Mock Trial Team Excited by Prospect of Real Lawsuit

DAY HALL — Following recent hazing allegations, members of Cornell Mock Trial are eagerly anticipating the potential for legal action.

“We practice our courtroom skills for competitions all year, but we never get to do any real lawyer stuff,” said club President Michael Saks ‘20. “If we get the chance to face an actual lawsuit, we can finally put all those hours of memorizing scripted, over-dramatized courtroom nonsense to work. Those ‘professionally certified’ lawyers won’t know what him ‘em”

In preparation for a potential showdown, members of the team have been getting their stories straight, writing official statements, and taking turns cross-examining each other. “We’re not like those other, non pre-law, idiots who use controversial new member initiation practices; we actually know our legal rights,” said team Treasurer Anelie Won ‘21.

In response to the original allegations of misconduct, the team has reportedly decided to re-evaluate its hazardous initiation policies. The dangerous substance-fueled “Gauntlet” and anxiety-inducing 1000 piece puzzle will soon be replaced with more acceptable new member activities, such as hours of lengthy case-study presentations and a bombardment of mandatory coffee chats.

Cornell Mock Trial Busted for Ambulance Chasing

This article was sponsored by Cornell Mock Trial, a student group that participates and competes nationally in Mock Trial tournaments simulating a fictional court case.

ARTS QUAD — The Cornell Mock Trial team came under fire earlier this week for ambulance chasing, soliciting legal counsel to a student who tripped down the steps outside Goldwin Smith Hall.

“A personal injury suit like this could be worth millions! There’s no ‘watch your step’ sign or handrails on those stairs, you’re entitled to sue for damages and more!” shouted Clayton Brown ’18, a member of the mock trial team as the injured student was carried into an emergency medical van.

“Every time there’s a broken foot or alcohol poisoning on campus, the Cornell Mock Trial team tries to sneak a business card to a potential client,” said a representative from Cornell EMS.

Sources report the American Bar Association will review the undergraduate attorney’s license to practice mock law.