Admitted Student’s Parents Walking Around Like They Own The Place Even Though They Only Own Two Buildings

FEENEY WAY—Amidst the latest influx of admitted students and their families, parents John Olin Jr. ‘66 and Helen Reincehart Olin ‘97 proved to be particularly pretentious. Though the buildings bearing their name make up less than one percent of the campus’ total construction, their attitudes seemed to indicate that they had bankrolled the entire university.

“There ought to be Hotelies laying down before me that I might step across their backs as I walk across my campus,” muttered a disgruntled Olin Jr., “only thing they’re good for anyway. And another thing. Used to be, a man could get a palanquin when he wanted one. But you know these young people today,” he continued, motioning towards a nearby group of sophomores, “nobody wants to work anymore.”

As the couple made their way through campus, son in tow, they continued to make their presence, and their displeasure at the “beggarly state of things,” well known. “Make way for your betters!” shouted Olin Jr. at a student standing at a bus stop before running them over with his maplewood walker. “Pardon,” added Helen, before putting her cigarette out on the unsuspecting student’s backpack. Not one to forgo common courtesy, the audacious pair were sure to tip the student with a crisp $5 bill.

“Jesus Christ, I think I’m going to have to transfer,” remarked John Olin III ‘27. “They’re totally out of line. Sure, we’re entitled to a bit of snobbery. Asking the Okenshield’s worker for a fresh batch of caviar, that’s well above board. But this is too far,” continued Olin III. “I mean, all we have is one ugly library and another building down on the bad side of Ho Plaza. We’re certainly no McGraw’s, and we’re barely better than the Bradfields if I’m being honest.”

At press time, Olin III was seen aiding his father in the desecration of a memorial to “that no good bastard” Harold Uris after realizing that he was not interested in paying his own tuition.

Fifth Generation Cornellian Couldn’t Do Any Better Than This, Apparently

SCARSDALE, NY—Despite being a quintuple legacy of a world class university, recent admit and incoming freshman Warren Dansworth clearly could not get into a better school than this.

Following several months of silence as his friends joyously announced acceptances to better schools, Dansworth was quick to share the news of his acceptance to Instagram, expressing his excitement at “finally joining the Big Red family” and making it immediately obvious to his peers that he has literally no other prospects.

Like Dansworth, other members of his family made sure to brag about this lackluster feat on their social media, as if literally the rest of their family hadn’t achieved the same exact thing.

“College application season has been nothing short of stressful, especially considering how much time and money we spent on tutoring, college application coaches, private meetings with trustees, and generations of alumni donations,” said his mother, Claire Dansworth ‘72 in a Facebook post. “It’s so exciting to see Warren follow in the footsteps of his brother, me, his father, his grandparents, great-grandparents, and his great-great grandfather. God willing, his children and grandchildren will follow in the same path as well.”

As of press time, Dansworth was seen drafting a LinkedIn post expressing his excitement  to receive an internship offer at the same exact company his mother, grandfather, great-grandfather, and great-great-grandfather worked at.

Club Who Received 0 Applications Brags About Its Extremely Low Acceptance Rate

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The beginning of each semester is filled with students vying for acceptances into the ranks of Cornell’s most competitive extracurricular organizations. This semester, the Cornell Startup Fund For High Potential Future Entrepreneurs (CSF^2HPFE) appears to have claimed the title of lowest acceptance rate, after receiving exactly zero applications. 

“Every semester we face the tough decision of deciding which of our qualified applicants are talented enough to join CSF^2HPFE. It always hurts to reject an applicant, but I hope seeing just how low our acceptance rate was this semester, it will motivate them to try harder and beat the odds the next time around,” stated club president Drew Branfield ‘22. 

Applying for CSF^2HPFE consists of an intensive five part process that includes a letter of recommendation, written essay, three rounds of interviews, and two-day survival retreat. 

“As soon as I’d heard of CSF^2HPFE I thought it would be the perfect fit for me,” says Alex Ferber ‘23, founder of a biomedical device startup that went public in 2021, “I’d even gotten Jack Dorsey from Twitter to write a letter of recommendation. But after hearing about Drew’s achievements [Founder of CSF^2HPFE, Dean’s List All Semesters] I didn’t know if I’d done enough to warrant applying.”

The club, established in 2018, prides itself on attracting only the most driven, innovative, and revolutionary students in the business sphere, evident by its current membership consisting of Branfield ‘22, and Kyle Branfield ‘24, Drew Branfield’s younger brother.