MALOTT HALL—Last Thursday, Tiffany Emmanuel ‘24 was disappointed to discover that she received a dismal grade on her latest statistics homework, but was even more upset when she realized that the possibly romantic comment her professor left on her assignment probably also appeared on the papers of the other girls in her class.
“I really thought we had something,” Emmanuel sighed. “I mean, ‘Come see me after class,’ what kind of sick game is he playing? Last week I answered a question and he told me, ‘great job.’ If that’s not an innuendo then I didn’t send erotic photos to my high school English teacher.”
Emmanuel did eventually visited her statistics professor, Professor Nadir, during office hours, during which he sat exactly one foot and four inches away from her and expressed his disappointment in her performance on the latest homework by touching her shoulder comfortingly. Emmanuel saw this as a declaration of his absolute adoration for her while Professor Nadir just wanted her to leave his office.
“She failed her assignment because she didn’t answer any of the questions correctly,” Professor Nadir explained. “When asked to calculate the probability of rolling at least four threes with eleven dice, she wrote, ‘probably more than my chances with you :(‘ and for question three she just drew a naked stick figure with some overemphasized proportions, if you know what I mean.”
Professor Nadir declined to comment further on his relationship with Emmanuel, saying only that he’s looking forward to grading more of her papers and those of other undergraduate women lining up outside his door for an equally private office hours session.