COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES–Morons across campus finally won big with the announcement that the task of setting CU Print up on their laptops for a worryingly long period of time can now fulfill the physical sciences distribution requirement.
“Fret not, dimwits,” said College of Arts and Sciences Dean Ray Jayawardhana in a statement this past Wednesday. “Long have the dunderheads pathetically struggled in their rudimentary astronomy classes. This painful period is now over. I know that you dullards cannot understand simple tasks which require a benign amount of effort for most. However, I think that you can rise to the occasion. Numbskulls, now is your time!”
The fervor and excitement of Jayawardhana’s email was met with an even more passionate reaction from simpletons across campus. “Tanya finally feels seen! Yay!” beamed Tanya Williamston ‘22. “Tanya failed Oceans last semester by accident. But Tanya is not worried anymore. Because how hard can setting up a printer be? Tanya’s roommate is a CS major, she can just ask her, ‘cause that’s like her whole thing. Computers.”
“Uhhhhhhhhhh…. I’m not sure where to start,” said glassy-eyed Jeremy Pinker ‘23. “So many steps. It says ‘My Printers’ but I don’t own a printer. I, uhm, tried to Google it but I keep getting results about that guy who sang that Purple Rain song. I didn’t even know he went to Cornell. Uh… uhhh…yeah, uhmmmm…” Pinker, hypnotized, began to drool upon his keyboard, and slurred, “I need an extension for this.”
Considering this is no simple task for them, imbeciles will be happy to know that they can attend office hours and ask the most inane, idiotic questions imaginable which will coax the TA into just setting it up for them.
OLIN LIBRARY—Despite the announcement that free printing on campus has been delayed until next fall, dumb piece of shit Andy Bardner ‘21 still has faith that Cornell will eventually provide free printing.
“I’ve done a whole cost-benefit analysis, and it’s at least a few cents cheaper to wait for free printing than purchasing my own printer, paper, and ink,” said Bardner, too much of an absolute fucking clown to realize free printing will be delayed every semester until after he graduates.
While most of Bardner’s non-fuckwad peers resigned to buying a $40 printer on Amazon, the utter dipshit insists on hauling ass to campus to print assignments at ungodly hours as if more than 200 of the 3000 pages he prints annually could even possibly be free.
“Even if I lose money here, at least I’ll make it back when Cornell realizes it should lower the cost of bus passes, gym memberships, and housing,” continued the complete dickhead.
As of press time, Cornell IT is focusing on improving Net-Print by requiring Three-Step Login.
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Introduction to American Government professor Don Goodin has magnanimously introduced a policy of no required books, instead providing thousands of pages of online reading that must be printed.
The generosity has not gone unnoticed by students. “Professor Goodin really gets that some students just can’t afford all the books,” said Nanette Warner ‘22. “I’ve saved so much money by printing this set of encyclopedias on campus.”
Goodin’s syllabus made clear from the beginning of the semester that he would try to make things easier for the students, including requiring print copies because it stimulates learning. With this altruistic goal, students are also able to spend 45 minutes getting to know the libraries while the 5,000 pages print.
“Thank God I don’t have spend my own money on a book I’ll only read once. I absolutely hate waste,” said Warner, from behind a three-foot stack of loose paper containing the complete works of William Shakespeare.
In class, Professor Goodin references the readings from an electronic copy he keeps open on his laptop.
DAY HALL—Cornell issued a university-wide mandate lowering the price of printing by one whole cent, aiming to make an Ivy League education more accessible to students suffering from financial difficulties.
Hugh Lipton, head of the Cornell’s Office of Undergraduate Financial Aid, emphasized in the report the “importance of expanding access to students whose parents just couldn’t afford to donate a building. It’s our priority to embody the Any Person, Any Study principle and this is an historical moment to be proud of for years to come.”
Even on a campus as stigma-free as Cornell, the printing price reduction will help with basic necessities like $400 textbooks, the $234 student activity fee, club and Greek life fees, $800 parking passes, $3000 mandatory meal plans, and rent.
“It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I will be able to save tens of cents,” said Melissa Rannells ‘20. “Maybe even a couple bucks by the end of the year, if I’m lucky. Then I can finally buy myself lunch at Zeus!”
This mandate is especially helpful given the University’s recent increase in laundry prices.