Non-Narc Ithaca College President Tells Students To Blaze That Shit Up

ITHACA, NYFollowing New York’s legalization of recreational cannabis, a university president of a certain Ithaca-based college has taken it upon herself to provide guidance and clarity for students. Not long after the ink dried on Governor Cuomo’s signing pen, Ithaca College President Shirley M. Collado sent an all-faculty and student email letting them know that they “should all be lighting up some celebratory doobies rn.”

“Turn on some Dre and light up the chronic IC. The cops can’t do shit man. I just ripped an enormous bowl right in front of IPD Headquarters. All they could do was look at me disapprovingly. Fuck yeah, people, this is fucking huge!” wrote Collado in her statement. 

Not every member of local academia shares Collado’s complete enthusiasm. Orinthia T. Montague, president of TC3, is not yet sure whether she would recommend marijuana to her students. 

“I am overjoyed at the important social justice ramifications of this decision,” said Montague. “I tried weed back in the 90s and it just wasn’t for me. Though I wouldn’t go so far as to recommend pot to my students, the fact that [President Collado] is vouching for the stuff eases my mind a bit. 

At press time, Cornell University President Martha Pollack, the only non-BIPOC university president in Ithaca, was spotted googling the DEA phone number because she saw some kids who looked high down by Stewart Park.

Students Excited to See Every Human of New York

BAILEY HALL – Excitement has been building on the Cornell campus in anticipation of this Friday night, when several hundred lucky students will get the chance to see every photographed Human of New York crowd into Bailey Hall.

“When the Program Board announced that they were bringing over 6,000 people photographed by Brandon Stanton, I was stoked. I can’t wait to hear so many insightful out-of-context tidbits of wisdom from thousands of random, tightly-packed people,” said Taylor Mazur ’17, looking through Facebook photos to try to familiarize herself with each of the Humans and their respective opinions.

“When the picture was taken, this guy commented that he didn’t like his job,” added Mazur, “I can’t wait to hear what other topics he has expertise in.”

After seeing how popular a large-crowd show could be, CUPB has also recently announced they will be bringing the entire population of Broad City to Cornell later this month.