Lucky Student Manages to Snag Thirty Free Tables in Temple of Zeus During Lunch Rush

TEMPLE OF ZEUS—Scrambling to beat the lunch rush at Temple of Zeus, Jackson France ’23 was elated to find the thirty tables he wanted all free. 

“I’m always extra vigilant on Mac and Cheese Day because I know how cutthroat it can get,” explained France. “I didn’t expect to get more than 22 or 23 tables, but man did I hit the jackpot! I’m so relieved I got the fifty feet of legroom I need to be productive.”

France was relieved to find over two dozen seating options with close proximity to wall outlets. “I was also afraid I’d have to wait forever in line—I’ve seen it stretch for one, even two people. But it went crazy fast! There was nobody in front of me, and when I got to the soup counter I didn’t even see people there to serve it,” he continued. 

“I’ll be back tomorrow for sure,” he concluded. “I just hope the building is unlocked this time, so I don’t have to break in again.”

Student Enters Sixth Hour of Waiting to be let into 2nd Floor of Trillium

KENNEDY HALL—Citing her exasperation at no one making enough eye contact for her to silently mime an opening motion before being let through the one-way door, Katherine Ochona, ’21, has reportedly spent the last 6 hours orbiting the 2nd floor door between Kennedy Hall and Trillium. 

“I was just leaving my 10:10 Biochemistry class, when I felt like popping in for a burrito.” reported Ochona, who had been pacing outside of Trillium’s door for the equivalent of seven of the same biochemistry classes. “Walking down the one flight of stairs, out the Bus Stop Bagels door, and over to Trillium could add seconds, maybe even a whole minute, to my packed schedule! So I’ve decided to wait here till someone exits through the door or lets me in.”

Despite Trillium’s frequently crowded second floor, it is evident that students were either not noticing or not wanting to step up from their meals to push open the door and let Katherine inside. One student reportedly made brief awkward eye contact with the pleading, desperate Ochona, before going back to the “Settings” app on his iPhone to pretend like he was reading a new message.

After watching seven oblivious students saunter over to their respective tables, Ochona explained how she “Would never” knock on the window to be let in. “I don’t want to seem desperate, right? I’m just going to keep making pointed eye contact till it starts working.”

At press time, it has been reported that Cornell has hired the Cornell Urban Planning Department to facilitate foot traffic within the dining hall by replacing all doors with one-way doors that only open from the inside.