Administration Demolishes Low Rises for Pre-frosh Visits

LOW RISES – In what has been widely regarded as a violation of students’ rights, the Cornell administration has decided to demolish the Low Rise dorms in anticipation of Cornell Days this weekend to improve first-impressions prospective students have of North Campus.

“We just want to make sure visitors get the best possible experience and learn what Cornell has to offer before making their decision,” said Ryan Lombardi as hundreds of current Freshman were forced out of the Low Rises with all their belongings.

“People are calling it a ‘cleansing operation’ and that is simply not true,” says acting president Kotlikoff, “The administration is taking legitimate action to update our student housing, not destroying a dorm for ‘beautification processes,’ like some would have you believe.”

No university programs have been established so far to relocate the now-displaced residents, and CUPD officers have been dispatched several times to quell uprisings and remove squatters in the already riot-proof buildings.

Lazy Tour Guide Makes Visiting Group Walk Backwards

EAST AVENUE — Worn-out after showing dozens of people around campus all day, tour guide Arthur Chase ’18 was exhausted, and just decided to make his last group of the day walk backwards instead.

“Hey, everybody, my legs are killing me, so I’m just going to have you all turn around and we’ll start the tour” Chase told sixteen prospective students and their families before departing from Day hall. “Don’t worry, I’ll let you all know if you’re about to walk into a tree or something.”

Members of the tour group appreciated the new perspective they got of Cornell’s campus, such as Emily Newburgh, a high school senior who commented “I want to go to this school! I can really picture myself walking backwards to class every morning. I just hope walking backwards up all these hills gets easier after four years!”

Several other tour guides have adopted Chase’s brand of laziness, resulting in a sharp increase in Cornell tourists injured by oncoming traffic.