“He Probably Says That To All The Girls” Sighs Student After Receiving A “Come See Me After Class” Comment On Latest Failed Statistics Homework

MALOTT HALL—Last Thursday, Tiffany Emmanuel ‘24 was disappointed to discover that she received a dismal grade on her latest statistics homework, but was even more upset when she realized that the possibly romantic comment her professor left on her assignment probably also appeared on the papers of the other girls in her class.

“I really thought we had something,” Emmanuel sighed. “I mean, ‘Come see me after class,’ what kind of sick game is he playing? Last week I answered a question and he told me, ‘great job.’ If that’s not an innuendo then I didn’t send erotic photos to my high school English teacher.”

Emmanuel did eventually visited her statistics professor, Professor Nadir, during office hours, during which he sat exactly one foot and four inches away from her and expressed his disappointment in her performance on the latest homework by touching her shoulder comfortingly. Emmanuel saw this as a declaration of his absolute adoration for her while Professor Nadir just wanted her to leave his office.

“She failed her assignment because she didn’t answer any of the questions correctly,” Professor Nadir explained. “When asked to calculate the probability of rolling at least four threes with eleven dice, she wrote, ‘probably more than my chances with you :(‘ and for question three she just drew a naked stick figure with some overemphasized proportions, if you know what I mean.”

Professor Nadir declined to comment further on his relationship with Emmanuel, saying only that he’s looking forward to grading more of her papers and those of other undergraduate women lining up outside his door for an equally private office hours session.

TA’s Parents Screaming in Background of Office Hours Really Contributing to Learning Experience

ATLANTA, GA—During his weekly Monday night office hours, area CS 4780 TA Jeffrey Green has reportedly been providing exceptional help, clarifying difficult course concepts, and almost successfully drowning out his off-camera parents’ raucous arguments about who should be doing the dishes.

Like most Mondays, during this week’s session, students sat in the Zoom waiting room, joined a breakout room after a half hour or so, and then relayed their questions to a noticeably frustrated Green as his parents, Deborah and David Green, engaged in a cacophonous shouting match in the other room.

Despite the shift away from campus, Green’s students reportedly feel extremely engaged during his office hours, particularly with the very audible marital tension occurring within earshot of his web camera. Office hours attendance has increased sharply in recent weeks as students have more and more unanswered questions for Green ahead of finals. 

“So your dad did or didn’t say he’d sort the laundry before 5:00?” asked Michele Larrison ‘21. “And, I know we’ve covered this before, but could you remind me, Angelica is your mom’s younger sister? The attractive one who’s caused problems before, right?” 

Student curiosity and satisfaction with Green’s office hours seem to suggest a more enthusiastic classroom environment than ever before. 

“Jeffrey’s office hours have been really beneficial, and I think I’ve gained a much better comprehension of backpropagation ahead of our exam,” said Charlie McBain ‘20 “and more importantly, I really think his mom needs to chill out- Walgreens receipt timestamps cannot be easily forged like she thinks.” 

Faced with the choice between the echo-plagued Wednesday TA who does not wear headphones and the glitchy Friday TA whose family hasn’t upgraded their wifi since 2005, Green’s Monday night sessions and deteriorating family dynamic appear to be student’s best choice for learning.

Professor Trying to Understand Inferior, Feeble Mind in Office Hours

BAKER HALL — After trying several times to help one of his students with a difficult problem set, Materials Science Professor Dr. Jared Schafer was still attempting to comprehend Sophie Adler’s ’18 baffling inability to understand difficult concepts.

“I’m really having a hard time understanding why you’re not getting this,” he said to the novice he saw as a hopeless cause. “I could’ve sworn I saw you in yesterday’s lecture,” said Schafer, as he entertained the possibility that maybe, just maybe, the stress-addled undergraduate was just messing with him.

When asked to comment on the situation, Schafer said, “I try to figure out how to solve the problem of showing students how to solve this problem. As it turns out, that’s a very difficult and tiring job. At times, the best answer is to recommend students like Sophie need to find another career path.”

Schafer is currently in search of a tutor to teach him how to not understand his material so he can better assist his pupils.