its own that it frequently loans to students.”

Mann Library was recorded as saying the theft was prompted by Olin “making fun of my distance from most buildings” and saying insults like “nobody but CALS knows about you.”